As @edfringe would’ve started on Friday for me I’m going to bore you all senseless with tweets from the fringe I would’ve had. I’ll start it Thursday with my imaginary flight up. Until then I will be checking ticket sales every 6 minutes. #aidansfakefringe

#aidansfakefringe
Have packed my bags and am now sitting on the sofa. Checked @edfringe ticket sales and did a small sex wee when someone bought a ticket at 2:34pm. Did a final check of swimming pool opening times and making plans to go everyday. Even fictionally, I won't attend.

Fictional @edfringe is underway. I’ve just landed and got on the tram from the airport. I’m making a note of all the places I could visit during the month by tram. I won’t though. I’ll only be on it again when I come home. #aidansfakefringe

Arrived @edfringe Dumped bags at flat and now down to Grassmarket to see the gang @SweetVenues
Then the inevitable visit to Castle Rock takeaway for fish, chips and curry sauce. I'll say it'll be the only time but I'll eat from there 12 times at least. #aidansfakefringe

Walking through #Edinburgh @edfringe eating my chips. I bump into one of my comedy heroes and say 'Hey how's it going?' forgetting that we may have only gigged together once. There is a look of fear in their eyes as they try to work out what the scary man wants #aidansfakefringe

3 busses go past covered with posters for Craig Hill's show. For the 10th year running he's wearing a leather kilt, has a title that's a double entendre and is in a venue big enough to fill my entire run in one night. I have a mixture of jealousy and disdain. #aidansfakefringe

Wanted a lie in so woke up at 6am. Out at 11 determined to flyer. No one around so wait till first open spot. Do 10 minutes to 3 Spanish tourists and a local. MC assured me it will get busier during the run and I should come back. It never does. Neither do I #aidansfakefringe

My show is at 7pm and I have 65% advance sales. I use percentages because it sounds more impressive than the actual figure of my tiny venue. Like an athlete I stick to a nutritious diet to prepare for the gig. Chips and curry sauce with a can of Tango. #aidansfakefringe

Bump into another comic. Ask how’s it going? He launches into detailed breakdown of how his sales are so good, the venue already want him back next year, and he has a natuonal coming to review him. I hate him. Next year he is in a different venue #aidansfakefringe

Finished show. Some laughs except 1 guy who sat silently at the front through the whole thing. He will be my entire focus as I declare the whole fringe a disaster on day 1. Decide to hit the town. Walk around for 45 mins meeting no one. Go home to drink gin. #aidansfakefringe

Wake up at 6 again so decide to do some grocery shopping. My general depression after last nights show is lifted when I spot a very famous comedian, I try to play it cool but they look at me and say 'Hi.' We chat briefly. I go back to my flat and have toast. #aidansfakefringe

It's the 1st Saturday of @edfringe and will be busy so I must get out and flyer. What? Wait, 'Homes Under the Hammer' is on weekends now? #aidansfakefringe

Free fringe starts today. I bump into a guy I’ve gigged with. He tells me he’s only doing 45 minutes because he’s waiting until he’s ready to be nominated then he’ll move to the Courtyard and do his debut hour. I hate him. He never makes it to the Pleasance #aidansfakefringe

Only sold 6 tickets for my @edfringe show. Go in expecting a disaster. It turns out to be the best one yet. I don’t use the mic. I get to know everyone and we have a great time. I leave @SweetVenues full of beans. I celebrate with chips and curry sauce. #aidansfakefringe

Ended up in the Apex Hotel bar last night. I may have taken advantage of the @SweetVenues performer discount. @GriffinandJones have asked me to their 'Half Cut Cabaret' show at 1am tonight. It's now a 5 gig day so I'll start with a full Scottish at Auld Jocks. #aidansfakefringe

1st gig today is opening for a great act doing their first run. They really don't need anyone as they're a great act. It's in one of the rooms in the Espionage venue which means walking all 5 floors, each increasing in humidity, to find it.
#aidansfakefringe

2nd gig is in a venue so far out it's practically in Belgium. I arrive at an empty pub to find a bartender who has no idea this is a venue. 'No one's turned up yet.' I decide to go and flyer at the Pleasance*

*Have a coffee.
#aidansfakefringe

Check sales and somehow there's only 2 tickets left today. I instantly tweet this, Not because I think that will get them sold, it's because I want to show off. I decide to see a show instead but have acidently come to a student improv group. Karma is a bitch. #aidansfakefringe

