Okay so I’m going to summarize my hell.
Hi, I’m Apollo, I’m a trans dude (he/him)
I’m 4 years on testosterone, I had a radical hysterectomy 2 years ago in August. Removal of uterus/ovaries/cervix because 1. Trans. 2. Huge cancer risk because of BRCA1 gene.

I have a huge fear of prolapses. So, I do kegel excercises frequently. Kegel balls are used to strengthen the pelvic floor to prevent inconvenience and prolapse.
Earlier this week, I purchased the Titanica Steel “Orgasm” balls. They’re just heavy, “kind of large” kegel balls.

I’ve been doing pelvic strength training for about 3 years now. I took a 6 month break post-history while recovering obviously.
So, I’m no stranger to Kegel balls. I have tons from, LELO, Explorotica, NSNovelties. I’ve worked at a sex shop for 4 1/2 years, I know all the ropes.

Most of these kegel balls are between like, 35-115g. These monsters are 350g a piece. The issue is, it’s harder to go heavier w/o going bigger, and hard to find heavier kegel balls anyways. I wanted to give these a shot because kegel kettles require time to stand Coochie out.

I usually don’t need corded kegel balls, because I’ve been described as having “Gorilla grip/flex seal grip.” This may have been my undoing. I can just plop em out. A couple days ago, I got these balls stuck.
And I mean STUCK. Icarus flew too close to the sun. This is my hubris.

Vaginally. I’m going to tell you now, do not put anything without a base in your butt. The thing is, these are designed to be used vaginally. It’s labeled for it. I put a neat little latex condom around it because it only had a warning for steel possibly being an irritant.

Slipped in easy. Not painful. Kind of weird. Went about my day, went on a walk. Kept it in about 5 hours before saying, “yeah, I’m done with this for today.”
Tried to get it out. Didn’t work.
Warm bath, didn’t work.
Dilating with another sex toy. Didn’t work.

Pulling on the condom. Didn’t work.
Using a boiled silicone phone suction cup. Didn’t work.
Practically end up shoving my whole hand in there.
Squatting, birthing excercises, a glade can wrapped in a condom roughly the same size to try to give a landing pad? No dice.

So, again, I work in the sex industry. Nothing is a surprise anymore. I’m not panicked, not really embarrassed. I know this happens all the time, and kegel balls are SUPPOSED to be up there. It’s not a mason jar or a lightbulb or anything. 20 hours later, I post on facebook...

For family and friends to see. I’m shameless. They knew what they signed up for. Looking for advice, and I’m given a couple options. My normal clinic. I call, they say they don’t do that. Okay. The local midwife center. Not my first choice, but I DO go.

Let me tell you. I called, they said they can fit me in as a walk-in tomorrow. But upon describing the ball, they realize that maybe everyone has severely underestimated how big 2” and 350 grams is. Every place I called and person I saw definitely doubted it.

They told me they can fit me in today. I head in at 5pm. I’m there until ~8:30.
Plastic Speculum, taken apart speculum, two hands, steel speculum, forceps, autoclaved SOUP SPOONS. No dice. They have me on nitrous because it’s a miserable 3 1/2 hours. They can’t get around it.

They tell me my options after this. They say this is literally worse than childbirth, because babies at least have soft spots on their heads for shit like this.
My normal doctor hits me up on facebook as they’re going over my options. Doctor has a telescopic magnet wand.

My pelvis has has ENOUGH. She tells me to come in tomorrow. This magnetic wand can easily pull and carry 20lbs. We tested it on the second ball that didn’t get put in me, thank whatever deities and gods there may be. My midwife drives me home. She knows my coochie hurts.

Her name is Jesse and I adore her. She was so apologetic about not being able to get it out as if it’s not my fault for putting it there. Bless Destiny, the front desk girl that got me in so desperately. I was too out of my brain to remember the other midwife’s name. :(

So, Jesse throws my bike on her bike rack and drives me home. There is NO way I’m biking with this thing in. It’s stuck IN my pelvis. It’s not just my coochie, it’s behind my pelvic wall. Everyone was freaking out because they forgot I have no cervix.

(I’m going to tell you folks: Things really usually can’t get past your cervix, even if you do have one and a uterus. Especially not a 2 inch steel ball. This is why you can’t “lose” tampons and such. You just gotta get up in there. It’s why IUDs are shaped like that.)

Anyways. Go to the clinic the next day. I end up having to tell like 7-10 people who all doubt how big this thing is while trying to get to my primary doctor. No, not here for labwork or a general physical.
Stirrups up. Coochie out. Wand at the ready.

