I’m like two minutes into National Treasure and a Freemason is dying on the steps of the White House

Three minutes: pyramids

SECRET VAULTS BENEATH THE TEMPLE OF SOLOMON???? For the love of dan brown

Lol the knights templar, LITERALLY a dan brown book

So we’re just glossing over how the ark of the covenant or whatever crossed the atlantic?

Not sure of da vinci code or book of mormon

Christopher plummer is directly arguing that the pyramid on the reverse of the great seal is **not a metapjor**

We’ve gone from 1974 to Hoth

But seriously why is this 80s band at the North Pole

Sunken ship under a glacier? Uhhhh think they’re more melting than freezing these days guys

Did he not expect to find dead people in a sunken ship?

It’s not a sunken drone i’m just saying

THE SHIP CAPTAIN FROZE TO DEATH WITH HIS HAT ON

Using blood as stamp ink. Very cool and very necessary

This exposition is just free association

Oh wait that dude in the hat is Sean Bean? Try not to die Sean Bean

presumably by just saying a sequence of arbitrary words over West Wing music b-roll until he reached that conclusion https://twitter.com/lia_rocchino/status/1286873167282286597?s=21

Has it occurred to these Dan Brown genius writers that there were multiple copies of the Declaration of Independence

“It’s not about the money it’s about pwning the historians. Also I’m a criminal mastermind.” -Sean bean

Nothing says patriotism in american cinema like a guy holding a firework threatening to blow up himself and a bunch of other dudes, one of whom is evil and named Shaw.

Isn’t this a little early in the movie for checkov’s explosion to cause archer-style random direction gunfire

I can’t believe they blew up that building that was clearly made of cardboard and not even nailed down

Look you shouldn’t call the cops lightly but maybe before you do another 1 hour and 49 minutes of crazy shenanigans to stop a burglary at the national archives, you should remember that it’s literally across the street from the justice department

Ok fine they tried the fbi. You win this round, Dan brown

I’m at the historic moment in American cinema that I assume is commonly known as the “there’s a map on the back of the Declaration of Independence but it’s invisible scene” and honestly how did snakes on a plane get green lit after this

“I’m gonna steal it”, said the man standing inside the vault-like national archives building, out loud

Ah yes, the classic “paper blueprints at a fancy library” portion of the heist movie that came out the year facebook launched

I feel like the actual bulletproof glass protecting the declaration at the archives building is 3 inches thick rather than 1, but why do I know that?

Have I mentioned they’re doing the powerpoint scene from ocean’s 11 at the library of congress

They’re starting to talk about the preservation room at archives and I don’t know where this is going yet but I have been in that room in real life so strap in

I’m sorry did someone just take the DC metro in a movie? They can do that?

Lol no he just went into a tunnel

Director: Nick it’s 2004 we need you to pretend to use google

Cage: screw you I demand brown folders

He can’t google but he can MS Paint?

The seemingly irrelevant budding romance with the pretty academic whose specialty is very specifically on point might somehow be the most Dan brown thing about this movie

Why is the dc met gala happening at archives? Haven’t these people heard of the White House correspondents dinner oh wait it’s 2004

REALLY not buying blonde Sean bean

This dialogue is incredible

You can tell it’s act 2 because of all the krazy glue and blowtorches

Lol “valley forge” is the password sure why not

The real preservation room is well lit

BULLETPROOF GLASS CAN ONLY TAKE SO MANY BULLETS

Oh sure you just put the Declaration of Independence in one of those office building disposable umbrella bags but sure, you’re the good guy

The music takes this movie so much more seriously than the writers do

Professor what’s her face is risking her life to protect what, for all she knows, is a poster

IT WAS A POSTER

I’m sorry condescending boomer cop who looks like the campaign manager from the west wing is wearing a denim shirt under his suit and nobody’s taking the bait?

OK so the movie just acknowledged there are multiple copies of the declaration but… Do they all have the map on the back?

“She really can’t shut her mouth can she” wow 2004 maybe rethink that

Misty won’t leave ash alone until he gives her back her bike

“Gentlemen...why is this word capitalized?”

SiLeNcE dOgOoD

They haven’t gone to the liberty bell yet but that feels inevitable

Wait so the map WASN’T on the back of the declaration?

Now i get why snakes on a plane happened

(There were, in fact, snakes on the plane)

That was a LOT of windup for being aware of daylighr savings

They did the thing https://twitter.com/douglindner/status/1286894910130585602?s=21

I’m sorry is he carving a brick wall with a pocketknife right now

“It’s just that...the last time this was here...it was being signed”

So the treasure is totally buried under the washington monument right?

Like in the dan brown book?

I haven’t forgotten that the treasure is ***SOMETHING LIKE BUT NOT NECESSARILY THE ARK OF THE COVENANT*** and i better see some raiders-style face melting before this is over. Sorry Sean Bean I’m not the one who put you in that villain wig

Every pair of bad guys must have at least one leather jacket I don’t make the rules

Sure a daytime graveyard battle why not

You’d think business casual villain Sean Bean would have a cooler way of stealing the MacGuffin than waiting for supporting characters to play in traffic

Just realised the villain is British because this is a movie about the declaration of independence, sigh

lol the uss intrepid sure why not. What are we 5 minutes from the statue of liberty, 15 from mount rushmore?

Update: statue of liberty

https://twitter.com/horse_ebooks/status/218439593240956928?s=21

Are they going to trinity church right now

Literally just hop on a tour bus

Looks like the next stop on the scavenger hunt will involve digging up Alexander Hamilton’s grave so that’s something

Or a different, more obscure tomb, that works too

That kiss should’ve been WAY more awkward than it appeared

Guys I’m pretty sure a massive tunnel under trinity church would be the subway

Ok Shaw is dead but more importantly how deep is this staircase

More like InDADana Jones

“[gun] Don’t speak again”
“Okay”

LOL PAUL REVERE

“There’s another way out. Through the treasure room”

“Someone else got here first” OK but was it Lincoln or Kennedy?

“ OK, then we just keep looking for it,“ said the man who recently regretted spending 20 years of his life looking for it, warmly

SCROLLS FROM THE LIBRARY AT ALEXANDRIA

So the treasure is actually just a bunch of stuff that belongs in a museum?

OK that time the kiss was appropriately awkward

Cliffhanger: a romantic new scavenger hunt?

OK, we’re done here. Hope you folks enjoyed this as much as I did, which is to say: some!

Also realize the time. I’ll check menchies in the morning. And will try to do the sequel at a reasonable hour