You know how, in your foreign language classes, you would always flip through the dictionary to find the rude words?

This is going to be kinda like that but for biology.

You requested it, here it is. My name is Nome, and I'm here today to talk to you about weird animal fucking.
Just going to be talking about mechanics, not kink, so we won't be going over how much Giraffes and Porcupines are into watersports (SO much), or how some Squid have an entirely separate male sex that slides between a copulating pair to fuck under the radar.

Different thread.
Though, for real, that WILL be a thread, because, come on -

The "mock female" squid pretends, on the side of its body facing the male, to be female, and gets (ineffectually) mated with, while displaying male traits to her?

That's one way to steal your girl, just sayin.
Let's start with the obvious one:


For ducks, the battle of the sexes is an arms race, and it's terrifying. A lot of you already know that some ducks have horrifying corkscrewing rocket penises, I'm sure.

(Pictured: Anatomically Correct)
Did you know that, the more males there are in the group, the bigger it gets?

And it has spikes?

And it's rocket-propelled to force it down a twisting labyrinthe of dead-in passageways in a vagina WHICH CORKSCREWS THE OTHER DIRECTION?

No wonder Donald doesn't wear pants.
"How... how big?"

About half its body length, come down to it.

"Wait, I... aren't ducks birds? Don't birds have cloacas? Cloaca? Cloacum? Huh, I've never had to pluralize Cloaca before."

Yeah, me either, voice in my head! And you're right - ducks are one of the rare ones!
Most birds copulate with something called a cloacal kiss, which...

Hmm. What's the best way to describe this.

Imaginge you've got two roast beef sandwiches, and one has mayonnaise, and you're trying to rub them together to get mayo on both.

Then go take a shower, or something.
But Ducks are in this arms race, right?

So Males, I shit you not, grow a penis every mating season.

Like Deer antlers.

And because it's not useful the rest of the time, at the end of mating season, it'll wither and fall off.


Like Deer antlers.
And the best part - this is an absolute nightmare for me, by the way, as an ADHD dude with no love for schedules - is that they have to time it right.

You see... they're in charge of when they grow a penis. Also, how big it is when they do.

And it's got a shelf life.
You grow it too soon, it might wither and fall off before you have a chance to use it, and BAM, no mating season for you.

Too late, and you won't be up to snuff when you find a female.

I say "Find," instead of "Court," because... there's... not much consent.
Like, to the degree to which an animal can consent, duck ladies very much /do not/, and the workaround to that doesn't much bear repeating in polite conversation.

Ducks, y'all.
In the interest of science, I'll now show you what they're working with.

This is a Muskovy duck, and it's been slowed down TO ONE/TENTH SPEED so you can actually see it happening.
Now that was rough for the female, so lemme turn the tables a bit.

I want you to imagine that you are a human ovary-haver, and you were just going about your day, doing chores.

All the while, a human testes-haver was tracking you by your scent.

And was Lego Minifig size.
When he finally found you, he would open his mouth as wide as possible, and latch himself onto your belly, slowly fusing his flesh with yours. A voluntary tiny human centipede.

He'd then start to wither, leaving mostly just a scrotum and some blood vessels.
Then, you'd just -go about your fucking life-. You might accumulate eight, ten of these little fuckers, just hanging on. Like a lump.

Just... there. Waiting.

Congratulations, you're an Anglerfish.
The males are 1/60th the size of the females - for a ~5' tall woman, a ~1" tall lego man is almost perfectly to scale.

And what blows my mind is, even after all of this...

They're still fucking fish.

Copulation is external.

She releases her eggs, then triggers their release.
Like, you'd figure for this body horror bullshit to make sense, she'd be gaining some kind of internal process, or something, but NOPE.

We found this out the hard way, too, because the deep sea is fucking mysterious and terrifying. We couldn't find out why ALL OF THE ANGLERFISH WE COULD FIND WERE FEMALE.

And the answer is, because male anglerfish are in the running for smallest vertebrate.

Female, and male:

Staying in the deep sea, let's talk about... huh, now that I think about it, almost exactly the opposite.

Here is the Argonaut, or Paper Nautillus. Cute, right? As much as anything in the deep sea is cute.

That's its mouth and butthole, mid-frame.

(Photo: Fred Bavendam)
See, the Argonaut still has a size disparity - the female is about 8x the size of the male, and 600x the weight - but the male still has shit to do. No time to wait!

So instead of a penis, it has a hectocotylus.

Which is a fancy word,

For dismembered cock arm.

📸Reggie Casia
Here it is, in all its glory. The male will fill an arm with sperm, present it to the female, and then BREAK IT OFF OF THEIR BODY while it goes on to LODGE ITSELF IN A HOLE IN HER FUCKING HEAD.

its muscles still work


does its thing

on its own

my heart is full of very tiny screaming
Lemme veer off of this into a surprisingly full category:

Klingon Animals.

