This last year has been a lot of personal thinking and mulling over myself a bit, who I am, how I fit in with people in society.

I've come to realize that I'm a bit unique in the way I approach things. Most of the time that's good, but sometimes it's hard for me to relate.

I don't know if it's neurodivergence, or how distant I was from others growing up, my upbringing or just how things are. I simply have a hard time thinking like everyone else does.

In the process of this, I sometimes end up counter what other people expect or want.

I have my foibles. I tend to retreat when faced with social adversity. I can argue relentlessly when I'm not thinking about it. I tend to answer 'no' to change when presented with it suddenly.

When really, I need time to think, process and translate it into my own thinking.

It is in this process that I find most people don't ask, openly, what the other person thinks. It's not commonplace. There's little room for conversation, just accusations and position-seeking, and in that I am absolutely terrible. I get defensive and immobile.

In general, in my life, there are people who want me to be a rock. A pillar of strength they can tie their yoke to so to grant stability.

But I am not a rock. I am a river. I may seem permanent, but I am constantly moving, constantly changing and evolving.

I used to have this.. idea in my head that I look the same so long as you stare, but if you walk away and come back, I will not be the same as when you first glanced. I may look like I've not changed, but the water is new, and the current can shift.

It's the same river, but everything else is different.

If you expect me to be the same person I was 10, 20 years ago, then I question if you ever really got to know me at all.

And that's the course of it.