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Aight, y& #39;all are gonna get a crash course tonight whether you like it or not.
Question: Do you all know what BPD is?
It& #39;s a wonderful little thing called "Borderline Personality Disorder," which is a bit of a non-indicative name.
Emotional Dysregulation Disorder is also used.
Question: Do you all know what BPD is?
It& #39;s a wonderful little thing called "Borderline Personality Disorder," which is a bit of a non-indicative name.
Emotional Dysregulation Disorder is also used.
Those of us with this disorder basically have no "limiter" for our emotional states. We& #39;re either a zero, or we& #39;re a 4.78 billion. We have NO in-between settings at ALL.
On one side of the coin, this means we feel things such as love, joy and attachment VERY deeply and intensely
On one side of the coin, this means we feel things such as love, joy and attachment VERY deeply and intensely
However, it also means things like anger, sadness, grief, hatred, jealousy and any other negative feeling you can think of is amped up to these insanely high levels.
It is absolutely DEBILITATING to feel these emotions for us. We basically drown in it.
It is absolutely DEBILITATING to feel these emotions for us. We basically drown in it.
As an additional caveat to this wonderful, piece of shit disorder, we also get the "bonus" of having wild, unpredictable mood swings where we& #39;ll be riding on air one moment and then be practically begging for someone to hug us a second later.
In our "negative" moods, we have a tendency to become... "Impulsive" in an attempt to distract ourselves from horrible feeling of ramped up negative emotion.
Some people choose their own vices to numb themselves with. Others just suffer through it, or lash out at others.
Some people choose their own vices to numb themselves with. Others just suffer through it, or lash out at others.
We also have a fluctuating sense of self-worth and perception of who we are.
A lot of us have a deep-seated self-hatred stemming from past traumas or incidents, and our sense of "self" is tenuous at best.
A lot of us have a deep-seated self-hatred stemming from past traumas or incidents, and our sense of "self" is tenuous at best.
Some of us have a tendency to rely on others to gain a sense of "scale" as to who we are and what we& #39;re worth. We just don& #39;t know how else to measure up, and a lack of validation from those we respect basically causes us to collapse in on ourselves like a demolished skyscraper.
Oh, but this isn& #39;t even the GOOD stuff.
The next one is the REAL kicker that fucking DESTROYS us, and is the reason for 95% of our problems:
Fear of abandonment.
Buckle up fuckers, because this is where basically all of us just want to get off of BPD& #39;s Wild Ride.
The next one is the REAL kicker that fucking DESTROYS us, and is the reason for 95% of our problems:
Fear of abandonment.
Buckle up fuckers, because this is where basically all of us just want to get off of BPD& #39;s Wild Ride.
Because we feel love and attachment so deeply, we would basically do anything to keep those we love in our lives.
But the moment we see shadows or specters of someone we love trying to leave us, we break. Shatter, even.
But the moment we see shadows or specters of someone we love trying to leave us, we break. Shatter, even.
This is where the impulsivity comes in! o/
In our state of abject panic, we end up approaching the loved person in question with our fears, and sometimes it& #39;s either in a fit of dysregulated fury, despair or whatever form of nightmarish hellshade we& #39;re feeling at the time.
In our state of abject panic, we end up approaching the loved person in question with our fears, and sometimes it& #39;s either in a fit of dysregulated fury, despair or whatever form of nightmarish hellshade we& #39;re feeling at the time.
In some cases, our fears are allayed through reassurance by the loved one in question, and we feel at peace again...
But at other times, we& #39;re seen as "too much to handle," and the fears that have settled into our hearts become cemented as truth.
But at other times, we& #39;re seen as "too much to handle," and the fears that have settled into our hearts become cemented as truth.
At that moment, our hearts become irreparably damaged and scarred, and the trauma of abandonment bears a permanent mark on our ability to trust others, and amplifies our fear of abandonment even further.
It& #39;s a self-feeding cycle that essentially RUINS our lives.
It& #39;s a self-feeding cycle that essentially RUINS our lives.
As we lose more and more people to our own inflating paranoia, we become so broken and lost within our own hearts that... A lot of us become unable to deal with it.
CW: Suicide
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Because of our inability to regulate our reactions to our stacking mountains of pain, a lot of us end up taking our own lives from the sheer emotional weight.
