mood: Chinese takeout and “Jurassic Park”

tag yourself I’m Ellie Satler, distracted by a leaf when there’s a whole brachiosaurus right next to me

best joke I did not get as a child: the lawyer asking Hammond if the scientists are “auto-erotica” when he actually means “animatronic”

the fact that tourists could just take the ride past the ACTUAL LAB, with all that priceless intellectual property right out on display, is the first real sign that Hammond is too soft to run a business

they don’t even do that shit at the Tillamook Cheese Factory

remember the nineties when literally nothing was fancier than Chilean sea bass

god I would kill for Hammond’s black and gold Jurassic Park china

Ian Malcolm explaining that because no discipline or sacrifice was required for Hammond to achieve what he achieved, he takes no responsibility for it, feels like a decades-early callout of Zuckerberg and Jack tbh

“HOLD ONTO YOUR BUTTS”

I would die for Tim and Lex

iconic

this is far from the first movie I saw in theatres (I was 12 when it came out) but it is one of my clearest earliest memories of the EXPERIENCE of watching a movie

like I’ll remember Cat and I clutching each other in hysterical panic at the goat thing until the day I die

I love my large triceratops son

tag yourself I’m Ellie Satler, crying about dinosaurs

“You married?”
“Occasionally.”

Grant and Malcolm are fucking hilarious together

god, the escalating menace of storm plus computer failure so you’re terrified before you’ve ever even seen a carnivore, has any action movie ever done it better

THE CUP OF WATER VIBRATING STILL FUCKS ME UP FAM

this entire T-Rex sitch remains one of the scariest things I have ever seen and I am almost forty

RIP toilet lawyer

remember when it was still sort of specialized knowledge that a T-Rex couldn’t see you if you didn’t move? POOR LEX AND HER FLASHLIGHT

Nedry deserves to die just for trying to play fetch with a goddamn dinosaur

“Well, we’re back in the car again.” I love Timmy

The reflection of Malcolm’s face in the puddle inside the T-Rex footprint as the water starts to ripple again is a fucking STUNNING shot

“Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear”

I love this quiet little moment with Hammond and Ellie and the melting ice cream

Hammond is never more endearing than when he’s reminiscing about his lil flea circus

“I am NOT a computer nerd, I PREFER to be called a HACKER” I love that the girl is the tech genius here

I also noticed like three other women besides Ellie on the dig so like “Jurassic Park” gets props for representing women in STEM

I, too, lounge insouciantly with my nips out every time I am recovering from massive blood loss and a near-death experience

“HOLD ONTO YOUR BUTTS” 2.0

*extremely I.T. voice* “Jurassic Park, have you tried turning it off and then on again?”

“yeah, John, but if Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don’t EAT THE TOURISTS.”

“we can discuss sexism in survival situations when I get back.”

honestly the fact that the dialogue is so zippy and quotable is half the magic of this movie

I neither like nor support hunting but I have to say that the Australian is the only actually useful employee of this entire establishment

the race against time with Grant and the kids climbing the dead fence as Ellie races to switch it back on also made me absolutely insane with tension as a child

ha ha kill me, I forgot there’s a raptor in the shed with Ellie and I just screamed like a banshee (I knew the severed arm was coming, though, rip)

ah, thank god, the children are indoors, where there is ice cream and nothing bad can possibly happen to them

time to relax, take a big sip of water, and let my guard all the way down

this shot. is. incredible. HER EYES

WHEN THE RAPTOR OPENS THE KITCHEN DOOR

Something I love about this movie is the palpable sense of relief the kids have as soon as trustworthy grownups show up

like they sprint out of the kitchen and just FLING themselves at Grant and Ellie and we all finally exhale at the same time

MY PRECIOUS BABY LEX SAVES THE DAY BECAUSE SHE KNOWS UNIX

WHEN T-REX SAVES THE DAY BY EATING THE RAPTORS!!!!!!!! YES QUEEN!!!!! (The “When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth” banner floating down around her is such a perfect touch)

The flock of flying birds outside the helicopter window as that old John Williams magic kicks in and they fly off towards the horizon for showers, Xanax and hopefully therapy is a perfect final shot to a perfect movie

LIFE FINDS A WAY!

wait did everyone know Jurassics Park 2 and 3 are also on Netflix

evening plans = made

I remember when I first saw these that I was bummed Alan and Ellie weren’t in them, but as an adult I support their choice to just stay the entire hell away from anything that might possibly involve live dinosaurs

we open on a new island, 87m south of Isla Nublar, with yachts and shitty rich people

I hope they get eaten by a dinosaur that washes ashore like in the book

wow is this the only Spielberg where the cute kid is brutally killed in the cold open

Ian Malcolm is on the subway with stubble getting stared at to indicate a fall from grace

LEX AND TIMMY ARE BACK!!!!!!

omg they all signed NDAs so they couldn’t talk about the dinosaurs, I forgot about this

everyone thinks Ian is crazy!

of COURSE Hammond had a Site B

Hammond: “Don’t worry, I’m not making the same mistakes again.”

