So get this nightmare scenario I've set up: Tomorrow I have several hours of very important ZOOM meetings. I also have to begin my cleanout for a colonoscopy booked for Thursday. I have calls until 5 PM, but I have to start taking laxatives at 2. Yes, I will be live tweeting.

You sick puppies. As if I would live tweet this. Story time isn't until Friday.

I have just had my last solid food. My first call starts in 15 minutes. Pray for Mojo.

I hate to disappoint everyone, but I'm finished my calls and so far... nothing has happened. That went... totally fine. Trust me. I'm as confused as anybody. That's not how my life normally works.

I've swallowed four Dulcolax, a packet of Pico-Salax, and about a gallon of ginger ale and... nothing. Now I know the joke. I'm the only person on Earth constipated by laxatives. I feel like a water balloon.

I love you all, and I'm sorry for everything I've ever done.

Oh my God. I need to sell my house and buy a new house.

I came out of the toilet and asked my VERY REAL GIRLFRIEND if she heard anything and she said, "I could hear you laughing."

Friends, life is a rich pageant. Enjoy every moment.

Can't. Stop. Pooping.