So it seems some folks on Twitter are complaining that Londoners are all rude.

Now it may seem that way on the surface, but let me explain...

Londoners are busy boys and girls. We've got stuff to do and we have to get it done with almost nine million other people in the way. So we've developed a certain way of going about town that makes this possible...

Firstly we don't really talk to each other in public. This is because we're on our phones and anyway we can't hear you with our big headphones on. Don't interrupt us when we're in our bubble!

If we do want you to talk to us please join a bus queue and wait for one of us to make the Secret Signal: we'll point at something - a bus, a pigeon, a costermonger etc - and say "well that's not right!"

You can then spend 10 minutes agreeing with us how not right that thing is.

At all other times Londoners not only mind their own business but tell each other to mind their own business too, before moaning out loud how they were only minding their own business when this whole business started, which they do indeed mind thank you very much for asking.

In London you must never just stop in the middle of the street. Imagine if one of your red blood cells just stopped in the middle of an artery, to look in a shop window or wonder if it was going the right way to get to Tower Records. Instant chaos! London's streets are the same.

And you must - and I cannot emphasise this enough - stand on the right of the escalator. Only a muppet stands on the left.

Please remember that ladies in London DO NOT want to talk to you: no matter how interesting, attractive or rich you may think think you are.

If they ever do want a word they'll send their mate over to insult you, so you know.

London is dirty, noisy, overcrowded, badly designed and expensive. Like the Universe itself it's also is coldly indifferent to its contents.

However that means you can dress how you want, think how you like and believe in whatever you wish to: everyone else will leave you alone because, well, they're kind of busy living their own life. It may seem rude to some but it ensures several million people can kinda rub along.

So here's to life in the mighty metropolis. If a man is tired of London, well he probably just needs a drink!

That'll be seven pounds please...