Which is to say, animals with two (or more) dicks.

(Watch discovery it's canon god I love star trek).
Let me just say the fact that a star trek page just retweeted that post is fucking golden.
Y'all may already know that snakes like to get freaky en masse.

As anyone who's done group sex involving dudes will tell you, the refractory period is a major time sink you've got to plan around.

Snakes account for this by having, I shit you not, alternating penises.
Dude's got a Hemi under the hood.

May I present: the Hemipenis.

I shit you not, I learned this in my Reptile/Amphibians Study Merit Badge in Scouting, and I was like 12 years old, and I think that's responsible for a lot in my psyche.

Oh also it has spikes.

📸Tess Thornton
Meanwhile, Sharks do a similar game, but for NO FUCKING REASON.

The male has two "Claspers" (circled). The claspers are extensions of the pelvic fins.

They just

Have two.

And only use one at a time while mating.

And just leave the other flopping around.
It really does look like it's just one of those things that evolution does weird. There's not much of a purpose for it, it's just there.
Anyway, then you've got Echidnas.

They're cute! Like long-nosed hedgehogs!

I mean sure, they're monotremes like Platypi, which means they're made from the spare parts bin of biology, but how weird could it be?
I really hope the Twitter crop is kind to this.

Here. See for yourself.
Brief, off-topic update:

What the actual fuck.
Anyway. Echidna, photographed here by Kristian Bell being adorable and NOT having its dick out, are built weird.

The females (like possums!) have double-barreled vaginas.

And the males, JUST TO MAKE SURE, double-barrel each side.


They do two at a time on one side, while the other side's heads are retracted.

Then they spackle,

Then they tag in their buddies.
Imagine, penis havers, if your dick had two heads, only one of which was erect at a time, and as soon as you arrived the one would deflate and the other would pop up.

Something like:
That is how the Echidna do.
Anyway, the Klingon club is surprisingly vast, because - I shit you not - they used to be legs.

In snakes and lizards, in utero, the penis forms from leg-bud tissue. Which makes them double like that.

In (most) mammals, it's instead Tail tissue. So 1.
Moving on - I got this platform talking about hippos, so let's go there for a hot second.

Fun fact. here's what you get if you google "Hippo penis."
Surprisingly, with all the other shit they've got going on, Hippos are pretty standard in the mammal dick department.

Where it really gets weird is the balls.
You see, beloved - Hippo testicles are migratory.
It is nearly impossible to castrate a hippo for captivity, because they are damn near immune to anesthetic, weigh several tons, are ornery as fuck, and their INTERNAL testicles are WANDERING AROUND INSIDE THEIR BODY.
This means that any attempt to neuter a hippo is:

A) On a hippo who is awake, and who
B) Would like to keep his balls, thank you, while
C) Those balls are moving around and hiding from you inside 1.5-5 tons of meat and tusk
D) Belonging to the most lethal large animal on Earth.
Oh also the procedure takes two hours.

Most of that is finding them.

On an animal which - I shit you not - has its babies use Nile Crocodiles as chew toys for teething.
You literally could not pay me enough.
Hippos are too heavy to swim properly - they're bulky as fuck, and they need to be able to walk on land too, so they do a lot of bouncing and bobbing (like me!). They mostly fuck in water (unlike me!), because getting all that mass moving on land is a whole production.
But what about animals that are heavy, and ARE on land?


What about


Have you ever heard a man joke about being a tripod?

📸Ed Young
You see, Elephants don't Hump, for the same reason they don't Run. The square/cube law.

In order for them to get as big as they are, their bones have to grow exponentially thick just to hold their weight.

Which means, they can't afford to fall. It'll break them.

The male will mount the female, in typical mammal fashion.

And then the penis, WHICH IS PREHENSILE, will do the rest of the work while both of them just stand there.

It'll line up the shot on its own, get thrusting, all of it, while they try not to strain their knees too much.
"Prehensile? Like they can move it a bit?"

No, y'all. Like they can use it to scratch hard to reach places if nobody else is around to help.

It's effectively Trunk 2: Electric Boogaloo.

(📸Jan Sevcik, and the last one was from hlassers on Flickr)
All the fucking time I spent in the Furry fandom, all the fucking Animal dicks I learned about, how did that part never come up?

Dick as long as your leg, fucks you on its own? The RP writes itself!
Also, they masturbate.

Sometimes by docking.

With themselves.
Let's move on to a truly weird one.

Some animals (most mammals) have a Baculum, a bone that keeps them able to... bone... without being fully erected first.

We went a different way, using a lot of blood and Hydraulics.

Alligators did the opposite.

They're permanently hard.
Their dicks are ~3" long, and made almost entirely of collagen. They're like... your ears, or nose, just hard tissue.

