I RT'd a comic about loss of identity and found that it resonated with me and kind of wanted to ramble a bit as to the why. PLEASE read the whole thread before commenting.

I've been gradually withdrawing from much of the projects that LRR produces, with a mind toward cultivating my own content and following. At least, that was my plan before Covid. Truth be told, I've gotten blindsided trying to carefully ease myself from one boat to the next.

It doesn't feel correct to go back to doing more content for the site, because that's "backwards" from where I wanted to go - and even if I wanted to, quarantine protocol has kept us all out of the office.

Pre-covid, I had the option becoming salaried over being a contractor, but the site simply cannot make that offer with things being as they are. Less work there means less money, less time among friends, less exposure to the fans. And those were consequences I chose on purpose.

So I ought to have plenty of time to be cranking out stuff and really pushing my own brand, right? Wrong. I'm trapped inside like everyone else. My energy has been sucked completely dry. I spend half the days drowsy or asleep. I'm making things but it's just treading water.

So basically I've ended up with the worst of both worlds. I'm down money, I'm down social engagement, I'm out of view and touch with the community, I'm out of practice even being a comedian. What made me useful to the site has atrophied, and been replaced with... Well, nothing.

I've got loads of "time" that's virtually worthless because the fatigue and boredom and despair of stewing in this same room for so many months as summertime whizzes past renders all those hours non-useable for honing skills, research, networking, etc.

I've got enough to keep putting one foot in front of another and that's it.

Anyway, that brings us back to how I started this thread which is loss of identity. I don't feel like myself anymore, or that I've returned to an amorphous default state.

There's vestiges of who I was, and who I'd meant to be - but I'm like a classless npc not specced toward anything in particular. Being Alex is a practiced skill and every day I can't put in reps I lose value.

And as if all of this wasn't hard enough, it's affecting everyone on earth - which includes my support network. They are too busy and stressed out treading water themselves. Everyone is on edge, pushing one another under as we thrash to keep from drowning.

I've kept quiet about this for such a long time because I didn't see any point to sharing my own struggle since it's more or less identical to everyone else's. Maybe I figured my contribution would be to not make things worse with my share of woes.

But, I'm human. And I'm tired. And I'm tired hearing how tired people are of hearing how tired people are. I'm so full of pent-up frustration and anger and impotence that I could just scream or weep under the strain. And it is not going to stop for many more months or years.

I don't actually know what I want out of this. Commiserations are kind of implicit, and I never care for platitudes. Maybe I just needed to say it and have it be heard. Thanks for listening.

It sucks. It all sucks. But everyone KNOWs it sucks, so what good does saying that do? We have to do something, but we can't. The smart ones continue to endure isolation while the idiots prolong everyone's suffering with their unbearable stupidity.

It's shameful and wicked of me to think, but in my low points I wish they would suffocate and perish, freeing us from the burden of their foolishness. If only the sickness were so precise or just.

There's other stuff. Personal stuff. Things I'm not quite yet ready to discuss publicly despite how much it weighs on me.