it is difficult talking about struggling with my faith because I know the slightest sign of weakness or hesitation will be seized upon by the worst freaks on the internet, but I think it is important to be open about the fact that I am not always having a nice time

with hardship comes ease, right? it’s just part of the texture of religious belief. granted I think a lot of religious people don’t have people howling at them that they are faking it, which lends an extra bit of spice to the whole dynamic

but you can’t hear that from that many people - or at least, I can’t - without thinking, ‘shit, am I?’. and it is very seductive to just Stop Trying. sure, they’ll take it as vindication that they were right all along, but it would save me a lot of this type of feeling

it is not always easy and not always joyful and I very very often fuck up, and sometimes it requires this exhausting constant effort that still never seems to get me any closer to the kind of Islam I want to have

but ultimately the thing stopping me is that it wouldn’t be true. I still believe in one God, still believe in the truth of Quranic revelation. and it seems like all my life the one kind of self-harm I’ve actually been trying to avoid is calling myself something I’m not

I hope - and believe - that there’s some reward at the end of this for the deserving, but even if I’m wrong and we all just go into le epic bacon r/science absence of consciousness, I will at least have been true to myself about what shape I thought that consciousness took

dunno what the fuck I’m gonna do if I die and there’s a guy with like twenty arms there asking me why I ate so much beef though