Incoming long, TMI twitter thread about my mental health: I was seeing a psychiatrist for maybe 2.5 years and we were “experimenting” with medications for my issues (depression/anxiety to put it simply). We landed on Lamictal which is commonly used to treat BPD. It was working...

But I was not “diagnosed” with BPD, as a matter of fact she wasn’t sure if I was BPD or ADHD but didn’t want to give me ADHD meds because of my tendency for panic attacks. Eventually I needed a higher dose of lamictal because of my tolerance but it caused severe breakouts, so /2

We shifted to a new medication that made me feel awful and so, after 2.5 years, she suggested going off all meds to see if my condition was circumstantial. Long story short I spiraled to as dark a place as I’ve been, exacerbated by a breakup. Eventually, and I still don’t /3

Quite know how, through help and love from a few friends, my mom, and books (shouts Eckhart Tolle) I found a beautiful rhythm to life I hadn’t had since before puberty. I kept evolving, became secularly spiritual, adopted stoicism, supplemented by other philosophies /4

Part of this new lifestyle was journaling. Journaling has made me an expert of myself, like I’ve never been. I’ve always considered myself extremely self-aware, and I was, but nothing compared to now. One of many many observations I’ve made is that i still very much have BPD /5

Tendencies at least and it’s still hard to know if it’s that or ADHD cuz they have similar symptoms and I match both perfectly. I sort of want a conclusive diagnosis so I can put it to rest. But the inspiration for this thread is due to my recent uptick in waking up with racing/6

Thoughts. Like racing thoughts that make you want to vomit or shoot yourself (pls don’t worry, this is just an honest articulation of feeling and not a real danger, I never would). I wake up and write books in my brain about random people and things in my life. And can’t /7

Shut off. So I listen to asmr, breathe deeply, try to be present, feel the weight of my body, but sometimes it doesn’t work and I lie awake for hours like right now. It makes me want to sob but I can’t. Anyway, I guess this was a way to clear my head and a reminder that I /8