So, aside from a couple random retweets I mostly dropped off Twitter for the last month because I went through a hefty mental breakdown - a long dark tunnel of anxiety punctuated with panic attacks. I thought I was dying. I’m 90% well now because I went to a doctor & got help.

My anxiety started when I was diagnosed with a - now removed - skin cancer the same week as shut down started but it was manageable for a while. Sometimes I was actually doing great. But as things dragged on and my mole removal kept getting pushed back, things just piled on.

Between the stuff we’ve all been going through - covid, protests, riots, Tumpism, work stoppage, work startage and stoppage again, etc - the skin cancer, friends health scares, friends of friends dying, not knowing how to help my son’s sadness/loneliness, it all just piled up.

I tweeted in early July that I felt like I had an electrified wire running through my body. That was the constant hum of anxiety. I wish I‘d seen a doctor then. That feeling had been building for months. I’d already had one panic attack and another would be coming along shortly.

I had my second major panic attack in early July, probably right after that tweet. I thought I was having a heart attack. I made that appointment with my doctor. In the several days I had to wait, the panic did not subside. I was barely functional.

The anxiety had been building for months & yet it took me until it was completely unbearable to see anyone or ask for help. I was determined to push through it or ignore it and hope it would go away.

I’ve always been stubbornly unable to ask for help in a stupid prideful way - this applies to every field of my entire being: skills, career, mental health, everything. I’ve always felt a level of shame in receiving help, even when I absolutely needed it. That is dumb.

Every time I in my life that I have waited to ask for help it has only made things worse and more difficult. And the honest truth of my life is that I would be nowhere without the help that has been gifted me from others. Absolutely nowhere. And yet I am still reluctant, always.

It took me almost the entirety of July to climb out of a dark, oppressive, electrified tunnel that felt like it would go on forever. The despair was overwhelming at points. I cried a lot. I’m *mostly* better now but I’m still just managing it day to day - and will be for months.

The reason I am tweeting about all of this is simple. I know I’m not alone. The things going on right now are crushing. And there are surely many like me who have never really dealt with mental health issues in their life who are starting to feel out of control. Get help now.

Don’t wait to get help. It will only make it harder. You can’t just force your way through this. Not healthfully anyway. And the longer you wait, the longer the climb out may be.

Maybe help is medication. Maybe it isn’t. Maybe it’s just talking to a professional. For me it is a short term “when I need it“ medication, some therapy, finally having that fucking mole removed and figuring out some strategies to help my son. But everyone is different.

Just know that if you’re having a hard time, you’re not alone. And if, like me, you’re suffering from acute anxiety and crippling panic attacks, more of your friends than you are probably aware have gone through the same thing at some point.

When I talked about what I was going through on Facebook, the number of friends who reached out to me with their experiences was both overwhelming and heartwarming. A series of texts from one friend was a particular breakthrough for me. Be open.

If you can’t afford or are wary of in-person doctor visits right now, there are so many online options available. If you are too wound up and can’t spend the energy to figure something out, reach out to a friend and ask for help. Just do something now before it gets even harder.

Anyway, love to everybody. I’ll probably be around a little more now that I’m mostly feeling okay. But probably not too much because jeepers Twitter is a nightmare trash-fire and I should probably avoid using it too much until I’m 100%.