Read on Twitter
"Prehensile? Like they can move it a bit?"
No, y'all. Like they can use it to scratch hard to reach places if nobody else is around to help.
It's effectively Trunk 2: Electric Boogaloo.
(
Jan Sevcik, and the last one was from hlassers on Flickr)
No, y'all. Like they can use it to scratch hard to reach places if nobody else is around to help.
It's effectively Trunk 2: Electric Boogaloo.
(
Jan Sevcik, and the last one was from hlassers on Flickr)
All the fucking time I spent in the Furry fandom, all the fucking Animal dicks I learned about, how did that part never come up?
Dick as long as your leg, fucks you on its own? The RP writes itself!
Dick as long as your leg, fucks you on its own? The RP writes itself!
Also, they masturbate.
Sometimes by docking.
With themselves.
Sometimes by docking.
With themselves.
Let's move on to a truly weird one.
Some animals (most mammals) have a Baculum, a bone that keeps them able to... bone... without being fully erected first.
We went a different way, using a lot of blood and Hydraulics.
Alligators did the opposite.
They're permanently hard.
Some animals (most mammals) have a Baculum, a bone that keeps them able to... bone... without being fully erected first.
We went a different way, using a lot of blood and Hydraulics.
Alligators did the opposite.
They're permanently hard.
Their dicks are ~3" long, and made almost entirely of collagen. They're like... your ears, or nose, just hard tissue.
So instead of all of the fanciful ways that you could accordion out a longer organ,
They just
Spring load it
So instead of all of the fanciful ways that you could accordion out a longer organ,
They just
Spring load it
I love that there is a seven second video on youtube just titled "Alligator Penis Surprise," and it's exactly what it says on the tin.
A still for you, if you like:
http://livescience.com/27274-alligators-hide-pop-up-penises-internally.html
A still for you, if you like:
http://livescience.com/27274-alligators-hide-pop-up-penises-internally.html
It's on a hair trigger - you just push on an alligator's belly the right way, it'll pop out.
You stop pushing, it's got elastic bands at the base to reel that sucker back in.
It's effectively that log trap from Skyrim.
You stop pushing, it's got elastic bands at the base to reel that sucker back in.
It's effectively that log trap from Skyrim.
All I'm saying is that if @LluisAbadias wants his scaly bois to be accurate, they should have a button somewhere on their abs.
All I'm saying.
All I'm saying.
Keeping it with extant dinosaurs - Chickens!
They're delicious!
And they do freaky sex shit!
Remember how I mentioned before that most birds just have Cloacas? We're just going to refer to species that do that as "one-holers." A cloaca does everything, for all sexes.
They're delicious!
And they do freaky sex shit!
Remember how I mentioned before that most birds just have Cloacas? We're just going to refer to species that do that as "one-holers." A cloaca does everything, for all sexes.
So chickens pretty much just mate like this: The hen will Present, and then the male will get up there, they'll rub their roast beef sandwic- I mean, their one-holers- I mean, their "Vents" (yes that's what farmers call them) together,
And mayo is transferred, voila.
And mayo is transferred, voila.
Except.
If she doesn't want it?
She just shoots it back out.
The lower the status of the male, the more likely she is to just Marie Kondo that shit.
https://www.livescience.com/15828-chickens-eject-sperm.html#:~:text=Rather%20than%20fight%20off%20undesirable,low%2Dstatus%20roosters'%20sperm.&text=A%20new%20study%20has%20shown,deposits%20in%20her%20reproductive%20tract.
If she doesn't want it?
She just shoots it back out.
The lower the status of the male, the more likely she is to just Marie Kondo that shit.
https://www.livescience.com/15828-chickens-eject-sperm.html#:~:text=Rather%20than%20fight%20off%20undesirable,low%2Dstatus%20roosters'%20sperm.&text=A%20new%20study%20has%20shown,deposits%20in%20her%20reproductive%20tract.
Anyway here's the coolest part-
Hens don't have two ovaries. Because of a developmental quirk, they have one ovary, and one inactive gonad.
Which means if anything happens to the ovary,
They'll just
Revert
And turn into a rooster.
Hens don't have two ovaries. Because of a developmental quirk, they have one ovary, and one inactive gonad.
Which means if anything happens to the ovary,
They'll just
Revert
And turn into a rooster.
