It's come to my attention that some people don't understand what I mean when I say "being fat makes you self conscious", so let me explain. A thread

First of all, I'd like to disclaim that while I'm not the largest person I know I have on many occasions been the largest in a room or heck even a bigger class. Since around 2017 my weight has fluctuated alot, in the past year alone I've been both my largest and smallest size

Of course even at my smallest I'm still larger than many people, but this is just the perspective I'm coming from

A common misconception I see is people conflating self-consciousness with self-confidence, like when I say I'm self-conscious I mean insecure. This couldn't be further from the truth.

My confidence levels have fluctuated massively my whole life. There have been times where a stranger approaching me on the street to call me a fat cow didn't phase me, and times when someone else even briefly mentioning their own weightloss would make me want to cry

Also important to note is these states didn't correlate to my current size at the time but my current mental health and was contributed to by many other factors in my life. However no matter where on that spectrum of confidence I am, I am always always always self-conscious

So what do I mean by self-conscious? I mean that literally. Constantly aware. Aware of my weight and aware of others perception of me. I think to myself about the fact that I am fat so many times a day, I almost think I'd be shocked if I did an exercise where I go about my

day and just tally every time it comes to mind. I probably wouldn't believe that number either, and I'm certain many skinny people would think I artificially inflated that number to make a point.

These thoughts aren't usually negative or positive (though they are on occasion). They're usually quite neutral actually. If you've ever been around me when:

-I meet someone new
-I make eye contact with a stranger
-I go someplace new
-I stand up
-I sit down
-I have to squeeze by someone
-Someone has to squeeze by me
-The floor creeks beneath me
-I'm somewhere crowded (especially the bus)
-Someone sits next to me
-I look into a mirror

Then congratulations! You've been with me when I've been aware I'm fat. This is just a quick list of things that do it every time too, it happens a lot more times then this in a typical day.

"this person knows they just met a fat person" or "the whole class knows a fat person just walked in" is basically what it's like. Again, not necessarily negative or positive, but the awareness that everyone sees and knows my size and that is informing their view of me

It's the knowledge that the grocery clerk is probably viewing what I'm getting through their judgment of my body. Sure this isn't very likely, I know they don't really care, but it's not like they are always just scanning along without thoughts or judgments either

But it's not the costumer service workers perception I'm really worried about, it's the broader implication that every single persons perception of my immediate self and actions will be through that lens. Will employers see my interview outfit as well put together, or "adequate"?

Will they believe this means I'm not a hard worker and can't commit to something as consistent as a gym? The tiniest sentences can be evidence of completely different personality traits in their eyes and the fact that I'm fat is taken into account whether they're aware or not

But I'm aware. I'm aware this changes how they perceive me and therefore changes how I behave

But it's not the end of the world, right? I mean these thoughts are usually just true facts my brain points out without attached judgements, I said myself they're not negative or positive, they just happen. So what's the problem?

Imagine how tiring it is to be unable to stop thinking about your body, this many times a day, likely since you were very very young (I'd say this started around 10 for me). Even in neutral, usually mere seconds long burst of awareness that fade away, that's so much mental energy

Just so my brain can remember a fact I'm well aware of. When I say being fat makes you self-conscious, I mean you spend so much of your life just thinking about your body and your appearance that no matter how confident and secure you are you rarely get to stop thinking about it

(and I wonder how I became so consumed with my makeup, my hair, my clothes, and overall beauty as tools of self expression smh)

So while I don't believe in slamming on thin people, I do want you to think about how much of your time you spend thinking about your body and size, because if it's not that often that you are aware of your body that is a type of privilege you should consider you have

(also if anybody uses this thread to make any bad ableist takes on eating disorders you will be blocked immediately)