For a long time people mocked me and insulted me to my face - ALWAYS Toronto gay white male friends, no one else - for moving back with my parents. They saw it as contemptible.

I came back fleeing the UK after a break up. I had nothing left. Where did they expect me to go? https://twitter.com/Mikeggibbs/status/1289841305002971137
And I spent my adult life not living with my parents. And barely ever seeing them bc I worked in Alberta for years and then the UK. Before that, dtwn TO, Ottawa and Kingston.

I was a fully formed experienced adult. Yet they talked to me as if I was 18 and had to leave the nest.
It was brutal.

No exagerarion. Very nasty jokes. And almost all of them, well off white gay males. No one else shamed me for living with my parents.

Just them.

And when I met other gay white men for a date, they shamed me too. For some reason they felt a license to do that.
I couldn't stand their attitudes; eventually we drifted apart. We didn't get along like we used to.

Only 2 gay white males of the big group I saw socially don"t aggressively shame and judge anyone's "lower station" in life.

Jason and Michael. 😄
(YOU WIN!! YOU'RE GOOD GAYS!)
Pandemic and my Dad's health condition has made me realize how twisted and wrong that shaming was.

Being home is a gift. I'm not alone in a condo all by myself.

This is exactly where I want to be for this stage of life. I want to be with them. Why should I be ashamed of that?
We live separate lives on different floors. Sometimes it can be days without a hello. If I'm in a hardcore writing phase, I bunker myself a bit.

Most days I'm writing or learning video production.

We're not on top of each other. And I'm glad we're together. We need each other.
I'm with them for their last chapter of life. That's a privilege.

Every so often they have beautiful moments of clarity.

Because they're at the top of the mountain. They can look down and see a whole life and what happened, what mattered, what didn't matter.
They still have their minds.

For now - knock on wood lasts a little longer - they are still 100% themselves as a married couple in their last stage together.

There is nothing more precious.

There is nothing more important.

There is nothing more beautiful.
They are sharing with me their occasional bursts of wisdom that living a whole life has told them.

They are piecing together the meaning of life..? Actually, we're talking it out together! I'm contributing too. I've faced my own mortality not long ago, so I can add pieces.
I get to experience this with them.

They still have not even seen their grandchildren since pandemic started. Not even Zoom I don't think? 😭

So I'm experiencing this alone. Special for me. But I'm so sad for the rest of my family who are not conscious of what they're missing.
And my parents who can't do much to tell a busy, oblivious young family that they should spend some time with Grandma and Grandpa.

It makes me angry - livid - how young families take old people for granted. And see them as a chore. Who will always be there.
But my experience with gay white males has me convinced this is more about white people being white people.

Among the wider group of people I know, nom-white families *seem* to be more focused on their elders? Is that fair?

(Exceptions: Campkins in Ajax adore their elders)
We neglect our elders. To the point we do nothing while they are abused and tortured for years.

And we shame the concept of living with our elders even when we both benefit so much from it.

One family I know - brown not white - live next to their elders. *And very happily.*
VERY happily.

They co-exist in harmony. They help each other. They can babysit if Mom and Dad need time together.

As a result, your elders as neighbours, or living together, gives these parents FREEDOM. Lots of it.

Regularly. On demand.

Both parties are thrilled.
So, I would say to white people - because it's really just us who persist with delusional macho bullshit - that jokes about living with your parents are not acceptable anymore.

It reveals something shameful about YOU. I understood that before pandemic bc it was plain wrong!
Why did we ever think it was okay to shame and mock people who were out of a job? Who had no income? Desperate people?

Why was that EVER okay? Why did we laugh at that?

Think about it.

That's not funny. That's cruel. Yet it was (maybe it still is?) widely acceptable mocking.
That very simple moral equation was always available to us.

I did it in my head before I moved in with my parents. I didn't employ that joke that I can recall? If I did it was rare.

Because it didn't pass the gut check: does it make you feel queasy?
And mocking and shaming people for living with their parents comes from a place of high privilege.

That joke was used DURING AN AFFORDABILITY CRISIS.

The only ones who didn't were @jnardari and @TotzkeM. They deserve a clap!

I may be forgetting some, but they stick out.
Of MY gay white male social circle, that is.

ASIDE: Jason is from Northern Ontario. So that explains something.

He works on Bay Street in finance but is a northerner at heart and knows not to shame anyone for their circumstances or poverty.

(we're friends since Queens)
You can follow @Mikeggibbs.
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