They'll gain mass, grow a comb and/or wattle, take their place in the pecking order, behave as roosters, and mount other hens.
They're sterile, since the gonad is still inactive, but otherwise... just roosters now.
They're sterile, since the gonad is still inactive, but otherwise... just roosters now.
Now, I've mentioned several different birds or reptiles in this thread - alligators with their pop-up-books, chickens with their sex transition and cloacas, ducks with their *gestures at everything*.
I'd like to briefly point something out about Science:
It's guessing.
I'd like to briefly point something out about Science:
It's guessing.
They're good guesses! I'm not calling out Science, but I *am* calling out people who learned science as a set of facts in school, and haven't kept up with it. People who don't understand the process.
People who are mad at the idea of dinosaurs having feathers.
Or Lips.
People who are mad at the idea of dinosaurs having feathers.
Or Lips.
Fossils don't leave good impressions of soft tissue - that tends to rot away first. We VERY, VERY RARELY get to know cool things about the color, or texture, or material of prehistoric animals' skin.
It's -awesome- when we do. https://twitter.com/NomeDaBarbarian/status/1235785548507353093
It's -awesome- when we do. https://twitter.com/NomeDaBarbarian/status/1235785548507353093
We know *even less* about how fat was distributed. We try, but it's NOT FUCKING EASY.
Case in point. These are the skulls of two animals that I've already mentioned in this thread.
Do you think you'd get an accurate picture of a) a Hippo, and b) an Elephant, from these?
Case in point. These are the skulls of two animals that I've already mentioned in this thread.
Do you think you'd get an accurate picture of a) a Hippo, and b) an Elephant, from these?
All of which is to say -
Any of the things I've described Birds (dinosaurs) or Reptiles (almost dinosaurs) doing in this thread?
It's entirely possible Dinosaurs did that too.
Spring-loaded ram dicks. Rocket-propelled corkscrews that fall off. Any of it.
Any of the things I've described Birds (dinosaurs) or Reptiles (almost dinosaurs) doing in this thread?
It's entirely possible Dinosaurs did that too.
Spring-loaded ram dicks. Rocket-propelled corkscrews that fall off. Any of it.
Science is a -process-. It's not a set of facts that you can memorize and be done with, but a way of interacting with the world.
It REQUIRES (but has not always had) a flexibility of thought, which allows you to throw out facts or theories that are proven faulty.
It REQUIRES (but has not always had) a flexibility of thought, which allows you to throw out facts or theories that are proven faulty.
My biggest pet peeve when it comes to science is people thinking they can just memorize it and be done.
You see it, all the time. ESPECIALLY from the "There are Two Genders!" people.
If Bio 101 taught you everything you needed to know, why would Bio 102 exist, jackass?
You see it, all the time. ESPECIALLY from the "There are Two Genders!" people.
If Bio 101 taught you everything you needed to know, why would Bio 102 exist, jackass?
I'm veering wildly off-topic, so I'll continue - but know who you're following, people. https://twitter.com/NomeDaBarbarian/status/1218728270515986432
Hey guess what did you know a lot of animals have open circulatory systems?
Like, once you get inside the skin, you're just in? Everything's just floating in the goo in there?
TURNS OUT THAT HAS SOME SEX IMPLICATIONS.
Like, once you get inside the skin, you're just in? Everything's just floating in the goo in there?
TURNS OUT THAT HAS SOME SEX IMPLICATIONS.
I want you to imagine that everyone had a penis, and that penis was also a sword.
Most men are with me already, given that this is one of the first .gifs for "Swordfight."
Most men are with me already, given that this is one of the first .gifs for "Swordfight."
Now, you see another person, and you decide, "I want babies with that person."
So you go up to them, and you swordfight each other
And whoever gets stuck first,
Is pregnant.
So you go up to them, and you swordfight each other
And whoever gets stuck first,
Is pregnant.
The loser has to raise the kid, the winner goes off and swordfights other people until THEY get stuck, and eventually we just have one winner and everyone else is pregnant.
It's like a DBZ Tournament arc, as written by the MPREG fandom.
(Sponsored by HeTap)
It's like a DBZ Tournament arc, as written by the MPREG fandom.
(Sponsored by HeTap)
Congratulations you're a flatworm.
That's how they do.
They sprout a PAIR of daggers, and then they spend all mating season fencing each other.
That's how they do.
