thread cw: manipulation, mental illness, suicide



i want to talk about some stuff. i found myself researching “if i commit suicide, will i go to heaven” today because i think i’m the closest to it that i’ve ever been. 1/15

i’ve been struggling and i think i’m tired of being seen as “perfect until proven imperfect.” i have issues, and i’m trying to improve myself in a way that’s least grating to my (admittedly already garbage) mental health. 2/15

i’m bad at communication because of my depression as well as analysis paralysis due to my anxiety disorder. i’m impulsive (mostly when it comes to flirting and being horny). i struggle with ideas of morality/guilt. then, i beat myself up more than i should instead of grow. 3/15

i lived my life for many years being a wishy-washy anxious person afraid of guilt tripping people, afraid of manipulating people, afraid of abusing people, because it had happened to me and subjecting someone else to that would be absolutely horrifying. 4/15

i used to go to therapy (i don’t anymore, covid) and my therapist recommended that i think less and act more. that thinking before doing is a good thing, but not if it gets in the way of living. so i took her advice, and i’ve lead myself too far down the other side. 5/15

it’s easy to be an asshole. it’s easy to make mistakes, and it’s easy to not think. it’s easy to be scummy. easier than anyone imagines. and you won’t realize it until you’re the scumbag. and that’s where i am right now. 6/15

spite is like a drug. self-improvement isn’t easy or linear, but society acts as if it is. as if they’re on a higher moral ground than people who fuck up more. and that leads to people getting even worse. and… that’s where i was, figuring out the least painful way to die. 7/15

i’m trying to get better! nobody’s in my head but me; i know myself better than anyone else. i know that i’ve fucked up, and i’ve pushed to make amends and improve, and i’ve done what i can to move forward without sacrificing my mental health or even my life, at this point. 8/15

that isn’t to say that distancing yourself from someone because their actions make you feel uncomfortable is a bad thing. that’s a healthy thing to do, and it makes sense. your own personal comfort is not malevolent, and you shouldn’t be criticized for it.
 9/15

but it shouldn’t take someone’s suicide to determine that harassment and ridicule aren’t the best way to approach someone that’s struggling with the mistakes that they’ve made in life. 10/15

if you’re looking at this thread thinking “they’re trying to manipulate, guilt trip for attention, victimizing themself” you’ve found a core reason that i have an anxiety disorder. because that can happen even when i’m not thinking about it. so i'll be upfront and frank. 11/15

this is not to manipulate. this is not to make me look like i’m a better person than i actually am. this is not meant to guilt trip anyone. this is me talking about what i’m struggling with on my twitter. and you can take anything you want from it. 12/15

i’m... pretty sure i’m not killing myself. i have too much work to do, too many people to prove wrong, and too many dreams i’ve fallen in love with to just throw it away because i’m not perfect and people want to shove it in my face even when i’m working to improve myself. 13/15

i apologize to the people that i wrong. i make amends. i try to approach my flaws and mistakes in a holistic, healthy way that doesn’t make me want to die (because that’s important, though difficult). 14/15

and that’s all we *can* do, since we can’t change what we’ve already done. we just have to stop it from happening again. you can only ever do your best; do everything you can. if you know you're genuine, be at peace and push forward.

here’s to getting better, folks. <3

15/15