The mental health system is something I've been trying to navigate, to get proper treatment, for years. And years. And years. I am through with this patch-work bullshit of hoop jumping. You know what? After decades of this, I really would rather die than deal with this bullshit.

That is as honest as I can be. And it is honest.

I am so angry and dejected. There is no hope, which I don't believe in anyhow. "The system has failed you, Kristen, let's help you. Jump through this hoop, and this one, maybe we can stabilize you. Another hoop. We'll help you, but there are, er, hoops. Jump! Jump, asshole!"

"Do you feel unfailed yet? Jump higher, here comes a blockade!"

I will not check replies because I am a speeding train of anxiety, depression, all the other mental illnesses (OCD is raging), physical illness, a dog dying, shame, grief, despair and anger. I do not want to unleash this on anyone because I can't think rationally now.

And right now, welcome to my brain, I think of everyone as THE enemy, everything, every single thing around me is threatening, every thought ripping through my brain is painful, and I am holding a plastic sword.

Imagine living like this. Now stop and regard me as your cautionary tale in whatever way you need, and never become what I have. Ever. Okay? Okay.