Since Storyscape and its queer romance options closed down, I have now gone to one of the other story-game apps and started deliberately sabotaging all of the hetero storylines to see what happens.

I am playing "Recipe of Love" on Journeys. One brother owns a restaurant in New York, the other is the Head Chef. They are twin Ken dolls.

I'm about halfway through and have rebuffed both of their advances in favour of partying with my best friend (to try and fall in love with her) and making nice with the cow at work sabotaging my career (to try and fall in love with her)

This is my Grandmother who taught me how to cook and offers sage advice occasionally on the phone. She is possibly hotter than me.

That's sage advice as in wisdom, not advice on how to use sage.

I don't take kindly to being accused of lying by Ken Doll #1

Oh, and I also live in Seinfeld's apartment block.

Final episode of Season 1, and Ken Doll 2 is going to sell the restaurant!

Given the choice, I speak to him the only way Rich White Men understand: WITH LOGIC.

I am then asked to pay for a one-off uniform change. I politely refuse.

Ken Doll 1 would be devastated and probably have his relationship with his brother destroyed if his restaurant was sold and someone kept it secret from him.

IF SOMEONE KEPT IT SECRET FROM HIM.

Despite my best attempts, Ken Doll 1 finds out anyway. You then get to choose his reaction to his brother in front of the diners. I do not know what the difference is actually going to be here.

Turns out 'Hurt' is: 'Go off for sulk' rather than what I hoped, which was: 'Break down in tears in public and claw ineffectively at your brother'

Anyway, you end up in the alley with Ken Doll 1 and have to pay to smooch him. I'm a career girl though, so opt to go back to the kitchen.

And suddenly, a cliffhanger ending before I have the wits to snapshot it, Ken Doll 2 emerges with the result of the Haute Cuisine Jury's decision (another ongoing side-plot)...and cut to black.

It turns out Season 2 is immediately available. We lost.

Ken Doll 1 takes it out on Glasses Ken, his second-in-command chef.

I WONDER WHICH I WILL GO FOR

Ken Doll 1 is not in favour of his employees standing up for themselves.

Glasses Ken quits. Ken Doll 1 quits. Rival Jane smiles as she is now queen of the kitchen, despite the fact no one works there now and it's being sold.

Ken Doll 2 attempts emotions.

I attempt emotions.

Never before has my depression been a selectable choice in a romance-dating game.

I am once again asked to pay for pointless clothes. At no point do I think premium clothes have actually affected what people think of me.

No-context photo.

I have no idea what 'Smile Ironically' means, therefore I am compelled to choose it in the hope that Ken Doll 1 loses it and becomes The Joker.

Reader, I am sad to inform you that he does not.

No-context photo 2.

Ken Doll 1 returns cool as ice to tell us about his EVIL dad, because Rich White Guys can flip-flop emotionally and not get called out for it.

Ch. 2&3:

"Follow me to that one of a few EU countries with all the human rights abuses"

He also invites me to bonk him before he goes. I politely decline.

I'M THE GODDAMN STAR

EVIL (TM)

Ken Doll 2's ex-wife is supposed to be Evil too for luring him away from you, but I'm just happy for them and hope their second try works out.

Jane in charge of the kitchen has me doing things like buying ingredients. How dare she try to keep us stocked up on food!

Maybe this will turn into a dom/sub thing.

All of you ladies have been on a date with Glasses-Ken. You either did better, or it's why you're now a lesbian or asexual.

I get to make the choice for Emily to leave. One step closer to realising her pal is her gal.

Ken Doll 1 decides he's not going to Turkey after all. Turns out it's my fault. Godammit.

Back at his place (why?) We discuss recipes to save the restaurant.

He then proceeds to creep on me AND KISS ME WITHOUT WARNING.

No context required.

Apologies for screenshot-screenshot. Had to get these in quick succession.

I go to work, with Ken Doll 1, and now apparently I like kissing him!? After deliberately hurting his feelings and staying professionally distanced this whole time?

There is only one explanation and that is why he shall now be referred to as Hypno-Ken.

YOU HYPNOTISED ME.

For some reason, Emily tries again with Glasses-Ken.

I'm right here Emily, and going by the timeline of the game, I've not had any in at least six weeks.

Of course there is.

I politely decline. Jane fucks it up.

Provoke me into angry storeroom sapphism?

Now, I am not a professional restaurant owner.

Is this how it works in the real world? Places change their menu every month and attract attention?

Because if I went somewhere and had the best lasagne ever, then came back for it two weeks later and it was gone, I'd be annoyed.

Ken Doll 2 has been doin' a lotta bonkin' with his ex-wife.

He then goes weirdly meta on my quest to force a lesbian romance out of this seemingly hetero-only story.

Phrasing, Jane.

PHRASING.

