CW: suicidal ideation, trauma

On July 22, 2020, I wanted to die. I don’t think I could’ve gone through with anything, but I just didn’t care if I was here or not anymore.

I’d just reached out to someone I’d recently ended a friendship with bc I was excited about my name change.

Regardless of how abborhent this person treated me- lying to my friends, damaging my name and ignoring any attempts to reconcile privately- I still was cognizant of the fact that, had it not been for their support when things were good, I may not have gotten this far.

I was once again met with no reply.

Nothing.

Not a half-assed ‘yw’- nothing.

Coming from a family of child abuse and abandonment, it was a pretty big smack in the face.

And then I dealt with the immediate talking about anything and everything with friends from this person

Almost like I didn’t exist. I went into a DEEP depression.

I made one last attempt to try to relieve my pain and anguish to this person, just at least hoping for some response. Any response.

I relayed how I didn’t want to live anymore bc of how unresolved and ignored I was.

Again- nothing.

I then could no longer reach out to this person on any social media platform.

Yes- their response to me admitting my suicidal state... was to completely block me from their life.

I started drinking. Heavily.

And one day turned into two.

Then every day.

It ended up to the point where I didn’t care what happened to me anymore.

I was losing sleep. Days were a blur.

That’s when I found a friend of mine who mentioned who their therapist was, so I reached out.

I didn’t want to live so empty and helpless anymore, so I acted.

I’m eternally grateful for this lady who is helping me uncover a better way for me to respect my core values and change my way of thinking.

I also poured all of my alcohol down the drain this morning, because I refuse to wallow by false coping.

Come hell or high water, I’m going to make sure nobody ever has this power over me again.

I transitioned to be my authentic self and to love who I am.

I’ll be damned if anybody ever takes that away from me again.

I don’t say these thing to get likes or followers. I say it because... we don’t talk about it.

We tend to carry pain silently, and then we lose people in our lives when they can’t take it anymore, and we carry anguish, saying ‘I never even knew’.

It’s ok to NOT be ok.

I wasn’t ok. So I sought help. But every single one of you help me, though it’s not your responsibility. You do it just by showing up and loving.

Don’t ever change. And PLEASE reach out if you’re struggling. Ok?