edward cullen really is that one girl's older boyfriend who keeps shows up at high school parties every weekend complaining the whole time about how immature everyone is like a semester and a half of criminal studies at the state school changed him bitch nobody asked u to be here

not uniformly against vampires going to high school like if you're doing it to mack on a child who looks just like this other vampire you used to fuck back during the civil war and that sparks joy then fine but if ed here is so bored he could try going for example Anywhere else

god i wish that were me

no question the one and only good thing about Twilight is how every possible combination of these family members Have absolutely fucked—except obviously none that would include edward, who famously has not had an erection since babe ruth was on the red sox

me when taylor announced folklore

regrettably ya i'm having a great time
https://twitter.com/tessmcgeer/status/1290745258624446464?s=21 https://twitter.com/tessmcgeer/status/1290745258624446464

listen i've accepted with little complaint all manner of completely unreasonable concepts from a one stephenie meyer, from a college aged dog boy being in romantic love with an infant, to a long khaki skirt being a hot and sexy look, but this a bridge too far... .

apologies for questioning the principles of the volcel community but seriously dude is 100 years old could he really not just lay pipe for the sake of the friendship grow up

imagined robert pattinson being asked to assume this pose and felt peace for the first time in months

cullen family lifestyle truly is one long orgy during which edward mopes at the fringes like a cat that's perpetually falling into the bathtub

literally any sentient being can access baseball reference dot com and do the same query whatever man

me w my phone an inch from my face as i hungrily scroll through this website seconds after waking each morning

meyer's whole concept of the vampire sucks, like she went to a folklore buffet and picked only the dumbest parts, but this sexless certainty a human couldn't romantically desire him is silliest—LOTS of people would date a vampire and it is ahistorical to pretend they would not!!!

carlisle could've really just let the flu take this one, like, he is not thriving

feeling absolutely feral w delight knowing i'm gonna read Our Vampires, Ourselves again after i finish this today lmao

very seriously troubled to find i am very seriously having an amazing time

that's romance babie

desperate to know, like, does stephenie meyer actually think people can't smell blood or is this an active creative decision to make edward look like an idiot freak again

could've watched HITCH (2005) dumbass

"I didn't know how to do this. How to court her as a normal, human, modern man in the year two thousand and five." is extremely funny and also is what i'm going to say next time i ghost a tinder date

where's the himbo is ableist tweet girl it's time for her to take rosalie to jail

can't stop laughing about how because of the petulant delay this book is now actually a period piece set when i was thirteen lol

remembering a college essay i wrote about vampirism as disordered eating remembering that i have never sought to acquire a single useful skill or piece of knowledge except, like, i can break down cardboard boxes pretty fast

wish twilight occupied harry potter's space in culture so that instead of applying dumbshit baby brained concepts of good and evil to world politics conversations would be framed through the lens of actually important themes like for instance being massively depressed & annoying

do asexuals claim edward or is he too much of a twerp even for them

can't deny a sort of admiration for the way stephenie meyer used this book to take all the fucked up, creepy, annoying, weirdo bitch shit she herself wholly of her own volition had her romantic hero do and say fifteen years ago and be like "no, see, he was really going thru it ,"

edward has two medical degrees yet never once considers that perhaps the reason he cannot hear bella's thoughts is she doesn't have any

sorry that was a very rude joke to make—we all know bella DOES have one thought and, for some reason, probably having to do with an unstable childhood or maybe some undiagnosed mental condition, it's the desperate thought of getting dicked down by that old fussbucket asap

thinking about how in new moon bella gets so depressed she accidentally gone girls herself. these two are a match made in hell i mean it's modern times get on lexapro.

teddy ol boy, you know, there's people u could pay for that service

laughed out loud and choked on my seltzer at what i'd known was coming from the first moment i laid eyes on that uglie cover anyway rude to hades who is actually pretty cool

stephenie meyer straight up does not know shit about vampires or vampire fiction it's incredible if i wrote a book about how to build airplanes my knowledge base in the subject at hand would be the same as hers here

was going to joke like "very 2012 tumblr voice: and of course when edward envisions death as a living thing it's a woman, always the abject..." but actually i'd take that is over the More! Women! Reapers! 2020 iteration of the same so whatever

imagine having the incandescent, delirious, horrifying idea for a story about a vampire who has a girl institutionalized for simplÿ wanting to fuck him and then just writing the twilight books instead what a dummy

tell me how this fucker has lived with a medical doctor for most of a century and not been sent to therapy yet

Anyway nina auerbach said bitches Do be picking the wimpiest whiniest wateriest vampires

hmmmM edward cullen lesbophobic confirmed !!

edward's constant preoccupation with his own scariness, worrying alternately from page to page about being too scary or not scary enough, is so deeply pathetic as to be almost interesting. "ugh. creepy." liter aTure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the scene in the lighthouse when robert pattinson screams that he doesn't wanna smell willem dafoe anymore? that's a twilight homage