So am I, ex-wife I forget the name of. You've at least eliminated one option and you seem to be doing alright.

Then some plot happens. I think Jane is still trying to screw me over rather than just screw me.

Oh, and some foreigners ordered every single item off the menu, which was this episode's big cliffhanger.

S2Ep4: I have no idea who this woman on the left is. What I do know is, she's the first person in 19 episodes, including background characters, to not be white.

All of a sudden, @kierongillen shows up.

I WAS JOKING.

Oh, boring games.

Meanwhile, back at the plot, we're all still convinced the trio of foreign people are judges and not just some really hungry people.

It turns out they are just a trio of very hungry people. One of whom's job is to be from France.

Sexually frustrated, but they don't need to know that. So let's go optimistic.

Aww hell no. You're not getting me like that, Hypno-Ken.

I'll go for "Not sexually assault her please, Bob"

For not forcing myself upon you.

S2Ep5&6: Hypno-Ken starts becoming Controlling-Ken and grilling you about talking to his brother.

Can anyone say overpossessive?

ESPECIALLY WITH HYPNOSIS!

You better believe I'm still mad with this fool.

And I don't like abusive boyfriends. Especially up in my grill.

I somehow have Evil Dad's address and meekly confront him, because I have to pay to stand up to him.

I just don't know.

"Are you a stalker, Glasses-Ken?"

Phrasing.

Apparently Evil Dad is also Thanos or something.

I further sabotage our fledgling relationship...

...whilst Jane watches on, subconsciously realising I will be free to run away and start up our own Bitchy Gay Kitchen.

Kieron Gillen returns and gives an unexpected blast of life advice.

COULD IT BE MY FRIEND WHO IS DATING HIM?

We blame Jane instead! Even if she does have past form, WHO COULD IT BE?

WHO?

The dolts finally work it out. Apparently this lot who make a new menu up every episode, now have no time to make a new menu.

MEANWHILE:

Where's my option for "Run away and start our sandwich firm SubGay"?

Come on...maybe SOME dirty games.

Because this silly game won't let me stop you, honey.

We go to a party to forget about men.

Now. Not only is @kierongillen there, he's talking to @leighalexander and I refuse to believe this is coincidence any more.

No context screenshot.

Apparently this is the REAL jury this time, and the only thing they want...is MY SOUP!

S2WhateverEpisode: I certainly hope they're eating, they're in a restaurant, unless the judges are just here again to use the bloody free Wi-Fi.

Don't doubt my souper-soup!

NO SOUP FOR YOU.

His eyes were upside-down.

WILL YOU PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT SOUP.

Free Cup-A-Soup for everyone!

I am asked to pay for clothes. I politely decline.

These questions in no way lead into each other, Hypno-Ken.

Copywriters, who needs 'em.

Where's my option to suggest a threesome where we end up conveniently forgetting about Hypno-Ken?

I keep trying Jane, but they keep forcing this damn heterosexuality on me.

Sadly, this is an elevator Hypno-Ken is stuck in, and not an industrial oven. The game asks me to pay to bonk in said elevator. I politely decline.

YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU WANT
BUT IT WON'T CHANGE MY MIND
I'LL STILL FEEL THE SAME
ABOUT YOU
Which is nothing at all
nothing at all
nothing at all
nothing at all

Stupid sexy Flanders.

Locked up, but not knocked up.

You could make it happier Emily, but it feels like a futile gesture at this point. Like adding salt to overboiled soup.

Toupee-Ken, who gave us a good review ages ago, drops so many hints he got the judges to come back because he's creeping on you, but we somehow miss them all like a blindfolded goalkeeper.

S2Ep8: No, *I* won the star with *my* soup.

...I'm pretty sure just a few episodes ago, you were one of them and about to leave the country.

I let the tension foster between the Ken Doll brothers, in the hope that maybe one of them will end up shanking the other with a ladle, or a particularly sharp carrot.

...TV people want to know about my soup. Because everything now revolves around soup. I have given up. The world is soup.

Winning my WHAT.

Please, TV Ken. Nobody watching cares about goddamn soup.

All this soup.

Hypno-Ken gives my soup-credit to the whole kitchen staff. Jane phrases it awkwardly. This entire episode is full of awkward Engrish.

The star's not the problem lady, it's my primo soup. You've got to either steal the ingredients or chop off my hands.

"I DVRed it and went through it one frame at a time just to be sure."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

No context picture.

Turns out Ken Doll 2 is the one who got the Jury back, not Toupee Ken.

And he did it to try and seduce you? Eww. Rich White Guy Logic right there.

Good. I'm glad you did, Ex-Wife. Ken Doll 2 is a sleazeball.

Maybe we can console each other over how badly he's treated each of us?

...Nude.

S2Ep9. Together: Yes. "Together": Aw, hell no.

"We were discussing the intricacies of minestrone soup!"

