I am feeling better today. Was just a lot of dread yesterday.
Trying real hard to plan ahead to vacation because I would like an actual week to do N O T H I N G.

The last time I 'took a week off' literally drama blew up in one of my teams and it was exhausting. I didn't really get that time to myself because of exterior fuckshit.

I think I've hit a point where if I can't rock with you, I just can't rock with you. End of.

These last few weeks a lot of stuff has changed bigtime, and I've actually been a lot less stressed over it.

Like, I've literally been drinking *less*.
I've been busy (as I always am), but it's finally a mix of good busy and activism, and not just Everyone Is Terrible.

I've been slowly axing people out of my life who just make me tired. It's partly why I made a commentary about Total Chaos people not being welcome in ANY of my spaces. Because I'm just tired of people who 'mean well' but consistently want permission to do little to nothing.

Rather than keep these battles going, keep having to go to bat and explain to people who would rather be more invested in being right or not having to reflect on anything....nah, just get out.

I'm over it.

To be clear: Total Chaos is just a puzzle piece in a myriad of people and communities who have been 86'd. I feel like after having blocked and banned most anyone who inflicts harm on my community and I, that the community proper seems much more at ease, at peace.

So now I'm finding myself being tired at newsy things....but, and this will sound weird, I'd rather be tired at newsy things, and fight to make those better, than be tired at white people who are scared that saying #BlackLivesMatter will lose them followers and subs.

I'd rather be tired at bad things happening that, I just do my best to help alleviate and solve, than at people who enter my space and have no respect for me, but want to maintain my friendship because I'm The Black Friend™, & as long as I'm around they get a +5 Not Racist ward.

The last few weeks have frankly been....liberating.

I blocked/banned all the people who still pretend they 'couldn't do anything/didn't know' about EkoGrande.
All the people who thought I was 'so cool, so close' but didn't like being held accountable for communities gone wild.

So yea, yesterday was tiring because per usual, randoms came in and talked over me to show/illustrate how SMRT they are, and it was annoying.

I literally said my piece and just muted.
I can at least control people who keep confusing the Wine Cellar for the circus.

But I'm teaching myself that I don't have to give them directions to the circus.

I can just close the door and let them sit there.
My mental RAM and energy is needed elsewhere.