Sugu Pavithra Domestic Abuse case caught my attention. I have read a lot and educate myself to understand the mentality and behavior of abusive men.

The survivors of abuse, their stories, have been my greatest educators, if only we could hear their voices much more.

[thread]

1) The woman knows from living with abusive man that there are no simple answers.

We can say “He’s mean.”

But she knows many ways in which he has been good to her. Yes, this is what makes her want to stay.

2) We say: “I would never let someone treat me that way.”

But she knows that the times when she puts her foot down the most firmly, he responds by becoming his angriest and most intimidating. When she stands up to him, he makes her pay for it, sooner or later.

3) We say: “Leave him.”

But she knows it won’t be that easy. He will promise to change. He’ll get friends and relatives to feel sorry for him and pressure her to give him another chance. He’ll get severely depressed, causing her to worry whether he’ll be all right.

4) And, depending on what style of abuser he is, she may know that he will become dangerous when she tries to leave him. She may even be concerned that he will try to take her children away from her, as some abusers do.

5) One of the obstacles to recognizing the mistreatment in relationship, is that most abusive men simply don’t seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship.

6) In most domestic abuse cases, your abusive partner doesn’t have a problem with his anger, he has a problem with your anger. One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him.

7) No matter how bad he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise & your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your angry, he control your throat and use your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are.

8) Abuser can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to control your anger, such as depression, nightmares, eating or sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.

9) Abuser want to think that their abusive actions spring from complicated issues or problems in their relationship. But the cause of abuse is actually quite simple and clear, it is the abuser's belief that they have a right to control their partner's actions and thoughts.

10) The abuser entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable expectations, so that the relationship revolves around his demands.

His attitude is, “You owe me.” For each contribution he gives, he wants his so-called "rights" in return.

11) He wants his partner to devote herself fully to catering to him, even if it means that her own needs, get neglected. You can pour all your energy into keeping your partner content, but if he has this mindset, he’ll never be satisfied for long.

12) And he will keep feeling that you are controlling him, because he doesn’t believe that you should set any limits on his conduct or insist that he meet his responsibilities.

13) Abuser often says, “ I lose control of myself sometimes”

But the truth is, "Your problem is not that you lose control of yourself, but you take control of your partner. In order to change, you don’t need to gain control over yourself, you need to let go of control of her.”

14) I understand how uncomfortable of talking with people about the your abuse relationship. You may feel ashamed of having a partner who behaves in unkind or bullying ways, and you may fear that people will be critical of you for not leaving him right away.

15) Or your feel that people around you are so fond of your partner and whether they will believe you when you describe how mean or abusive he can be. But, it is essential not to stay isolated with your distress or confusion about what is happening in your relationship.

16) Find someone whom you can trust, it might even be a person you have never considered opening up to before, and unburden yourself. This is probably the single most critical step you can take toward building a life that is free from control or abuse.

17) If your partner’s controlling behavior is chronic, you no doubt find yourself wondering how to please him or how to get him to change. As a result, you may find that you don’t get much time to think about yourself, except about what is wrong with you in his eyes.

18) An angry and controlling man can be like a vacuum cleaner that sucks up a woman’s mind and life, but there are ways to get your life back. The first step is to learn to identify what your partner is doing and why he does it.

19) When you have finished diving deeply into the abuser’s mind, wit is important to rise back to the surface and from then on try to stay out of the water as much as you can. It does not always mean that you should necessarily leave your partner.

20) But whether you stay or go, the critical decision you can make is to stop letting your partner distort the lens of your life, always forcing his way into the center of the picture. You deserve to have your life be about you. you are worth it.

21) And when you finally say "You are not worth it. I deserve better". Please ensure, this time,

you really mean it.

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