I am proud to be out abt being #ND.
BUT there are still a helluva lot of days when I actually just hate my https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🧠" title="Gehirn" aria-label="Emoji: Gehirn"> & wish I was & #39;normal& #39; & a & #39;real adult& #39; whatever that even means...

Take today. I f*d up my sleep last night by hyperfocusing on a special interest research hole...

As a result today evthg is just way TOO MUCH. Other pple, noise,heat it& #39;s a sensory disaster.

I decide to go into a cafe & just the fact that other pple are there makg noise & may notice how sad/anxious I am. Is enough to get me into a self-critical headspin & into overwhelm...

I feel like I simply cannot handle anythg today (even of this is not tech true). & I still struggle with self-blame bc I could& #39;ve just gone to sleep earlier.

Even though abt 25yrs of struggling just to do this proves it& #39;s really not that easy.

I know this...

...& yet it feels there& #39;s a part of my brain which refuses to acknowledge how difficult it is to consistently maintain sleep hygiene, as an ND person with probable #delayedsleepphasesyndrome. Whilst also on #lockdown.

It nearly always ends up with me in tears cursing myself...

I hope one day this will get better that I will get sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

But also that I will stop having to tell myself off almost everytime.

I& #39;m not sure the inner critic will ever go away. But maybe I can keep trying to manage it better...

& stop trying to be someone I& #39;m not: This idealised disciplined & reasonable mature person https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😇" title="Lächelndes Gesicht mit Heiligenschein" aria-label="Emoji: Lächelndes Gesicht mit Heiligenschein">who sounds v annoying/boring actually when I examine it... #PerfectPatriciahttps://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🤔" title="Denkendes Gesicht" aria-label="Emoji: Denkendes Gesicht">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🤨" title="Gesicht mit hochgezogener Augenbraue" aria-label="Emoji: Gesicht mit hochgezogener Augenbraue">

So for me being ND is not a superpower- it& #39;s frustrating, upsetting, heartbreaking, complicated, messy

But being #ND does shape my life in ways which are unpredictable, intense & not often boring...

I have to entertain myself & others in order to basically feel alive. This is both exhausting & exhilarating...(did I really have to look up books abt the cello at 3am...https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🙄" title="Gesicht mit rollenden Augen" aria-label="Emoji: Gesicht mit rollenden Augen">)...

I have a love/hate relationship to my ND https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🧠" title="Gehirn" aria-label="Emoji: Gehirn">.The cause of ongoing exhaustion & part of the reason I decide to do spontaneous silly dances & accents.https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="💃" title="Woman dancing" aria-label="Emoji: Woman dancing">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😳" title="Errötetes Gesicht" aria-label="Emoji: Errötetes Gesicht">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🤭" title="Gesicht mit Hand über dem Mund" aria-label="Emoji: Gesicht mit Hand über dem Mund">

Silliness is great, not being able to control my sleepg habits not so much.

Setting status to: & #39;It& #39;s complicated& #39;.https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🤷🏾‍♂️" title="Achselzuckender Mann (durchschnittlich dunkler Hautton)" aria-label="Emoji: Achselzuckender Mann (durchschnittlich dunkler Hautton)">