So instead of all of the fanciful ways that you could accordion out a longer organ,

They just

Spring load it
I love that there is a seven second video on youtube just titled "Alligator Penis Surprise," and it's exactly what it says on the tin.

A still for you, if you like:
It's on a hair trigger - you just push on an alligator's belly the right way, it'll pop out.

You stop pushing, it's got elastic bands at the base to reel that sucker back in.

It's effectively that log trap from Skyrim.
All I'm saying is that if @LluisAbadias wants his scaly bois to be accurate, they should have a button somewhere on their abs.

All I'm saying.
Keeping it with extant dinosaurs - Chickens!

They're delicious!

And they do freaky sex shit!

Remember how I mentioned before that most birds just have Cloacas? We're just going to refer to species that do that as "one-holers." A cloaca does everything, for all sexes.
So chickens pretty much just mate like this: The hen will Present, and then the male will get up there, they'll rub their roast beef sandwic- I mean, their one-holers- I mean, their "Vents" (yes that's what farmers call them) together,

And mayo is transferred, voila.
Anyway here's the coolest part-

Hens don't have two ovaries. Because of a developmental quirk, they have one ovary, and one inactive gonad.

Which means if anything happens to the ovary,

They'll just


And turn into a rooster.
They'll gain mass, grow a comb and/or wattle, take their place in the pecking order, behave as roosters, and mount other hens.

They're sterile, since the gonad is still inactive, but otherwise... just roosters now.
Now, I've mentioned several different birds or reptiles in this thread - alligators with their pop-up-books, chickens with their sex transition and cloacas, ducks with their *gestures at everything*.

I'd like to briefly point something out about Science:

It's guessing.
They're good guesses! I'm not calling out Science, but I *am* calling out people who learned science as a set of facts in school, and haven't kept up with it. People who don't understand the process.

People who are mad at the idea of dinosaurs having feathers.

Or Lips.
Fossils don't leave good impressions of soft tissue - that tends to rot away first. We VERY, VERY RARELY get to know cool things about the color, or texture, or material of prehistoric animals' skin.

It's -awesome- when we do.
We know *even less* about how fat was distributed. We try, but it's NOT FUCKING EASY.

Case in point. These are the skulls of two animals that I've already mentioned in this thread.

Do you think you'd get an accurate picture of a) a Hippo, and b) an Elephant, from these?
All of which is to say -

Any of the things I've described Birds (dinosaurs) or Reptiles (almost dinosaurs) doing in this thread?

It's entirely possible Dinosaurs did that too.

Spring-loaded ram dicks. Rocket-propelled corkscrews that fall off. Any of it.
Science is a -process-. It's not a set of facts that you can memorize and be done with, but a way of interacting with the world.

It REQUIRES (but has not always had) a flexibility of thought, which allows you to throw out facts or theories that are proven faulty.
My biggest pet peeve when it comes to science is people thinking they can just memorize it and be done.

You see it, all the time. ESPECIALLY from the "There are Two Genders!" people.

If Bio 101 taught you everything you needed to know, why would Bio 102 exist, jackass?
I'm veering wildly off-topic, so I'll continue - but know who you're following, people.
Hey guess what did you know a lot of animals have open circulatory systems?

Like, once you get inside the skin, you're just in? Everything's just floating in the goo in there?

I want you to imagine that everyone had a penis, and that penis was also a sword.

Most men are with me already, given that this is one of the first .gifs for "Swordfight."
Now, you see another person, and you decide, "I want babies with that person."

So you go up to them, and you swordfight each other

And whoever gets stuck first,

Is pregnant.
The loser has to raise the kid, the winner goes off and swordfights other people until THEY get stuck, and eventually we just have one winner and everyone else is pregnant.

It's like a DBZ Tournament arc, as written by the MPREG fandom.

(Sponsored by HeTap)
Congratulations you're a flatworm.

That's how they do.

They sprout a PAIR of daggers, and then they spend all mating season fencing each other.
They're not alone in this! Bedbugs do it too - despite having clearly defined sexes. The males have a dick like a hypodermic needle, which they use to crack open the female's chest.

And occasionally other males' chests, they're not picky.
The females previously kept their genitals where everyone else does, but over time, as the males developed this horrorshow, they've effectively grown a second set on their chest to serve as a target for the males and reduce infections.

When it's male on male, it's usually fatal.
Amphetamines are great, yo.
Perhaps the most fun, though, is when we get to snails and slugs.

You see this?

It's called a "Love Dart."
It's not full of sperm - that would be too easy.

It's full of chemicals,

That will make the other slug's body more RECEPTIVE to sperm.

Have you ever had to hit a boss a certain way to make it reveal its weak spot?


Pictured: A Romance Option?
But that doesn't hold a candle to the leopard slug.

That would be this good good boi here. Huge, slimy, breathe from their muffin tops, no discrete external organs, hermaphrodites.