Also, I keep giving you completely non-mixed, go-away signals.

Here in this grubby back alley where nobody can see us!

Until I overcome his powers of hypnosis.

Soup talk. Apparently this is all we make now.

Also, I notice the nameless non-White kitchen character has vanished now that we're successful again.

Aye, by spitting in it and yelling "SCREW YOU, HYPNO-KEN!" with every serving.

Ex-Wife gets rightfully angry about finding reconciling husband sneaking off with another woman whom he fancies.

This is referred to in-game as her having a 'fit'. You also can only choose to *pretend* to be calm and caring.

I really AM playing a Rich White Guy!

In this kitchen-wide game of Blind Man's Bluff.

Please. Stop. Talking. About. The. Soup.

...but I'll take it if it finally starts a soupphic route.

Sapphic. Sapphic route.

Yes, I'm screenshotting every single instance soup gets mentioned. You must all suffer with me.

BASTARD HYPNO-KEN DID WHAT

No context screenshot.

We have an argument and I think I finally break free of Hypno-Ken's control.

The glass is for you, right? Because I'm having the rest of the bottle.

There's an investor, who could save the restaurant! For the first time, I use some of my credits to be a Boss Girl and talk with them.

Oh god, it's another Ken.

Especially if you like soup.

Especially when I started talking about the Gazpacho and Oxtail.

I mean, I'm dressed as a femme fatalé. It is obviously time for you to die, Hypno-Ken.

Damn, a witness.

S2Ep10.

Yes. And the trick was to poison both glasses.

I don't get mad. I GET EVEN.

"Which wine, the normal or the poison stuff?"

I've been trying to convince myself of this for the past week of playing this game. *Now* I get it.

Until you eventually do.

"Trust me, I know" - Kieron Gillen

Sigourney Weaver.

We all are.

I get pestered by Ken Doll 2 and politely decline to acknowledge his existence.

Yeah you do.

Jane, I will rescue you from hypnosis too!

WHAT OF IT, I'LL FOOKIN' HAVE YOUS TOO

Go on...

GO ON

Okay, you got me. GIRL, YOU GONNA TAKE ME TO A GAY BAR.

Especially with all the soup bowls we have.

...it's another bloody restaurant.

...with another bloody Ken Doll.

That counts as a job around these parts.

I GOT QUEERBAITED INTO TALKING ABOUT BLOODY SOUP AGAIN

Every single last bloody person by the feel of it.

"Are you yourself composed of soup?

Tell me about it.

No context screenshot.

IS MINE, AS MUCH AS I HATE IT.

Mostly in my...your soup.

You complete cockwomble!

THE SOUP IS MINE. ALL MINE. SOUPSOUPSOUPSOUP.

At last...

S2Ep11. I was surprised that I phoned.

All jokes aside, can we maaaaaybe not phrase the question in such an ambiguous manner?

"Always too busy being in the mood for dancing and romancing to think of others."

Also to grow physically to 50ft tall and eat people out of cars.

It's where they're celebrating 100% French employment.

It's a very hungry building!

Let it defrost and have Cream of Cream Soup.

Stupid sexy blackberries.

"You replaced their soup with that gazpacho. Now they're going to complain that it's not warm enough."

Probably because they stopped doing main meals and give everyone the starter.

I hope the game is not insinuating what I think it is.

I'll be honest, Hypno-Ken. I've made it deliberately more convoluted and it's still pretty easy to follow.

Hypno-Ken reads the script.

Hypno-Ken tries to call us, but we're super-focused on blackberries.

Emily takes her first step towards employment if the restaurant does close down.

No context screenshot.

You'd like it. It's like a soup, but with bits of fruit.

Where's the option for: "How the hell did you get in here anyway?"

I'm no professional. Heck, I'm not even an amateur.

But I'm pretty sure that's an omelette on the counter and not a fruit cocktail.

The obvious choice that isn't going to make me a laughing stock of the Ferrero Rochér Ambassador is also conveniently priced about 9-10 credits more than any other choice so far.

I'D BETTER BLOODY BE FOR WHAT THAT COST ME.

"...which is why I've planted a bomb, so that they stop asking me to review their new menus every three days."

EXCUSE ME

Only if I get to ask you why you couldn't come up with a better name for your publication.

"Including the swearing."

This was in response to Hypno-Ken asking her name. Thus we can only conclude her name is A Businesswoman.

You're a top chef, you cheapskate git! MAKE me lunch!

S2EpEleventy.

I don't actually remember him inviting you, Emily.

Phrasing.

Please keep on all your clothes

What a coincidence, I'm rebounding off two other Rich White Guys who like playing with emotions too.

Exhibit A: The entirety of this thread.

"Hey, you know Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson? I want a tattoo-style like his, but worse. And over both arms so I look like Jax from Mortal Kombat, but white."