They sprout a PAIR of daggers, and then they spend all mating season fencing each other.
They're not alone in this! Bedbugs do it too - despite having clearly defined sexes. The males have a dick like a hypodermic needle, which they use to crack open the female's chest.
And occasionally other males' chests, they're not picky.
And occasionally other males' chests, they're not picky.
The females previously kept their genitals where everyone else does, but over time, as the males developed this horrorshow, they've effectively grown a second set on their chest to serve as a target for the males and reduce infections.
When it's male on male, it's usually fatal.
When it's male on male, it's usually fatal.
Amphetamines are great, yo. https://twitter.com/Gregzilla01/status/1287238921454333953
Perhaps the most fun, though, is when we get to snails and slugs.
You see this?
It's called a "Love Dart."
You see this?
It's called a "Love Dart."
It's not full of sperm - that would be too easy.
It's full of chemicals,
That will make the other slug's body more RECEPTIVE to sperm.
Have you ever had to hit a boss a certain way to make it reveal its weak spot?
IT'S LIKE THAT, BUT FOR FUCKING
Pictured: A Romance Option?
It's full of chemicals,
That will make the other slug's body more RECEPTIVE to sperm.
Have you ever had to hit a boss a certain way to make it reveal its weak spot?
IT'S LIKE THAT, BUT FOR FUCKING
Pictured: A Romance Option?
But that doesn't hold a candle to the leopard slug.
That would be this good good boi here. Huge, slimy, breathe from their muffin tops, no discrete external organs, hermaphrodites.
They're not shit kinda cute, if you ask me.
That would be this good good boi here. Huge, slimy, breathe from their muffin tops, no discrete external organs, hermaphrodites.
They're not shit kinda cute, if you ask me.
I want you to give me your best guess as to what is happening in this picture.
Besides "Fuckin'." That part is obvious.
Besides "Fuckin'." That part is obvious.
I bet you that, unless you've studied slugs, you did not guess:
"I have to hang upside down on a rope made of my own mucus, so that my flourescent blue penis (which is as long as my body) can be pulled by gravity out of my head."
"Now someone else bring theirs to rub it on."
"I have to hang upside down on a rope made of my own mucus, so that my flourescent blue penis (which is as long as my body) can be pulled by gravity out of my head."
"Now someone else bring theirs to rub it on."
That blue organ is covered not just with their sperm, but their eggs - hermaphrodites, remember? - and they are both trying to expose of much of their stuff to the others'.
Y'all.
Fucking.
What?
Y'all.
Fucking.
What?
Like
What?
What?
Anyway, I want to get back to the world of the very large, because once you go insect sized and below, it's just /impossibly/ weird.
Before I do, though -
BEES!
Before I do, though -
BEES!
You all already know (probably) that most bees are female. The only males are drones, that exist to get the queen pregnant.
Well. If that's all they're good for, then they don't need to survive the process, right?
Right?
Riiiiiiight?
Well. If that's all they're good for, then they don't need to survive the process, right?
Right?
Riiiiiiight?
So what if - and hear me out
What if
An orgasm
But explosive
One that fired your dick and balls as hard as possible off of your body,
To plug up your partner, so no one else could have sex with her,
Killing you in the process?
What if
An orgasm
But explosive
One that fired your dick and balls as hard as possible off of your body,
To plug up your partner, so no one else could have sex with her,
Killing you in the process?
Unfortunately, the next dick ALSO has hooks on it, and he'll be trying his best to hook your plug and pull it out so HE can plug his explosion dick in there.
Bees, y'all.
Which brings us to another break for science.
It wasn't until the 1600s that we knew about queen bees.
Bees, y'all.
Which brings us to another break for science.
It wasn't until the 1600s that we knew about queen bees.
I say "we." I mean "Science." And by that I mean "Western Scientists."
Because literally everyone who kept bees knew that the big one in the middle laying eggs was female.
Because of course she is.
But it was instead called a "King Bee."
Thread: https://twitter.com/BugQuestions/status/954744388323770374
Because literally everyone who kept bees knew that the big one in the middle laying eggs was female.
Because of course she is.
But it was instead called a "King Bee."
Thread: https://twitter.com/BugQuestions/status/954744388323770374
See, that's the thing with science - it isn't impartial, because HUMANS aren't impartial. It has biases, and unless you examine them, you'll fuck up your data by filtering it through your unexamined biases.