Get to the 3rd gig. It’s above a pub on the Royal Mile. It’s packed. I die on my arse. I finish quickly to save our collective embarrassment. I say ‘You’ve been very lovely and tolerant.’ I don’t stay to flyer. #aidansfakefringe

Make my way over the mile to ‘Wings.’ It’s an awesome fried chicken place that some good #Edinburgh friends introduced me to. I prepare for tonight’s gig my eating way too much. Again #aidansfakefringe (go there. It’s amazing https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/Restaurant_Review-g186525-d5822067-Reviews-Wings_Edinburgh-Edinburgh_Scotland.html )

Arrive @sweetvenues I've sold out! Delight is tempered by delaying the start 5 minutes waiting for 14 people who never turn up. I come out on stage and say hello. A woman, front row, third from left, audibly says "Oh God." She avoids eye contact, doesn't laugh.
#aidansfakefringe

'Half-Cut Cabaret' starts 1am @voodoorooms @GriffinandJones say I don't have to but I've never drunk before a gig. I decide to see some shows because if I go home I'll fall asleep. I get to the Apex bar and have the 1st of what will be 10 Gin & Tonics. Oops. #aidansfakefringe

Have ended up in a gay bar somewhere between Leith Walk and @voodoorooms It’s a venue that is also doing doubles very economically. Large gin no9 accompanied some fuck awful new acts. Their material isn’t bad. I just preferred it when I heard Stewart Lee do it. #aidansfakefringe

1am: Half Cut Cabaret: Room is packed. I’m on 2nd after a burlesque who finishes hanging on a cieling beam and twerking. 12th gin in hand I open with ‘How the fuck do I follow that?!’
It remains one of my best ever gigs. I am asked back for next week. Cab home #aidansfakefringe

Wake up at 11:30 for the first time since I was a teenager. No hangover. It’s a 2-4-1 day so sales should be good. I have no other gigs so I prepare for the day by watching 3 episodes of CSI and sweating Gin. #aidansfakefringe

Numbers @edfringe
Shows I’ve taken flyers for 5
Shows I’ve said I’ll see 4
Shows i will actually see 0
#aidansfakefringe

Discover a wonderful hidden gem for good food and coffee. Plus you can sit outside in the quiet. I won’t tell you about it because I want to keep it to myself #aidansfakefringe

Fairly good show tonight except for the weirdest heckle ever. I start on a bit about how much I love @BBCRadio4 when an old gent in the front row bellows "CAN'T STAND RADIO 4. IT'S RADIO 3 FOR ME!"
#aidansfakefringe

Head home and decide to see some shows tomorrow. For once I don't clash with my favourites @TheKagools They're 3pm at the Caves. Then I'll race to new town to see @paulsilkywhite @StandComedyClub
When I get home I just eat broccoli.
#aidansfakefringe

The news says it’ll be sunny today in #Edinburgh I wake up to this. Later it will be sunny. Then rain. Then sunny. Then windy and then rain. God knows what’ll it be like after lunch. #aidansfakefringe

HELP. I’ve only sold 2 tickets tonight and a 3rd issued to press. Anyone want to see my show tonight please shout and I’ll get you in. With any luck if you come you’ll help me get a review from a 17 year old journalism student with delusions of grandeur #aidansfakefringe

Reviewer laughs through whole show but gives a bad review. 'He has an annoying nasal voice that's like a cross between Hugh Grant and Jerry Seinfeld.'
I ignore the 2 star rating and put 'A CROSS BETWEEN HUGH GRANT & JERRY SEINFELD' on all my posters. #aidansfakefringe

This thread is based on my 9 years @edfringe doing these shows
10 Films with my Dad
AIdan Goatley is on the Mend
10 Films with my Dad
11 Films to Happiness
The Joys of Retail
10 Films with my Dad
Mr Blue Sky
The Vicar's Husband
10 Films with my Dad
Happy Britain
#aidansfakefringe

It’s black Wednesday today @edfringe it’s to do with ticket sales being bad after the 2-4-1 days. There’s an excuse for most days. ‘Dodgy Thursday’ ‘Pointless Tuesday’ and of course ‘No one wants to see your show you self indulgent prick, Sunday’ #aidansfakefringe

Tonight’s show was ok. Was told we had an Edinburgh festival judge in so I spent the whole show trying to guess which one it was. I think it was the lady who looked ecstatic when I turned up the air conditioning. #aidansfakefringe

Not sure what fake show I'm doing for #AidansFakeFringe Maybe it should be this one? Always liked the title idea, pic is by the very lovely @edshots

