Friends, you may or may not know that today is Barack Obama's birthday. That's fine, but much more importantly it's also my husband's 50th birthday. We were going to go to the Grand Canyon but had to cancel so now we're having a pandemic birthday. Let me take you on this journey.

I have decided that the only thing to make this pandemic birthday even more 2020 - is if I took to baking. What you may know about me is - I don't know how to cook. Like at all. It's a combination of laziness, lack of patience, fear of failure, and rage issues.

So - what better way to show my affection than to conquer this fear and bake some shit today? My constraints, however, are severe: whatever I make has to be gluten free, sugar free and vegan. I know, right? That's a tough entry into baking.

What I'm saying is, I'm going to live tweet my first attempt at baking. This is my gift to you - because whatever you do today, it will be with more competence and skill than what I'm about to start. Wish me luck. Let's go.

OK so I did *research*. I don't know how you people do it. There are a lot of steps involved.

I first need to decide what to make. I think I will make a Polenta Tart with Peppers and Artichokes AND an Almond Plum Cake.
I did order the ingredients and they have arrived. That's it so far.
I don't know how to make these things.

Do I need to follow directions and "measure"? Like what's "a cup???"

How is this “a cup”? This is not a cup.

I have the plums for the cake. But I’d I just dump them on top they’ll still be hard, right? So I have to bake them first yes?

I have bought too many plums

Coconut butter is not like butter I was lied to

This is somehow supposed to turn into a tart crust? How

This is coconut “butter” it’s disgusting

Also this polenta thing is not sticking into any kind of dough

I think I accidentally made grits

This looks like shit

I am somewhat more optimistic about this almond flour cake crust

I’m doing all this while listening to a podcast about antisemitism and Im really questioning all of my life’s choices right now

This looks good but I tried it and somehow it’s way too salty