My experience in the Adventist church: (some thoughts and feelings I’ve been contemplating lately)

a thread.

For those who aren’t aware, I grew up Seventh-Day Adventist. I attended an Adventist school from preschool to 9th grade, and an Adventist college for 3 years. When I was 21, I made the decision to move to Portland with my best friend- one of the best choices of my life.

Growing up in the church is a very challenging experience to explain to people who haven’t experienced it. There are certain habits or rituals, like not watching tv or playing sports on Saturday. I didn’t eat bacon until I was 18. I didn’t drink alcohol until I was 19.

The church does something unlike so many other faiths, and that’s keeping things “within the church.” My whole life was intertwined. Everyone knew everyone. My best friend’s Mom had been my Mom’s RA in college. Summer camps, choir camps- student missions. Thousands of people.

there’s this overwhelming feeling, your whole life, that you’re being watched. Which you are. I would pray, constantly, that I was “good enough”. I remember crying at the age of 5 in bed because I was terrified of “the end times”.

I remember when I switched to a Christian school for my last 3 years of high school, they taught in Bible Class that Adventism was a cult.

Though a lot of it was awful, not all of it was- I LOVED attending camp in the summer. I LOVED worship, and signing. My internal monologue, for a long time, was just me talking to God. It wasn’t until I was in late high school that I started to question things.

It was my first time learning about Christian faiths outside of Adventism- and what I didn’t understand, was how for so long, I had hundreds of questions that I had never been allowed to ask.

Within Adventism, you’re taught an “us” vs. “them” mentality. “We” are right. “They” are wrong. “We” are going to heaven. “They” are going to hell. So much of Adventism isn’t only based on Ellen White (the prophet) but based on the shame you carry with you when you sin.

When I was 19, I lost my virginity- and overnight, everyone knew. I was mortified. I felt dirty and sick. The church had taught me that once I had sex, I was tainted. My future husband wouldn’t want me anymore.

Through the interconnectedness of the church, my own mother found out, sobbing the day before Christmas at what I had done, ashamed of her own daughter. The dean threatened to kick me out of University for causing trouble.

Obviously, it’s not just individual experiences, but the core beliefs as a whole. The Adventist church has a woman as a prophet, but still won’t let women be pastors. There’s no dancing, no real forgiveness, and a lot of dishonesty.

The Adventist church is based on image. Nearly every person I know spent YEARS lying to their parents, going to church hungover, not being able to ask questions.

Not being able to be gay, or trans, or nonbianary- all out of shame and fear that the thousands of people who know you will talk- that the entire infrastructure you’ve grown up in will decide they don’t love you anymore.

It’s not just “leaving a church”. It’s your entire identity, your expectations of what life is and who you’re supposed to be. And that’s terrifying.

I’m not saying every SDA is like this. I have MANY friends still fully involved in the church. My family. But I am saying I spent years of my life terrified and ashamed, and that if you have experienced any of these things or feelings as well, i love you and i understand.

It’s okay to distance yourself. It’s okay to ASK QUESTIONS. It’s okay to- gasp- not believe in anything. Though I still feel as though there is something larger than myself, I will never participate in traditional Christianity again.

There is no such thing as “unconditional love” when there are conditions.

It’s taken four YEARS for me to talk about these things, to process them, and to find love & community in new places. I’m not going to “stay in the church to make it better”, because I refuse to let my future children grow up in the same fear and shame I did.

I will not forgive an institution that has put so many people I love through hell, with the promise of heaven. If you’re questioning things, you’ll be okay. I promise.