Get an email from a Voiceover agency apologising for not going through my agent. I don’t have one. I’ve never had one. I’ve never even been approached by one.
My excitement is dampened when it turns out you have to pay £400 to make a show reel. #aidansfakefringe

Doing a guest spot at a big venue. They ask what track I want to walk in to. Jokingly I say ‘Straight Outta Compton’ by NWA.
Amazingly they play it.
#AidansFakeFringe

Tonight was horrific. Entire front row was a woman’s institute group. The woman on the far right (which she probably was) asked was I taking questions. ‘What do you do for a living?’
I lwondered myself. #AidansFakeFringe Now off for drinks with @thejilledwards

At the Loft Bar. It's a performers/industry bar so everyone looks over your shoulder to see if someone more important is there. I do. I see 3 big tv stars, 2 bonafide legends and several arrogant young male comics whose talent doesn't live up to their ego. #AidansFakeFringe

Sat with several folk regaling stories of shitty gigs when one of the young male comics joins us. He suffers dreadfully from confidence. Within 3 minutes he tells us how well he's doing etc. We all hate him. He offers to buy a round. I order an espresso martini. #AidansFakeFringe

Join 2 friends to see another friends show about their partners battle with cancer. It’s amazing, beautiful and traumatic. We stumble around silently until we find ourselves with a coffee. The silence is broken by the legend...
“Schindler’s List was easier.”
#AidansFakeFringe

Killing time till 11pm. I’m guesting on a panel show called Imaginary Porno Charades. Basically a smutty ‘Give Us a Clue.’
I’m useless at charades. Even worse at puns. I’m praying I get away with it. #AidansFakeFringe

Well @pornocharades was a delight. Was on with @Robbotron who is a whirling dervish of a man. I sat lamenting my life choices whilst trying to guess ‘Shaving Ryan’s Privates.’ #aidansfakefringe it’s a great show though. On every night in the big room @SweetVenues

Out fiyering I pass by a famous comedian. He’s the same age as me but is clearly under instruction to ‘dress young’ by his agency. He looks like a recently divorced uncle who’s dating someone too young for him. #aidansfakefringe

Tonight’s show. A drunk woman sits centre of row 4 holding a large glass of wine which tilts at a dangerous angle every time she almost drifts off to sleep. This results in the audience and I all tilting at the same angle every time she does. Not a drop spilt #AidansFakeFringe

Its the 2nd Saturday and major depression hits. I walk home crying. At one point I look through the window of a house and see one of the comedians I started with on a re-run of Mock the Week. It starts raining. #AidansFakeFringe

Start the day off right with a big fry at Snax. No ticket sales so far. Half Cut Cabaret at 1am so the prediction for today is Gin. #aidansfakefringe

I take a punt on a poetry show. She says it’s a study of her emotions. This equates to her reciting verse while taking off her clothes. I don’t know where to look. I opt with saying ‘Powerful’ as I put money in her bucket and avoid her for the rest of the fringe #AidansFakeFringe

I’ve arranged for a third of my tickets to be available at the Half Price Hut on Princes St. I go down to try and flyer there but there’s no punters and only other acts flyering. I decide to keep an eye on things from Yo Sushi over the road. #AidansFakeFringe

Show turned was sold out and the the audience didn’t fall asleep. Now show hopping and drinking Gin before another half cut cabaret. I watch a mixed bill of very new acts who are living their dream. It’s certainly only theirs judging by the audience reactions. #aidansfakefringe

It’s only 11pm and I’m just having my 8th Gin. The Guildford Arms has a trad jazz band playing and they are glorious. They belt out some classics as myself and fellow patrons throw caution to the wind and tap our feet with gay abandon. #aidansfakefringe

14th G&T in hand I follow a very camp male burlesque act on stage at Half Cut Cabaret. I open with “Blimey. He was something wasn’t he? I mean I’m not but I would!”
I have no-recollection of the rest but I’m asked back for the final one so it must’ve been ok. #AidansFakeFringe

I wake up with a vague memory of eating oysters at the Assembly Gradens whilst standing next to Abi Titmus. The state of my T-shirt reveals that not all of this is a dream. #AidansFakeFringe

Spent the morning burping oysters. I put my head down for a quick nap at 2 and wake up at 7:40pm I walk to the venue and maintaining pace walk straight on stage. @SweetVenues are amazing. There’s a ice cold Fanta waiting for me on stage. I feel like a megastar. #aidansfakefringe

