Y'know.... I'm really not ready to talk to anyone about this yet but I'm just throwing this out into the universe that learning about how autism tends to affect women has me crying in the fucking club right now. So much of my life is clicking into place with this new information

Like literally everything from special interests to stimming to why my friendships tend to fall apart.... why I find it so hard to just talk to people and nuture non-romantic relationships.... my intense interest in psychology and learning about other people's behaviour.....

So many of my childhood experiences and feelings make sense. The way I was always 'the weird kid'. The way my mum always told me I was 'socially retarded' and my sister bullied me for being 'awkward' and how I could never understand why because the way I acted made sense to me...

How I turn my emotions inwards rather than outwards... Shutdowns rather than meltdowns...... How I barely ever ask for help with anything..... How I long for silent friendships..... How I deliberately live in the middle of the countryside where I don't have to deal with people...

The fact that I've lived my Entire Life behind a mask, desperately seeking advice from any and all sources...... The exhaustion and inability to do Anything after a full day of work or leisure..... Always eating the same food...... Planning EVERYTHING..... CRYING IN THE CLUB.....

I've been thinking I'm bipolar for a while but this actually makes way more sense to me. And it turns out a lot of women with autism get misdiagnosed as bipolar or having OCD or ADHD and I.... I think I really need to talk to a professional about this......

And now I'm like.... fuck. Because every source on autism in women also describes how it's *notoriously difficult* to get a diagnosis or to even talk to people about it, because you're probably so good at masking that no-one will take you seriously and now I'm terrified

Most women with autism don't get diagnosed until they're in their thirties.....

Anyway god I've been intensely researching this for a couple of weeks now and I really don't want to talk to any one person about it yet haha but that won't stop me from tweeting about it I guess...

Also if anyone has any useful videos on autism in women, please send them my way. here's my playlist so far: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYOeH-WKnTXbdqLlHwG4GkIWqHwo-SMF1

'Girls and Women and Autism: What’s the difference? - Sarah Hendrickx' fucking broke me lmao but in a good way I think?

Also I just wanna add I'm not sad about this, I'm actually SUPER relieved because it means I can finally understand myself a bit more idk. Crying in the club isn't sad crying, it's like, holy shit finally I can make sense of myself and I'm very overwhelmed but this is good

Wow oh my god thank you SO MUCH for all the kind messages and support here. I'm like.... Deeply Overwhelmed lmao but also very reassured and just grateful aa