Dr. Lane? She’s a magician. Harry Potter’s got nothing on her. Her and her assistant spend 2 hours shoving this wand in me, maneuvering, using tongue depressors, trying to pinball it out with forceps. I’m doing Richard Simmons excercises trying to get it out. He’d be proud.

I start bleeding. Almost black out. I can handle blood, I’ve had enough surgeries and I’ve been self-administering T for years. I can handle blood.
World goes black for a second, I can’t handle blood. They call the surgeon that was supposed to do my bottom surgery 2 years ago.

Dr. Lane DRIVES ME to the office. My surgeon has a hysto they’re in the middle of, but they’re willing to help.
I get two numbing shots 2 INCHES DEEP in my coochie. They use a vaccuum used to remove stuck babies. I black out. Ultrasound. do black out. I’m bleeding a lot.

I decide... okay. I can’t do this. I can’t keep going.
They’re going to cut it out. They call my dad, I call my roommate, and Dr. Lane drives me to the ER to be admitted straight to the OR, where Sheila (they/them) is waiting for me.

When I go through the metal detector and the guard waves the wand over my coochie, and the steel ball inside of it, I just flat-out tell him what the deal is. I’m out of patience. “I have a steel ball 2” big in my coochie. That’s why I’m here.”
TO BE CONTINUED....

Jaw drops. Lane Laughs.
I go through the ER, OR, sign like 50 pages of paperwork, IV in. Summary of what’s about to happen. Dr. Lane talks to Sheila about the fact I just confidently told the guard about the ordeal. Everyone in OR prep laughs. I’m pretty funny in my misery.

I’m out for the count after an hour or so. Anaesthetic specialist apologizes for if it hurts but like.. I’ve been hurting a while boo, it’s okay. My veins are shit and I’m light headed because I didn’t eat or drink since getting this thing in because bc it hurt to.

I’m glad I didn’t try to eat, because that means they could cut it out immediately. They usually schedule surgeries super early in the morning because you’re supposed to not eat after the night before. So, in summary of while i was down and out:

Sheila stuck forceps in. Wiggled it. My goddamn coochie muscles are made of platinum because they couldn’t move it at all. Couldn’t get under, past, or around it. They used a kiwi vacc used for delivery, but it was too big for the ball. Whole hand in, lots of maneuvering.

Used a speculum to pry me open, etc. etc. etc. Eventually... they got it. They would have had to essentially give me a c-section and cut a 2 inch hole in my guts, maybe re-open where my cervix removal was and do laparoscopic.

Everyone in the OR cheered when it came out, apparently. Sheila started jumping around excitedly. There was never more relief in a room that I was in. At least 6 or 7 people got to feel the relief of that thing not being inside of me anymore.

I have a 1cm deep, 1 long laceration inside now. I also have a cut on the opposite site, a bunch of abrasions on the insides and against where my cervix used to be. They said that it was possible it might’ve gone through my old scar tissue and escaped into my pelvis.

But it didn’tttttt!!! Good for me. They said I’m totally stretched out now which, ouch. I’m probably now going to permanently top because there is NO way I’m putting anything in my coochie ever again. Anyways, it’s out and i’m getting started on antibiotics.

I probably have a UTI, Bacterial vaginosis, and a plethora of other issues now. They started me on Premarin (topical estrogen) to try to prevent fistula formation. I’m still bleeding a lot, and I have 7 stitches. I love my cat but she keeps trying to knead my stomach.

Anyways, I LOVE Sheila. They drove me home, met my cat, waited for my friend to get here to look after my overnight (since I didn’t want to wait 24 hours in post-op.) They also bought pineapple/mushroom pizza for them as thanks for looking after me.

And now I’m home and hurting but at least this ordeal is over. ANYWAYS. Fuck that sex toy company. I’ll be submitting a complaint and putting reviews just about everywhere after this. I’ll drop a Gofundme once I get the medical bill, but I’ll probably have to declare bankruptcy.

So, if you ever have this problem, which I *REALLY* hope you do not. Uh.. here’s how to go about fixing it. If you want to RT because this is educational and kind of hilarious, feel free. But if you ever get anything stuck inside of you, this is the whole procedure.

Hopefully you don’t have to get it cut out of you. I’ll be posting updates following, but the midwives wanted to give me a baby blanket and hat, and take a picture of them swaddling it once it was out. Give me name suggestions. I’ll probably put these bastards on a wall plaque.