Forget which show I'm doing so I blend material from 4 other shows. I vow to never drink again
.
10 mins later realise it was the oysters that caused the problem and have a cider.
.
5 mins later I realise it was Abi Titmus' fault and eat more Oysters.
#aidansfakefringe

Wake up early and decide to escape to the countryside. Everywhere is a great view and not an improv troupe in sight.
#aidansfakefringe

Halfway through tonights show a woman arrived and sat in the front row. 5 minutes later she raises her arm.
"Can I help?"
"Sorry I was looking for the loo."
I walk her out and point her in the right direction.
Come back into the room.
"Well that's a first."
#aidansfakefringe

Excited to be doing 10mins at PBH's evening show at the Cannongate Pub. The room is packed as a TV comedian is on. He arrives during my set and talks very loudly at the back. I have to get louder to drown him out. I head to the back. He ignores me.
#aidansfakefringe

At the Loft bar a comic is saying how much he hates EdFringe. He has an agent, PR, a flyer team and posters everywhere. It's his 5th year and his flat off the Royal Mile is too noisy. He leaves. I instinctively say 'What a cunt.'
Someone buys me a gin.
#aidansfakefringe

It's the middle Wednesday so a lot of comics have their day off today. Luckily they've all promised to come and see my show on their days off. I have total faith they will all come.*
#aidansfakefringe
*none do but in fairness I don't go to theirs.

Walking up the narrow staircase at the back of the Pleasance I notice the actor Art Malick is walking down. I move to one side to let him pass. He does not say thanks or even acknowledge me. I'm glad Arnie killed him in #TrueLies
#AidansFakeFringe

An amazing gig tonight. It almost sold out and is attended by a comedy hero of mine. Thank god it goes well. We end up having dinner at a Chinese and talk about what shows we're planning for next year. I feel like a proper comedian.
#AidansFakeFringe

Turn around a corner and there is ALEXI SAYLE having a coffee. I try to play it cool but it’s ALEXI SAYLE. He’s having coffee with his wife. I try to stop fanboying but it’s ALEXI SAYLE!
“I’m so sorry” I say.
“It’s ok.” Says ALEXI SAYLE as I shake his hand.
#AidansFakeFringe

No sales today. I'm secretly pleased as I'm knackered and feel about as funny as Ian Duncan Smith's pants. I realise... I OH IT'S THE FUCKING SILENT DISCO! HE CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF!
#AidansFakeFringe

I do a late show. Sophie Aldred comes. She laughs. My life as a #DoctorWho fan is complete.
#AidansFakeFringe

Heading down North Bridge I notice the pan-piping Patagonians are on full form. Although they seem to have gained a work experience person who's delighted to be there. #AidansFakeFringe

Despite all my protestations that reviews don't matter I'm secretly chuffed that I have some good ones and that @sweetvenues have put them on the board. I celebrate with chips and curry sauce.
#AidansFakeFringe

Some @edfringe numbers;
Flyers printed 5000
Shows 24
Total tickets available 720
Shows done 15
Sold so far 373
Kebabs 4
Hangovers 3
Guest spots 24
Episodes of CSI watched 12
Press releases sent 64
Responded 2
Agents invited 7
Responded 0
Gin drunk - Shitloads
#AidansFakeFringe

Only 9 shows left and have entered the ‘I want to go home now’ phase. By Tuesday I won’t want to leave and then by next Saturday I’ll want to go home again. In the meantime I’ll start planning my show for next year. #aidansfakefringe

Turn up to find that Steve Bennet from review site Chortle is in. I try to avoid looking at him but his eyes close and he starts falling asleep. I don't know what show he dreamt but it's a nice review. He gives me 3 stars. It reads like a 4.
#aidansfakefringe

I'm 'backstage' at a gig when I see that the Silent Disco's equipment is there on charge. 30 headsets sit there. I'm so tempted to get some scissors and cut all the wires. I don't think a court will convict me. It would a favour to society.
#aidansfakefringe #Endthesilentdisco

I do some maths and it appears that as long as I sell enough tickets in the last week I’ll actually be in profit! I immediately blow this by spending all my future profits on a Snickers bar. #aidansfakefringe

The last half cut cabaret. Arrive on stage slaughtered with 17th G&T in hand, The @SweetVenues team heckle me and I swear a lot at them. It gets laughs. I finish by getting the entire audience to sing 'I wanna be like you.' from The Jungle Book. BEST. GIG. EVER. #AidansFakeFringe