They're not shit kinda cute, if you ask me.
I want you to give me your best guess as to what is happening in this picture.

Besides "Fuckin'." That part is obvious.
I bet you that, unless you've studied slugs, you did not guess:

"I have to hang upside down on a rope made of my own mucus, so that my flourescent blue penis (which is as long as my body) can be pulled by gravity out of my head."

"Now someone else bring theirs to rub it on."
That blue organ is covered not just with their sperm, but their eggs - hermaphrodites, remember? - and they are both trying to expose of much of their stuff to the others'.




Anyway, I want to get back to the world of the very large, because once you go insect sized and below, it's just /impossibly/ weird.

Before I do, though -

You all already know (probably) that most bees are female. The only males are drones, that exist to get the queen pregnant.

Well. If that's all they're good for, then they don't need to survive the process, right?


So what if - and hear me out

What if

An orgasm

But explosive

One that fired your dick and balls as hard as possible off of your body,

To plug up your partner, so no one else could have sex with her,

Killing you in the process?
Unfortunately, the next dick ALSO has hooks on it, and he'll be trying his best to hook your plug and pull it out so HE can plug his explosion dick in there.

Bees, y'all.

Which brings us to another break for science.

It wasn't until the 1600s that we knew about queen bees.
I say "we." I mean "Science." And by that I mean "Western Scientists."

Because literally everyone who kept bees knew that the big one in the middle laying eggs was female.

Because of course she is.

But it was instead called a "King Bee."

See, that's the thing with science - it isn't impartial, because HUMANS aren't impartial. It has biases, and unless you examine them, you'll fuck up your data by filtering it through your unexamined biases.

This is a problem anywhere in Tech, too. Here's a small one:
You know those automatic soap dispensers in bathrooms?

They work on IR beams.

Which reflect differently on different shades of skin.

Which the programmers, initially, DID NOT TAKE INTO ACCOUNT.

Leading to a world in which black people couldn't wash their goddamn hands.
That is why it's important to have diverse groups solving problems, why it's BETTER FOR EVERYONE to have as many viewpoints as possible involved.

Because, again, science isn't neutral. What you study, how you study it, & what conclusions you draw are influenced by YOUR bullshit.
It ALSO means, if you discount who's an authority in a science, you wind up wasting time and effort.

My training is in History. And y'all, History is fucked up about who it believes.
But that's not what you came for you came for dicks so fine you filthy animals I'll give you dicks.

All you gotta do is tell me which of these hyenas is female.
Here's the answer - Fuck if I know! Whichever's bigger, but that's hard to tell at this angle. It might be the one lifting the leg, because males will sniff/nuzzle the female's groin to show submission, but who knows.

Because all spotted hyenas have dicks. Pictured: Female.
See, Hyenas are one of the few mammal species where non-consensual (see above RE: Animals, consent) sex isn't possible.

The female Hyena has what's called a Pseudophallus. Basically, it's a giant clitoris. The birth canal runs along it. It's a whole thing.
On the plus side, this means that if both parties aren't erect, sex *literally cannot happen*

That said, it also means that birth (already a traumatic enough process) has to happen like passing a football sized kidney stone.



I feel like I could just rapid fire these, at a certain point.

Kangaroos have three vaginas, and they can get pregnant WHILE pregnant.
Red Velvet Mites build scultptures using their sperm as glue - if the lady likes it, she'll sit on it.
Gorillas have tiny dicks, because they're monogamous. Like literally an inch and a half long.

Humans are the best-hung primates, both in terms of ratio to body, and in just pure inches.
You know how crickets make music by rubbing the ridges on their legs?

Water boatmen do that, but with their dick.
Nature is fucking wild, y'all. And when we study it, with open eyes, we can see that.

I know this thread's about dicks but that's the heart of it - evolution is amazing, and the only thing it cares about is fitness to pass on your genes. It does crazy things to make that happen.
There's a thousand examples I left out. I promise you, there is a biologist out there who REALLY WANTS TO TELL YOU about the inflatable knot at the base of canine dicks, or the way clownfish change sex.

B/c lemme tell you, Finding Nemo should have been a VERY DIFFERENT FILM.
For me though, I'm gonna call it a night.

PS so much of this thread was gross but that's why I lead with the grossest fucking words I have ever written, you knew what you were getting in to.
Feels like a good time to bring this up:
Addendum! A few people have pointed out, re: duck antler dicks.

SOME ducks. Because why would anything in nature be clear cut and easy?

The Lesser Scaup and the Ruddy duck are the only two I can find for sure.

📸(appropriately) Dick Daniels, Connor Mah
Addendum 2: Tapirs!
Addendum 3: If you need something else to distract yourself from *waves at everything*, may I introduce you to your new state bird?
You can follow @NomeDaBarbarian.
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