CW: suicide

A little less than a month ago I checked myself into a mental health hospital because my suicidal ideations had become overwhelming and I felt unsafe. I am writing this because there shouldn't be a stigma around asking for help. Here is a thread of my experience.

2/ It was a Sunday and I was lying in bed having intrusive thoughts for at least 4-5 hours. These thoughts are common for me and are a part of living with depression and OCD. That particular morning the thoughts were especially strong and I felt this impending sense of doom, like

3/ I needed to run away. I purposefully don't own a gun or have other means to fulfill my ideations in my house so I wasn't in immediate danger. I also have my spouse who I communicate my thoughts and feelings with so they can help keep me safe. If you are in a similar situation

4/ as I am it is important to have a friend or loved one you feel safe telling these thoughts to. Even though I had these safe guards I still felt very unsafe. It's hard to describe, but it's like there is a disconnect between the logical part of your brain saying "things are

5/ fine, you aren't going to hurt yourself, you are alive" and another side that is irrational ideating on all of the negative, dark thoughts. After discussions with my spouse, I decided to check into a mental hospital.

6/ Through this experience I learned that mental hospitals where you get taken for suicide attempts or ideation are for stabilization only. Most do not have one-on-one therapy and much of what you will get out of it is the friends you make, group therapy activities, and post-care

7/ resources they provide. In my case they set up appointments with your psychiatrist and therapists and had a short call with a loved one for post-care instructions. I stayed there for a week (they decide when you can go) and was likely kept a few more days than what I needed

8/ because my health insurance is good so they wanted to get more money from me. The health care system in the US sucks. I am happy that I took the step to admit myself and I made friends while there. I didn’t gain anything groundbreaking from being there, but it did serve its

9/ purpose in making me feel safe while I used coping skills to try to help my thinking and took a break from work and social responsibilities. This may have been the first time since high school I was without both my laptop and cell phone for more than a day.

10/ If I’m being honest, I’d say I’m not doing great right now. I have had lingering, increased anxiety since leaving the hospital and have not been able to focus or get fully acclimated to working again. It is getting slowly better and I am still exploring ways to improve my

11/ mental health. If you are facing similar issues to mine please find a therapist (or psychologist) and psychiatrist. As low as I’m feeling right now, I logically can see that I would be in a much worse place if I hadn’t taken the steps to get therapy and medications.

12/ It needs to be okay for people to say they need help without worrying about a future employer looking at an old Tweet thread or Facebook message and thinking "I can’t hire them because they are crazy”. I understand that not everyone is in a position like I am where they can

13/ publicly say these things because of family or work fears and that is okay. You have 0 obligation to publicly talk about your mental health issues. Thank you to my friends who have cheered me on during this. It is immensely helpful.

14/ Thanks to people like @poojaranjan19, @JHancock, and @JBSchweitzer who have lightened my load during this time. Thanks to Aya, Vitalik, and those at the Ethereum Foundation who have supported me and really cared. Their support made the stress of losing my job go away.

15/15 Talking about these things can help. My DMs are open for anyone who wants to talk about their mental health. If you are suicidal and don’t feel safe talking to someone you know, here is a list of suicide hotlines you can use. https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines Stay safe everyone!