"I feel drained and full of dark foreboding at the existential pointlessness of it all. Life is just awful like the darkness of our souls and I don't know why?"
"You did have 17 Gins last night?"
"Ah that'll be it then."
#Conversationswithmyproducer
#AidansFakeFringe

“What time is it!?!?”
“It’s 10:45.”
“Er did I do the show tonight. I can’t remember?”
“Yes. You had 37 in and did the first 5 minutes sitting in the third row.”
“I’m never drinking again.”
#Conversationswithmyproducer
#AidansFakeFringe

Been asked to do Melvin Stutter’s Pick Of The Fringe show. It’s at the Pleasance so my name is up in chalk! I’m told it’s a mature crowd so I do my bit about ‘Went the Day Well?’ That evening several people complain that I’m doing the same bit again. #aidansfakefringe

Now at the stage where I don't want to leave #Edinburgh as I love it and the people I've met. Industry, locals and visitors alike. 1st year there I only did 10 days and after 2 days back home sent a message to a fellow comic. 'Stay there. reality sucks.'
#aidansfakefringe

It’s the last Wednesday and there’s a bit of excitement as acts wait to see who’s been nominated. No, I haven’t had any judges in to see me. Yes, I still think I have a chance of a surprise win and have rehearsed my speech. #aidansfakefringe

Meet ****. He’s convinced the awards are rigged and they only give it to well represented acts that spend fortunes on PR. The award goes to an obscure character act on the Free Fringe. 3 months later **** is outed as sex pest and disappears from social media. #aidansfakefringe

Join in a conversation about how good the Award winners show is. How unique. How insane. How brilliant.
.
.
.
None of us have seen it.
#aidansfakefringe

I take a look @edfringe website to see some lovely audience reviews. One says they loved the show, the fact that I mention #DoctorWho AND how cool the #JudgeDredd @2000AD T-shirt I was wearing. I may seek out sponsorship for next years show. #aidansfakefringe

I always forget how lovely the final few days audiences are. Whilst acts are all exhausted, bitter, twisted and without hope, wonderful proper fringe goers come to see the shows that have worked out all their kinks.
.
.
Needy bastards.
#aidansfakefringe

“Alright pal. Chips n curry sauce fir yeh?”

I may have come to Castle Rock chippy too often.

#aidansfakefringe

Meet a comic who says they’ve been selling out but I know they’ve been trying to get the venue to print off all the remaining tickets as comps to boost the numbers. Their talent for admin is only matched by their ego and bullshit. #aidansfakefringe

Bump into actor Julian McMahon. Before I can say anything he sees my Fantastic Four tattoo, says ‘I’m so sorry’ and runs away. #aidansfakefringe

An earlier tweet is replied to by a comedy legend. I fight the urge to misquote it and use it on a poster. Instead I screenshot it and hope people misconstrue it as praise for my stand up.
#Meta
#aidansfakefringe

In case you've been following this thread and wondering what kind of comedy I do, here's a full hours show, The Vicar's Husband.

@sweetvenues #aidansfakefringe

Flyering.
"No thanks it sounds political."
"I can assure you it isn't"
"It clearly is!"
"It honestly isn't. It's my show.I should know."
"Nope it sounds political... Can you recommend anything else?

*I describe my show*

"Oh that sounds good what's it called?"
#AidansFakeFringe

Tonights show was dreadful. At the end a woman said "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure, it couldn't get worse."
She points to the black & white tattoo of two roses on my arm.
"Why do you have 2 cabbages on your arm?"

I can't not see it now.

#AidansFakeFringe

Outide Auld Jocks on Grassmarket. I look up from my breakfast to see ALEXI SAYLE! We clock each other and somehow he recognises me from when we met.
"We meet again." he says as he walks past. I don't have time to respond before he's gone.
I love this place.
#Aidansfakefringe

If tickets stay the same I’ll have sold 6726of 720 roughly 94%. I have no PR or agent. In fact I’ve never not made a profit @edfringe and I know that’s lucky. It’s all down to lovely people who chose to come see me every year and spread the word. Thank you. #aidansfakefringe

#aidansfakefringe is over. My bags are packed and my flight home is at 11pm, I just have time to thank @SweetVenues for being awesome and having air conditioning. On the tram I day dream about next year and returning to this damn fine city. So long and thanks for all the chips.

#aidansfakefringe #postscript
I'm not doing shows on Sunday because I have to get back to my day job. I'd love to be full time but with a child and lots of debt I couldn't afford to unless I got a lot of TV work. If you have any work I'd say call my agent but I don't have one.