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no matter what i do i am ending the day with an extreme deep hatred for myself and a want for people to think more of me than they do, this is greedy, destructive and selfish however i simply wish that to at least one person on earth i could feel like a first priority, i don& #39;t-
-really know why this is such a deep burning thought in my mind but all my life feeling wanted and loved has never EVER come to me until recently, my parents my lovers everyone i knew for a time fucking abused the SHIT out of me, every single one of my highschool friends-
-laughed at my grand declaration that i had wanted to take my own life when i was like 15-16 bc they thought it was funny, they knew i was being serious, they just thought it was funny, i spent that night bleeding cold and alone in a room, one of them apologized for it ever-
-(shout out adam love you bud) no matter where i go i am either treated like nothing, or afraid that people will see me as nothing eventually, so just for fucking ONCE in my life i would like to really truly fucking feel like a top priority, even people who DO go to me every day-
-to talk to me my brain tricks me and tells me "oh they& #39;re doing this bc they pity you, they& #39;re doing this bc you& #39;re just a & #39;comfort friend& #39; an & #39;easy friend& #39;" but that shit doesn& #39;t even make sense i don& #39;t really know where i& #39;m going with this but if you see this thread please-
-for the sake of people& #39;s mental health if you think anyone might be struggling at all emphasize how much those people mean to you, how you might feel without them around because lord fucking knows i could god damn use that right now, i have had suicidal thoughts stuck-
-dominating my brain for the past month and i just don& #39;t know how i& #39;m going to get over any of this shit or get through any of these fucking challenges that i& #39;ve got set before me i& #39;m in a fucking nightmare hell world and even with everyone around me i feel like i& #39;m fucking alone
