Thread by @ItsEmilyKaty, MY OCD STORY (possible trigger warning)

MY OCD STORY (possible trigger warning) - a thread.
My journey with OCD began at the start of 2016, which is when the first photo was taken. This photo haunts me because I can almost see the thoughts whizzing around my head. Thoughts I weren’t used to and which terrified me. /1

When my OCD first arrived, it tricked me into believing it was my friend. It told me that if I did certain things then I didn’t need to worry about the anxious thoughts which had been ruling my head since early 2015. Finally, I thought, a way to control my panic attacks! /2

At the start it went something like this:

Anxiety: You are going to have a panic attack and make a fool of yourself if you go there.

OCD: Listen, if you tap all your books 10 times and then again 10 times before you go to bed, you won’t have a panic attack.

I listened. /3

This way of thinking soon latched onto all of my anxiety. Worried about my Mum having a car crash? No need to worry, outline the window with you finger ten times and she won’t have a car crash. /4

At the start this wasn’t much of a problem. It helped a bit. The obvious external signs of my anxiety reduced. My panic attacks lessened. I felt comforted and safe that OCD (I didn’t have a name for it then) would make sure I did what I needed to stop my fears coming true. /5

Once my fears around contamination took over, it became more obvious. My hands would bleed constantly. I remember sitting in a history lesson and my teacher coming over with a box of tissues because I was getting blood all over my work as I wrote. /6

Fear of contamination consumed my brain. I washed my hands constantly. I showered immediately upon returning home. I got changed many times a day. I did rituals to make sure me my family or I wouldn’t get ill. /7

Slowly but surely OCD began to take over my life. It went from me being in control to OCD being in control of me. It dictated my every move. It consumed 98% of my thoughts. It told me what I could and couldn’t do. I became helpless. /8

I stayed up for hours each night and spent all my free time writing in a book everything about virtually all possible illnesses I could get, how to prevent these, what to do if I got them, signs and symptoms etc. I did the same for things like being kidnapped or burgled. /9

I took this book everywhere with me. Even at lunch and break times I would go in the library, research and add to my book. I was late to lessons because I washed my hands in between. I couldn’t write in class because I got blood over my work. /10

While OCD became all-consuming, it also became darker. It started telling me I needed to harm myself to stop bad things happening to my family and friends. I began experiencing thoughts about harming others and I had to carry out particular rituals to make sure I didn’t. /11

OCD made me feel like I was contaminated. It made me feel like I was a bad person. It made me feel like I didn’t deserve anything good. These feelings became so deeply entrenched in my view of myself and the world that I am still working at untangling them now. /12

Six months after OCD arrived I went into the office of someone who supported me at school and I told her everything. I was distraught. I knew I needed help. I was self harming daily and my OCD was out of control. My mum was called into school. /13

Something I do remember is that person saying to me, ‘Emily, this isn’t just anxiety. This is OCD. We’re going to get you help.’ At the time I didn’t know what OCD was. But knowing there was a name to what I was experiencing was immensely reassuring. /14

Unfortunately, the only message which seemed to get passed on was about the self harm which I had been struggling with alone for over a year by this point. My OCD was left out of conversations. I was referred to CAMHS, who referred me to Step 2. /15

Step 2 is the bottom tier of CAMHS. It’s early intervention. For me that meant 6 sessions going through a CBT workbook with someone who I felt invalidated everything I said with ‘but don’t you think all your friends feel like that?’. I finished the sessions and that was it. /16

My OCD did improve a little, the more exposures I did. But it was when I became suicidal that my OCD improved the most. I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care what happened to me. I gave in to the internal fighting in my brain between OCD and me. I gave up and no longer cared. /17

This then resulted in me being sectioned in September 2017 and struggling with my mental health in other ways, but that is a different story. My OCD stayed but it got quieter. I did exposure work in inpatient and with community CAMHS and it has improved massively. /18

When I think back to 2016, I remember pain. Physical pain because my hands would bleed and burn constantly from washing them. Internal pain from the loudness in my head. I don’t remember joy. Every photo from that time is tainted because I know what was going on in my head. /19

I also remember it taking up every moment of my day. I remember one afternoon walking around my village tapping each lamp post ten times, putting on handgel and then moving to the next lamp post. Things like this happened every day. I was consumed by my OCD. /20

Thankfully that is no longer the case. My OCD consumed 98% of my thoughts at one stage, and now I would say on the average day it consumes 5%. I live my life and OCD rarely gets in my way. I enjoy things. I am a student mental health nurse. Like my top says, keep going.

/21

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