One of the things that kept me going, despite numerous roadblocks, is that I wanted to grow up just like Lewis from Meet The Robinsons. Science and history were my faves. I always preferred the quietness of a library, where I could take advantage of free knowledge.

As Sir Francis Bacon said, "ipsa scientia potentia est" (Knowledge itself is power). My curiosity with the world eventually solidified into a dream - that someday I'll make a significant contribution too. I decided that I wanted to use my curiosity and become a scientist.

Initially, I wasn't the only one in my batch though who wanted to pursue such a career. Eventually people in my circle of friends moved on from it to pursue other interests. They'd say I'd move on from it too; it was just a phase. Soon enough,I ended up choosing a science course.

The thought of shifting out crossed my mind numerous times as I experienced realization after realization - that science is more complex than I thought. Many of my collegemates eventually left this path as well, and I don't blame them. The journey ahead would be perilous.

In college, you begin come to terms with the fact that not everyone has been imparted the same knowledge, not everyone has the same starting resources. If you come from a reputable school, you have an advantage. Sadly, I was not able to catch up w/ my

knowledge in calculus, since I didnt know how to study for it exactly, and I'd soon have to give up on my dream of graduating with honors. But, in times of difficulty I would always remember that young boy who spouted out random science facts even though no one asked.

I promised my younger self that I'd achieve something else- something noteworthy - and make him proud. And so began a process of self-awareness. This, coupled with slowly becoming aware of the political landscape due to various orgs and events that I've joined,

my own planned advocacies soon began to take form. I found out that I genuinely enjoyed helping others. I liked to teach. I hoped that one day I would use my privilege to, not only contribute to the knowledge of the world, but also in helping more people take that path.

I found new dreams that replaced the old ones. I initially believed that both my childhood dream and advocacy could be made possible. Now, though, I can slowly feel that kid inside slowly slipping away.

He's drowning. Drowning from successive waves of "reality". I initially shrugged off pessimistic remarks from professors, teachers, and graduates. People rarely enter the research field here, they say. It's hard to make money with that career here, they say.

It's hopeless here, they say.
I recall the words of my former HS teacher when we met a few months ago. She has become very successful since we've last met - went abroad, written a biology textbook, gotten published numerous times, and has a postdoc from a respectable uni.

This all happened bec she decided to settle abroad & pursue her career there. She laughed a little when she found out I still believed that there is hope for the PH. I don't blame her for her pessimism. Her family and career has a better chance of thriving there instead of here.

I was eating at a resto with my profs once (lmao ang fc ko sa mga profs ) and they were joking about how sure I really was about taking grad school here. Only 1 or 2 others from their respective batches pursue a PhD. Most opt to work in privaye companies because - bigger pay.

They were constantly teasing me : sure ka na ba talaga? Sinasabihan ka lang namin para di ka magulat. I shrugged it off, of course. I had reason to think optimistically that time, as it was a simpler time.
Sidenote : The profs I were chatting with came from different schools.

And now, to top it all off, this cursed pandemic. Kung STEM major ka, baka mamatay ka nalang sa inis sa dami-daming problema na linagay sa spotlight ng pandemyang ito.

It's no secret that many PH scientists based here are underappreciated and underfunded - lahat na ata ng under Research infra here is still lacking. Dagdag pa dito ang talamak na misinformation na nagaganap, at mismong gobyerno pa ang nagpapalaganap nito. Gasoline pa more.

This is made even worse by the fact na they probably do have the money to start making bigger, longer-lasting improvements to solve these problems, but instead it goes into someone else's pocket

But for me, it's not just that. It was personal too. I hoped that 2020 would...

really be it. I would finally begin to lay the foundations of the projects that would help me redeem myself from past mistakes and get back on track. Even though a lot of things happened during the first part of the year, I decided to continue looking at the good in everything.

I poured most of my time into my work, nagtiis ako kahit maliit lang ang sweldo, pero sinabi ko sa sarili ko, magiging worth it naman 'yan by the end of the year. It sucks because, after a really long while, I finally had the courage to trust in my own abilities again.

I was supposed to apply for another research project when the pandemic hit. Sinabi nila noong una na by May, wala na yung pandemic. Tapos na-move ulit. At na-move ulit. Pati yung una kong sweldo hindi ko maenjoy ng lubusan dahil pinambayad ko nalang ng bills.Sobrang late lumabas.

I passed up opportunities to work for private companies bec I really wanted to pursue research work. It eventually hit me that waiting for all that would prove to be futile because.....it's already August and there's still no end in sight. I'm still stuck here and

for 2 whole months I've done nothing but disocnnect from social media and play free games because that's all I could do I feel so powerless. And the money I was hoping to save up and use to treat my friends (since I was about to apply for another job) got used up for bills.

If they're trying to crush people's dreams by deliberately worsening the pandemic response they've done a good job. This pandemic has made me rethink my priorities and now, all of a sudden, the possibility of my childhood dream and advocacies both being achieved is suddenly

not possible.
In these times I think about JD Salinger's work and what he writes about children and adulthood. And it scares me. I just hope that, by the time this all ends, it gets better for everyone. I really don't want pessimism to get the better of me.

People say "oh you're still young, may oras ka pa" but I've seen it happen to people. People losing their dreams and aspiration because they're chained by the circumstances that limit them.

And so in the process they lose their childhood innocence. Being discouraged by accepting that all of society's ills is simply trivial and normal, instead of questioning everything and attempting to make it better.

That's the thing that scares me more than not being able to do anything/being powerless- it is losing my passion, and surrendering my aspirations to the grave. I've already quit my other hobbies just to do better at my work.

Which is why.....napapaisip talaga ako minsan na baka I just don't fit the description of "PH Scientist". Maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I went to the wrong university. Maybe I chose the wrong course. Or maybe, I was too foolish to even consider dreaming such great lengths.

Nakakalungkot lang kasi I initially meant for the first few tweets in this thread to be included in a celebratory caption - kung kailan may nakamit na ako. Pero mukhang malabo ito mangyayari.
Due to concerns of practicality, I'm now applying for jobs in private companies, far

from the research work I'd hope I'd apply to. I have stuff to pay and, due to the fact that my family is still in the process of having a house built (finally cementing our place in the middle class) I'm not expecting them to help me pay my bills, and I'm not expecting help