My worst depression period was between (16-21) well, even before that but 13 yo are just sad okay?) and this period did a number on how much I valued myself, which I didn’t at all. I lived in an extremely toxic environment until I was 19 when I moved out.

During this period, I would sit in my room and isolate myself from everything. I only had one job throughout high school, and I quit after 9 months because I was having anxiety attacks everyday. I was spiraling. I didn’t want to be around anyone.

After I graduated high school, it only got worse. I isolated myself even more. I stopped hanging out with friends. I stopped contacting everyone. I stopped eating and sleeping. I honestly was just waiting to d*e.

And even before I graduated, I did not share the enthusiasm as my classmates about college. I didn’t think there was a point in going. I put in next to no effort to get into college. I ended up going to a community college (which is a totally great choice, btw)

And in my second semester (Spring 2018) I was in the very thick of depression. I had no motivation and no will to move forward. I decided one day that I just wasn’t going to go back. And I didn’t. I regret it every day.

I regret it because it caused me to believe I was absolutely worthless, more so than I did before if that were possible. My brain kept repeating to me over an over “you were never meant to be a person” and I think about that so much.

I’m still dealing with depression and anxiety today of course. And the pandemic has definitely made it harder. My thoughts are so loud and I honestly don’t know how to deal with them.

Even if no one reads this thread, I just wanted to get my thoughts out there because they have been corrupting my mind for years and years. I want to get better. I want to be better. And I’m really going to try this time.

I can be a person. I can be a person who is happy. I am allowed to have that for myself. And you’re allowed to have that too.