Okay, a few people have said they'd be interested in reading, and far be it from me to ever keep my big mouth shut when I have Thoughts, so here it is: a thread about #QueryingWhileND
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(not really worried about this hurting my chances w agents, as if me being Loud is a problem, we're probably not a good fit anyway)

Additional disclaimer that YES, querying sucks for everyone, but this is about how it's specifically difficult for autistic/ADHD people
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So let's put it like this:

Your brain thrives on consistency + knowing what to expect. Every single agent's querying guidelines are different. You read each of their guidelines at least 10x before sending, and you're still not sure if you're doing it right
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Organization is hard for you, so you put all this info into a spreadsheet so that you have any hope of tracking queries sent + responses. And then you wait.
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But every agent's response times are different. So you read all the guidelines 10x over again. Some guarantee a response in 8 wks, some will only respond if interested within 4, some will only respond if interested within ???, some say 4 but then get back to you 6 wks later
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You struggle w Executive Dysfunction.

This means if you have an appointment at 2 PM one day, you can't do anything else until 2 PM, bc your brain is only focused on preparing for that.
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It also means that if you're expecting query responses sometime between tomorrow, 8 weeks, and never, you can't think about anything else. You try to start a new project to distract yourself. Maybe you can focus on it for a few weeks.
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But then that 8 week deadline smacks you in the face, and every shiny new WIP thought you had scatters like a jumbo box of glitter dumped in the backseat of your car. You can't get anything done. You start having stress dreams every night bc your brain can't turn off
8/

You get maybe 1 or 2 rejections. You're still waiting to hear back from 8 more. Some of these agents specifically requested to be queried or have ND rep on their MSWL that you personalized your query to them to reflect. Surely they're going to at least send a rejection!
9/

It's past when they said they would reach out, but you get it. There's a pandemic. It's summer. Everything is chaos. They tweeted that they're behind on queries. Maybe they're still going to respond. You make your deadline flexible.
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You make everything flexible, even though you're the least flexible person you know, bc you HAVE to be flexible, bc you have NO POWER HERE. You thrive on consistency + knowing what to expect, but in this industry, literally nothing is guaranteed.
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You get it. You don't want to be a jerk. You don't want to be whiny. You're still trying to get the hang of this whole Publishing Etiquette thing, since it's a whole new set of social rules from the standard ones you've slowly & painfully taught yourself. You wait.
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12 weeks pass. Agents who seemed genuinely interested in your work/OwnVoices ND rep never respond. You slowly force yourself to accept that they've rejected you. You secretly still hope they might send a response as you cross them off your spreadsheet.
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You start sending nudges to agents whose lack of response may not mean a rejection. You thrive on consistency. There is no consistent way to get in touch with them. One of your nudges bounces back with an auto-response that they're closed to queries.
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You don't know if they received the email, but you don't want to be the jerk who double emails an already overwhelmed agent. You don't understand the etiquette, you just hope that they still read your nudge. You wait.
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Finally, you accept that it's time to send out the next round of queries. You've gained absolutely nothing from the first round. This is just going to start the whole nightmare over again.
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Even if an agent requests your work, even if an agent is actively seeking the kind of book you write, they might not even respond. You don't know if the problem is your writing, your concept, bad timing, or that they don't actually want ND rep that isn't what they expected
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You want to give people the benefit of the doubt that they aren't harboring biases against brains like yours, but how can you do that if they don't even give you the feedback you need to move forward?

(Also, you're still secretly hoping they'll respond)
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You break down. You cry. Your story is your whole heart, and you have to have faith that someday it'll find its home. Someone will click with it, and someday it'll be out in the world, in the hands of the reader who needs it most.
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You polish up your query. You make a new list of agents. You read each of their guidelines at least 10x before sending, and you're still not sure if you're doing it right.
20/END.

(Final sidebar to say THANK YOU to everyone who reached out after my initial post with support or to say that you'd be interested in reading this thread. I'm thankful you have my back, and I wish you all the best with your projects.)