Malcolm: “No, you’re making all new ones.”

oh good, the little girl didn’t die, though Hammond the loving grandpa seems weirdly blasé about it

Thank you Hammond for this exposition dump about Ian Malcolm’s love life, viva the paleontologist girlfriend

me immediately identifying Richard Schiff’s voice after two words before he even enters the shot

oh wow I love Ian’s kid I hope she shows away

Toby’s career before getting into politics took him to some strange places

STEGASAURUSES!!!!!!!!

I just laughed so hard at this

Julianne Moore is already a whole delight, I would die for her

I wish there was a whole movie with just her and Ellie and Lex going on dino adventures with Claire Dearing and Zia and Maisie

just girls and dinosaurs

“Please. I’ve worked around predators since I was twenty years old. Lions, jackals, hyenas, you . . . “

I LOVE HER

Sarah calling Ian out for the fact that he’ll fly out to a remote island to heroically rescue her from possibly getting killed by a T-Rex but can’t be bothered to show up for dinner with her parents is honestly perfect and I love that the girlfriend and the daughter are a team

ARE THE BAD GUYS DINOSAUR POACHERS???

God I love Pete Postlethwaite

THEY KIDNAPPED A BABY T-REX TO BAIT THE PARENTS SO ROLAND CAN HUNT THEM, I HATE IT HERE

I do appreciate that the moral of these movies is always “shitty people with no respect for nature, dying horribly”

don’t you hate it when your all staff zoom meeting is interrupted by a Triceratops attack

I too want a pet baby T-Rex, I’ve never related to a Vince Vaughn character more

Kelly feeling safer being up in the tree is deeply relatable

if I was gonna go to a dinosaur island I would simply take a hot air balloon, never touch the ground, and confirm in advance that there were no pterodactyls

MOM AND DAD T-REX FOUND THEM OH NO okay this is weirdly so soft though they’re searching for their baby

okay but filming the T-Rex shoving the trailer off a cliff from INSIDE THE TRAILER so you just suddenly feel the entire world flip upside down with shit flying everywhere scared the pants off me

THERE IS NOTHING BETWEEN HER AND DEATH BUT A RAPIDLY FRACTURING WINDSHIELD

THIS IS AN EXCELLENT MOVIE

I truly miss the 80s and 90s heyday of the PG-13 action movie

BABY TOBY ZIEGLER TO THE RESCUE

It is always raining in a Jurassic Park movie

Oh my god this whole breathless action sequence of Toby doing things with rope and cable in the mud to try and tow the trailer off the cliff while everyone is DANGLING OVER THE SEA ON A SINGLE ROPE, and now THE T-REXES ARE BACK

I had to pause to collect myself

If Richard Schiff dies I will be very upset

OH DEAR

Holy shit, saved by the shitty hunters

my favorite fact about the team of bad guys is that one of them is the same actor who played the weirdo German film director in “The Office Job”, perhaps one of the single best episodes in five seasons of “Leverage”

you know, if you allow for the fact that the first Jurassic Park is one of the single greatest action films ever made and can never be topped, and you just watch this as movie, by normal movie standards, so far it’s actually an incredibly enjoyable movie on every level

German hunter guy is going off alone to pee, rip

he is gonna get tiny-dinosaured to death, I am STRESSED

not because I care about him but because this is gonna be gross

ooooooh the fact that they chase him behind a log and then the screaming stops and the water slooooooowly turns red, that was spooky

People attempting to SLEEP on the GROUND at NIGHT on a DINOSAUR ISLAND are so dumb

Of course the second Malcolm walks past a puddle, it starts to vibrate

*screams*

*screams louder*

WHY DOES ANYONE GO ANYWHERE ALONE IN A DINOSAUR MOVIE

The raptor invasion of the creepy old abandoned operations center has scared the absolute crap out of me oh my GOD this is quality cinema

KELLY MY BABY GYMNASTICS QUEEEEEEEEEEEN

wait a minute they’re on the chopper flying away but there’s half an hour of movie left, how is this going to go wrong

They’re taking the T-Rex back to the mainland, surely this will end well

JURASSIC PARK SAN DIEGO?????? what an absolute garbage dump of an idea

and just for funzies an enormous ship crashes into the dock in the middle of their press conference, there will absolutely be dinosaurs on board

T-REX ON THE LOOSE IN THE CITAYYYYYYY YES GIRL GO EXPLORING

listen I love this

this should be EVERY MOVIE

T-Rex just casually drinking out of a backyard swimming pool

is this movie. about to give me. a T-REX VS. CORVETTE CAR CHASE

“San Diego Animal Control” lmao just turn around and give up son you’re in over your head

I really hope this Kirkland Signature Bob Balaban gets eaten by the T-Rex since this is all his fault

That was excellent, I am now absolutely going to watch the third one immediately

This one I have no memories of whatsoever but I’m excited whether it’s good or terrible tbh

update, i changed my mind and decided it was time for bed so I will save this for another day, nobody get your hopes up for a live-tweet just yet