Dear lay people- it is not your job to spiritually or emotionally care for your pastor.

They have legitimate, human needs that do need met, but it is their job to go meet them elsewhere: outside friends, therapists, spiritual directors, etc.

Your pastor loves you, is likely genuine and authentic with you, and has forms of emotional and spiritual intimacy with you, but it’s a different relationship than friendship.

It’s your pastor’s job to negotiate these boundaries, and it’s ok for you to just let them do so.

(This is all assuming you have a good, healthy pastor.)

There are ways that you can look out for your pastor that are appropriate for congregation members, and they involve the congregational part of the relationship.

For example: Please do pray for your pastor! We need it.

Let your pastor know what you need as their parishioner. We can’t read your mind. Tell us what we’ve done well, and gently tell us what we need to do better.

You can remind your pastor of the things you’ve heard them say they need to do for their own health. (Like get off Twitter, Lura!)

You can make sure your congregation is paying them fairly, and giving them continuing education time and money, and eventually sabbatical time. You can make sure your pastor takes vacation time, and days off.

You can help the congregation negotiate conflicts with your pastor in the healthiest ways possible. You can have your pastor’s back, when you agree with them. Speak up!

You might be one of the people who can help the pastor reflect on the congregation’s history, current dynamics, and future vision.

These are all healthy, good, loving, and appropriate ways to care for your pastor. (Maybe others can add more below.)

Other than that, just let us be your pastor. That’s what we really want.