Been thinking about this thread and the reasons I felt the need to post it... (1/n) https://twitter.com/MarissaKawehi/status/1289201672091131904

Part of it was the reason I stated: to feel pride in what I've accomplished during a very challenging year (especially to help pump me up for the fast approaching fall semester). To be clear, I think this is a completely legit reason to brag about myself. lol. (2/n)

But this morning while I was thinking about a talk I'm supposed to give on my "math journey" in a department colloquium later this fall, I realized there was another subconscious reason. (3/n)

Whenever I talk about the difficult experiences I've had in math (related to racism/sexism) I always feel the need to assert my excellence as exhibited by external factors like fellowships, grades, papers, talks, etc. (4/n)

Of course, there is a reason I do this. It's a reflexive response to all the times my concerns or the concerns of other Black, brown, and/or Indigenous women are dismissed as being a reflection of our own inherent lack of ability or as a lack of preparation. (5/n)

This is "lack of preparation" is a narrative I had internalized to a large extent. I used to characterize myself as under prepared for grad school because of how poorly I did my 1st sem. In fact, I was more than prepared, but I was also excluded, belittled, and isolated. (6/n)

Even in this thread (see my last tweet), I'm falling into the same trap of justifying myself by the expectations and judgements of others as though that qualifies me to speak in an "unbiased" way about my experiences (as if any amount of achievement prevents my dismissal). (7/n)

Even (maybe, especially) if I wasn't prepared for grad school, the treatment I received from my peers during my grad years would have been wrong, actively harmful, and a big stumbling block along my math journey. (8/n)

I shouldn't be more entitled to speak up about the negative experiences I've had in math just b/c I am "successful". If anything, my success speaks to the privileges I carry that have helped smoothed the path for me (being able bodied, light skinned, citizenship, etc.). (9/n)

I'm sorry for the ways I contribute to a narrative that privileges the voices of "successful" people when criticizing the math community. This is an attitude I'm actively working to root out within myself. (10/n)

Black, brown, and/or Indigenous women should not need to hold themselves to impossible standards of absolute "excellence" in order to be seen and heard when they advocate for themselves and their humanity in the math community (or any other space). (11/11)