does anyone else experience their sense of self blurring a lot? like, not in a plurality way, but in a "literally any media i consume my sense of self seems to absorb it and i end up altered mentally and personality wise for several hours while my brain is still absorbed in that"

i also notice i tend to start mimicking other people's patterns of speech/writing if i spend a lot of time around them. like i dont feel like i have a solid personality or sense of self, sometimes ill outright lose myself in fictional reality and my sense of my own reality slips

It's disconcerting and not something i can control, so i get wary about watching or reading much stuff. i feel like im constantly losing myself in stuff other than me like my own sense of self or personality is nonexistent and prone to being overwritten or absorb other stuff

Ik this is silly but the best comparison i can give (yes ive been watching hannibal recently) is how there's a few conversations in hannibal about the potential of will losing himself in the identities of the killers he sees through

it's honestly probably the closest ive seen to how it feels, as well as my tendency for that blurring of self to happen through characters who aren't ones i empathize with in the traditional sense. i get guilty for the things characters who aren't even real have done

im still "me", im not someone else. it's hard to explain, the most similar was when i went through periods of time when i was young believing passages of the bible were talking to me

when i was younger, i went through periods of time where i believed stuff about the antichrist was applying to me and id get extremely distressed over stuff, it crossed over a bit with my ocd (especially because part of my "proof" was my intrusive thoughts) but was also different

i had times where id believe stuff abt the messiah applied to me too, and my sense of self would get really inflated and hard to control with both that and the antichrist stuff... it's hard to explain, you're sort of aware but you're also swept away by your own brain

i knew on some degree personally that it wasn't true and that i wasn't alright in that mental state, but i also felt like i was being swept away by my own brain. my thoughts felt racing and intense and large in a way they usually arent

i just don't know because the small degree of awareness even tho i feel like im being overwhelmed means im probably not having delusions, right...? but id see proof in all these things at the time it's like my brain was piecing things together on its own and i was dragged along

i still have passing thoughts abt this stuff that gets overwhelming, but not to the degree when i was stuck in fundie christian fuckery mentally. i just feel like i dont have a grip on my own brain and no amount of community or reassurance helps that

like i dont know what's supposed to reassure me when im constantly trying to push down that inflated sense of self and not get swept away in another I Think This Prophecy About A Biblical Figure Applies To Me moment

every time people try to reassure to me or help me figure out this stuff it just feels like people don't really get it. it feels like when NTs with mild depression tell them they Get (tm) the issues of someone with clinical depression

like, sure, there's some similarities, but it feels like some people don't really understand the connection between it and the biblical stuff for me, or the fact i have a history of believing unusual stuff, or the degree to which it impacts me

like it's not just this stuff, and other stuff feels connected. but i never get any solid answers or understanding