So I am now strongly advising against people making public apology posts when they do something racist. Not that I don’t think that people need to apologize publicly, but because I am not seeing them being handled well and it’s an opportunity for more hurt and harm to be done.

I’m speaking specifically on the dynamics of racism here, though what I said may be applied to other situations.

Here are the dynamics that I find problematic:

1) These public apologies are often performative. They are a way to get the heat off and often don’t come out of personal reflection and a desire to do better.

2) The person apologizes and their friends/family/followers jump into the comments to tell them that they did nothing wrong and don’t need to apologize...

...unless the person who did wrong is willing to publicly stand behind the apology (and they frequently do not) it becomes a battle of public opinion. Especially if the offending post has been dirty deleted (which it OFTEN is)...

This, coupled with the first issue, creates perfect soil for fragility to be nurtured.

3) These apologies allow the offender to continue to litigate their case through the dynamics outlined above.

Unless the offender has a sense of their wrongdoing and remorse for it, the comment section become a place for them to play the victim. It becomes often about how the sensitive snowflakes claiming their latest victim instead of how they hurt people.

They like band heart react the comments that are favorable. They ignore the comments calling them to account. The people who were harmed see the dynamics play out and the apology rings hollow.

So if I’m telling you not to do public apologies what should you do instead?

1) Apologize WHERE you did the offense. If you did something wrong in a comment section make your apology to the people there. If you did wrong on your own post, apologize there. Don’t dirty delete. Don’t make a new post that centers your apology.

2) If you can’t apologize where you did the offense, apologize privately and ask the offender party/ies if they also desire a public apology for your actions. If they do, follow the advice below.

3) Give a QUALITY public apology. Name what you did & why it was wrong. If you can’t name exactly what you did or don’t understand, state what you’re doing to educate yourself. Tell people IN THE APOLOGY not to be in your inbox and comments sections telling you how great you are.

You might be cool but you also messed up and so this is about those that you hurt. Shut down people who talk badly about those who were hurt. Recenter the discussion on those who were hurt. Don’t tell on yourself by reacting to people who are defending you.

4) If you aren’t feeling an apology, if you still don’t see what you did wrong, don’t apologize. Performative apologies aren’t real apologies. It shuts people up, but it doesn’t help because you will be right back out here doing the same thing again.

There is a tiny chance that the people asking for the apology are manipulating you, being overly sensitive, and/or behaving in a toxic manner. It’s more likely that you did something racist and people are trying to hold you accountable because they expected better. Do better.