Alright, I'm gonna explain what's been happening these past few days. I've been losing motivation to do pretty much anything really.

Drawing? Yep. Playing games alone? That too. Exercise? Yeah. Sleeping? Can't sleep at night, only had 3 hours of sleep (6 am - 9 am).

On top of having issues with gender, sexuality, and overall identity as a person, I feel so lost. It feels like I just lost myself as a person. In addition, mood swings fucking suck, I don't know why I didn't have more of them in high school due to depression and anxiety.

Note how I didn't put a trigger warning. At times like this, I feel like I don't really care, and that's right now. I've been hitting my limits of socializing and exhausting myself a lot, but I can't sleep. While some of the meds do help with my mood, I sometimes don't like them.

For the 400+ followers, why do you follow me still when I barely do anything nowadays? I don't even have much cursed/blursed Bandori content to give, there's other people for that anyway. My art is generic, and overall not really good, despite trying to improve.

Along with the fact that I haven't been really active in any type of fandom. I just retweet stuff and I still haven't even opened my art account yet, I keep putting things aside to do later, but eventually it turns to not doing it at all. So why? I'm genuinely curious...

It's not that I'm lazy in my work ethic. Opposite, really. I have the capability to work hard with much effort, but when my motivation starts to dwindle, I just really don't care and do the bare minimum. What's wrong with me, is this what people call "burnout"?

Now, I'm just waiting for online classes to start. I don't know why I didn't take a year break, I really just don't know. I honestly don't have much hope for myself in college, who knows where I'll end up? I guess I'll wait and see, things change a lot.

Confession, sometimes I'm just so desperate for interacting, even if I have pushed my limit. It's because of how lonely I feel, and I realized that recently. Even with friends, I sometimes wonder why people are friends with me, if I can't admit that to people directly.

I also wonder if I can go too far with what I say, sometimes I wonder if people won't admit it to me? I sometimes think that people are talking badly about me behind my back. I sometimes wonder if I can be too worried, overbearing, or too passionate.

I think I'm boring. I'm not funny, I don't have a lot of jokes, nor much talent. Even with my grades that are good, but continue to suffer a bit due to my lack of motivation, I still feel pretty average. If you enjoy interacting with me, why?

I know people say "take a break", I really can't. That would cause me to lose more motivation and probably would cause me to end up in more of a slump of what to even do with myself. I probably would be just sleeping, napping around, staring at the ceiling for hours.

I know I shouldn't be saying this, but as I said, I pretty much don't care. I may regret saying this in the future, but whatever.

Finally, I want to say I do not blame others for my problems. I don't regret talking with or helping out others. I only blame myself for pushing it.

I think that's pretty much all I wanted to say. If I have anything else, I'll add to this thread, or I'll just make a separate thread for that and link this thread.

Please take care of yourselves. You may want to help others, but make sure you also take care of yourself.

Oh, I forgot to add. It feels like there is this feeling on my back or near my upper chest, it's like eating at me, it's not a health condition, but it's like making me somehow kind of sad? I don't know how to explain it well, sorry.