Every so often I stumble on a person who used to follow me, and with whom I had good conversations with, and then I wonder why they stopped following me. And because my brain is awesome, I only notice the ones where they’ve gained a ton of followers and/or more perceived success.

My brain tries to pull a pity party mode on me and I have to fight back against the 12 year old in me saying “See! I was right! You are stupid and fat and dumb! Nobody likes you!” The thoughts try to bury me under the weight of failures and doubt.

I have to remind my brain that my worth is not defined by likes or follower count. That the harder I try to play the social media games, the less happy I actually am.

I genuinely enjoy the conversations I have with you on this website. The thoughtful replies, the smart commentary, sharing what you’ve figured out about the world, and teaching me about things I wouldn’t have otherwise known about. I have learned a lot from Twitter.

But it really does do a number on my mental health from time to time. As someone who’s struggled with self esteem since that 12yo me first started blasting negative thoughts into my brain, Twitter can artificially inflate my ego so I don’t notice the pain for a while.

Lately it’s felt like the amount of conversations and discourse on here is dropping. In the past, when my world was in chaos, I found comfort and community online. Now the online world is where the chaos is, and I probably should lift my eyes and see those around me.

I don’t have a nice ending to this thread other than I’m going to go make some coffee, and help my kids kid set up for the day. Love you and thanks for reading if you read this far.