This is a problem anywhere in Tech, too. Here's a small one:
This is a problem anywhere in Tech, too. Here's a small one:
You know those automatic soap dispensers in bathrooms?
They work on IR beams.
Which reflect differently on different shades of skin.
Which the programmers, initially, DID NOT TAKE INTO ACCOUNT.
Leading to a world in which black people couldn't wash their goddamn hands.
They work on IR beams.
Which reflect differently on different shades of skin.
Which the programmers, initially, DID NOT TAKE INTO ACCOUNT.
Leading to a world in which black people couldn't wash their goddamn hands.
That is why it's important to have diverse groups solving problems, why it's BETTER FOR EVERYONE to have as many viewpoints as possible involved.
Because, again, science isn't neutral. What you study, how you study it, & what conclusions you draw are influenced by YOUR bullshit.
Because, again, science isn't neutral. What you study, how you study it, & what conclusions you draw are influenced by YOUR bullshit.
It ALSO means, if you discount who's an authority in a science, you wind up wasting time and effort.
My training is in History. And y'all, History is fucked up about who it believes. https://twitter.com/NomeDaBarbarian/status/1281077436029927425
My training is in History. And y'all, History is fucked up about who it believes. https://twitter.com/NomeDaBarbarian/status/1281077436029927425
But that's not what you came for you came for dicks so fine you filthy animals I'll give you dicks.
All you gotta do is tell me which of these hyenas is female.
All you gotta do is tell me which of these hyenas is female.
Here's the answer - Fuck if I know! Whichever's bigger, but that's hard to tell at this angle. It might be the one lifting the leg, because males will sniff/nuzzle the female's groin to show submission, but who knows.
Because all spotted hyenas have dicks. Pictured: Female.
Because all spotted hyenas have dicks. Pictured: Female.
See, Hyenas are one of the few mammal species where non-consensual (see above RE: Animals, consent) sex isn't possible.
The female Hyena has what's called a Pseudophallus. Basically, it's a giant clitoris. The birth canal runs along it. It's a whole thing.
The female Hyena has what's called a Pseudophallus. Basically, it's a giant clitoris. The birth canal runs along it. It's a whole thing.
On the plus side, this means that if both parties aren't erect, sex *literally cannot happen*
That said, it also means that birth (already a traumatic enough process) has to happen like passing a football sized kidney stone.
Which.
Is.
Terrifying.
That said, it also means that birth (already a traumatic enough process) has to happen like passing a football sized kidney stone.
Which.
Is.
Terrifying.
I feel like I could just rapid fire these, at a certain point.
Kangaroos have three vaginas, and they can get pregnant WHILE pregnant.
Kangaroos have three vaginas, and they can get pregnant WHILE pregnant.
Red Velvet Mites build scultptures using their sperm as glue - if the lady likes it, she'll sit on it.
Gorillas have tiny dicks, because they're monogamous. Like literally an inch and a half long.
Humans are the best-hung primates, both in terms of ratio to body, and in just pure inches.
Humans are the best-hung primates, both in terms of ratio to body, and in just pure inches.
You know how crickets make music by rubbing the ridges on their legs?
Water boatmen do that, but with their dick.
Water boatmen do that, but with their dick.
Nature is fucking wild, y'all. And when we study it, with open eyes, we can see that.
I know this thread's about dicks but that's the heart of it - evolution is amazing, and the only thing it cares about is fitness to pass on your genes. It does crazy things to make that happen.
I know this thread's about dicks but that's the heart of it - evolution is amazing, and the only thing it cares about is fitness to pass on your genes. It does crazy things to make that happen.
There's a thousand examples I left out. I promise you, there is a biologist out there who REALLY WANTS TO TELL YOU about the inflatable knot at the base of canine dicks, or the way clownfish change sex.
B/c lemme tell you, Finding Nemo should have been a VERY DIFFERENT FILM.
B/c lemme tell you, Finding Nemo should have been a VERY DIFFERENT FILM.
For me though, I'm gonna call it a night.
Cheers.
Cheers.
PS so much of this thread was gross but that's why I lead with the grossest fucking words I have ever written, you knew what you were getting in to. https://twitter.com/NomeDaBarbarian/status/1287193838050713600
Feels like a good time to bring this up: https://twitter.com/NomeDaBarbarian/status/1276013785153589249
