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I would also love to talk about (not from an academic lens 
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="☹️" title="Stirnrunzelndes Gesicht" aria-label="Emoji: Stirnrunzelndes Gesicht">) how capitalism impacts the decisions that I make and the difficulties I create when I’m trying to protect my principles/dreams/desires from patriarchal surrendering.
(I’m still working out the word choice parts.)
(I’m still working out the word choice parts.)
These choices are never easy for me, and I don’t mean that I struggle w/“choice feminism” (fuck that shit). I mean, when I am intentional about standing my ground & protecting my dreams, I have to weigh the economic fallout of my decisions.
For example, my spouse accepted a big promotion pre-COVID. It reqs a move to NY. I had a choice: leave my job & what I just started rebuilding after stopping to move for his job in 2012 OR stay here. Most women would’ve chosen to leave. I (ultimately) put myself first & stayed.
Now, the expectation would’ve been for Chae to sacrifice AGAIN and move because by staying, I would:
• separate the kids from their dad
• create two separate households that strains finances
• allow for a (third time) long-distance marriage
• separate the kids from their dad
• create two separate households that strains finances
• allow for a (third time) long-distance marriage
Granted, I quit my job in 2012 to follow my husband around the world, but now is supposed to be MY time to rebuild what I lost when I left the workforce in my mid-20s to do “wife and mom.”
A reasonable request wouldn’t ask me to do it again in my mid-30s as I’m advancing.
A reasonable request wouldn’t ask me to do it again in my mid-30s as I’m advancing.
So now I’m 34, in a senior-level position, making a salary that most ppl are not, have a very clear path to advancement, and I am actually weighing the “damage” of me choosing me this time instead of putting everyone else first again.
I know what kind of financial privilege we have on paper as individuals & as a married couple. Still, my salary would’ve covered the TX-based household while his handled the NY-based household.
Potential economic stall or even fallout based on my decision.
Potential economic stall or even fallout based on my decision.
The kids only seeing their daddy every month or so weighed heavily on me. They’re both at an age where it would likely negatively impact them bc he is an actual involved father. There’s a potential for resentment bc “mom wouldn’t move.”
Now, the question is “why can’t he just not go,” and that’s valid. This city is not easy to find employment unless you know someone, and he’s at a very critical point in his career where he’s got to go into senior-level management. This job gives him that. It’s a good move.
My third dilemma was, “Do you want to go through ANOTHER long-distance period and do you think you’d survive it or end up divorced?” BIG question. Important question. One that I kind of reconciled as, “If I have to start over, I will.”
Still, I had to make a choice: stay or go.
Still, I had to make a choice: stay or go.
So given my 3 major concerns, I decided that I was not going to sacrifice me again. I’d given it 5 years, 3 continents, and 5 moves, and we had agreed that once we were back in the US, I would focus on advancing my career.
Cool. Then there was COVID...
Cool. Then there was COVID...
My career is in K-12 education. In fact, my actual role is Senior Director of Curriculum & Assessment (with IT Director as a temp need).
I am *the* person responsible for how our schools operate academically, especially through a pandemic and virtual instruction.
Essential.
I am *the* person responsible for how our schools operate academically, especially through a pandemic and virtual instruction.
Essential.
My kids are in two different districts, and at the time, had different start dates. So it’s wonderful that you chose you, Chae, but how the fuck do you plan to be a “single” mother w/two school-age kids when you’re design academic programs during a pandemic?
We have a great team, and our ED (who handles the schools’ implementation of the programming) is awesome. Still, I have to be at work and do pickup/drop off for two kids with different schedules AND all my other obligations.
I chose me but made WAY more work.
I chose me but made WAY more work.
This is where a good partner matters. He was working on a plan to have his mom come up every other week, potentially hiring PT caregiver to do pickup/drop off, etc.
When he realized how much COVID wasn’t going away, he decided (on his own) to turn the job down.
When he realized how much COVID wasn’t going away, he decided (on his own) to turn the job down.
He said it wasn’t fair to do this to me, and though we would’ve made it work pre-COVID, it was irresponsible of him to move forward. I told him he should be sure that’s what he wanted.
He turned it down, but they offered to let him be remote.
He turned it down, but they offered to let him be remote.
In the end, I felt good about my decision to stay. He still got to keep the job, and I still got to continue building what I’m doing here.
But, it was by no means an easy choice for me to reject the “comfort” of patriarchy in that way. I made waaaay more work for me by staying.
But, it was by no means an easy choice for me to reject the “comfort” of patriarchy in that way. I made waaaay more work for me by staying.
It’s not even comfort (hence the quotations) because I would’ve been miserable, angry, and resentful the entire time. Even still, I accepted that my kids might’ve blamed me for staying, my finances would’ve been in disarray, and I might’ve been divorced.
Long story but when I say I choose me, I want any woman reading that to know that a lot of shit comes with that choice, and the only reason it’s not even worse is bc I chose a partner who is not invested in patriarchy. It’s harder when you have to fight your spouse too.
I didn’t even mention enduring the snide or “innocuous” comments from ppl regarding why I stayed and how they could never do that or how I wouldn’t have been able to complain bc I made that decision.
No matter what, you will have to face it if you choose cishet marriage.
No matter what, you will have to face it if you choose cishet marriage.
I want you do you whatever you think is right for you, but I never want people to think I’m moving through life without being VERY honest with myself about the potential consequences of every (non-feminist or feminist) choice I make.
The praxis is very difficult.
The praxis is very difficult.