About 10% of us, in fact.
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Because of our inability to regulate our reactions to our stacking mountains of pain, a lot of us end up taking our own lives from the sheer emotional weight.
About 10% of us, in fact.
It& #39;s hell.
This disorder is ACTUAL hell.
I wouldn& #39;t wish this bullshit on ANYBODY. NOBODY deserves to feel the pain that this causes. It& #39;s debilitating and interferes with every facet of our lives to the point that it ends up killing some of us.
This disorder is ACTUAL hell.
I wouldn& #39;t wish this bullshit on ANYBODY. NOBODY deserves to feel the pain that this causes. It& #39;s debilitating and interferes with every facet of our lives to the point that it ends up killing some of us.
And because of the inaccessibility of health care in America, ESPECIALLY mental health care, a lot of us live with this untreated.
Myself included.
Myself included.
The disorder also carries a LOT of social stigma with it. We& #39;re often seen as "psychotic," "crazy," "too much to deal with," "manipulative" and "unable to feel true love."
Even by PROFESSIONALS in the health care field...!
Even by PROFESSIONALS in the health care field...!
There are mental health care professionals who refuse to even SEE clients with BPD because of the stigma associated with it.
Can you believe that? People whose entire JOBS revolve around helping people with mental health problems won& #39;t even help us!
Can you believe that? People whose entire JOBS revolve around helping people with mental health problems won& #39;t even help us!
"Gee, people with BPD actually DO sound a bit difficult..."
Hahaha, you wanna know what& #39;s even harder?
HAVING THE GODDAMN THING. :3
Hahaha, you wanna know what& #39;s even harder?
HAVING THE GODDAMN THING. :3
We& #39;re NOT monsters.
We& #39;re NOT manipulative, or psychotic, or unable to love.
In fact, I love far too deeply for my own good a lot of the time.
We& #39;re just people who& #39;ve been dealt a bad hand. We deserve to be loved just as much as anyone else...
We& #39;re NOT manipulative, or psychotic, or unable to love.
In fact, I love far too deeply for my own good a lot of the time.
We& #39;re just people who& #39;ve been dealt a bad hand. We deserve to be loved just as much as anyone else...
If you have someone you love who has BPD, please, I am BEGGING you... Don& #39;t leave them. Don& #39;t leave us. Don& #39;t give up on us.
We try so hard to function in a society that& #39;s so combative against the very IDEA of people like us.
We try so hard to function in a society that& #39;s so combative against the very IDEA of people like us.
We know it& #39;s hard... We know we can run pretty hot and we know we can be difficult to handle...
But we still love you. We love you SO much and just knowing you& #39;re around to be there with us does more than you can begin to fathom.
But we still love you. We love you SO much and just knowing you& #39;re around to be there with us does more than you can begin to fathom.
I& #39;m not saying you should put up with someone who& #39;s straight up abusive with you, though. Fuck that.
But some of us just love you deeply. If we didn& #39;t love you so much, we wouldn& #39;t be so scared at just the PROSPECT of you leaving us...
But some of us just love you deeply. If we didn& #39;t love you so much, we wouldn& #39;t be so scared at just the PROSPECT of you leaving us...
I normally wouldn& #39;t mention something this personal on main, but I feel this is essential for getting the point across for how crushingly debilitating it is:
Do you want to know what MY first "critical" experience with severe abandonment trauma was?
It was my mother.
Do you want to know what MY first "critical" experience with severe abandonment trauma was?
It was my mother.
She was married to an incredibly abusive man who tormented me for years.
When I was around 20 years old, he threw me out of the house... And mom just accepted it.
No fighting back.
No arguments.
Nothing.
She left me out to dry.
For him.
When I was around 20 years old, he threw me out of the house... And mom just accepted it.
No fighting back.
No arguments.
Nothing.
She left me out to dry.
For him.
The pain of that moment still affects me deeply to this day.
It has subsequently affected my ability to trust in every relationship I& #39;ve had since.
She was the person I trusted most for the first 20 years of my life, and she broke it irreparably in a fraction of a second.
It has subsequently affected my ability to trust in every relationship I& #39;ve had since.
She was the person I trusted most for the first 20 years of my life, and she broke it irreparably in a fraction of a second.
