So until two days ago I had never seen a Disney Channel Original Movie. I've set out to see all of them and will share my thoughts in this thread over the coming months

1. Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century

Rating: 5/5
Best performance: Gregory Smith as Greg
Biggest surprise: How catchy "Zoom Zoom Zoom" is
Most dated aspect: Seemingly semi-hand-drawn animation of the space station
Wildest moment: Zenon almost Sandra-Bullock-in-Gravity-ing herself

2. Smart House

Rating: 3.5/5
Best performance: Katy Sagal as Pat
Biggest surprise: How long it took for Katy Sagal to appear Most dated aspect: Blur effect on sudden movements
Wildest moments: Pat creating Ray Bradbury's Veldt for a sec / Lauding Ben for winning a RANDOM DRAWING

3. Thirteenth Year
Rating: 2.5/5
Best performance: Brent Briscoe as Big John
Biggest surprise: How handsy the swim coach is
Most dated aspect: Topical joke about Regis Philbin
Wildest moment: Everything about the anti-vax mom

4. Johnny Tsunami
Rating: 2.5/5
Best performance: Lee Thompson Young (RIP) as Sam
Biggest surprise: How quickly Johnny was like, "Fuck these rich kids"
Most dated aspect: The dad's job as a... traveling intranet developer?
Wildest moment: They hopped a MILITARY PLANE to Hawaii

5. Halloweentown
Rating: 3/5
Best performance: Debbie Reynolds as Agatha (duh)
Most baffling aspect: The little brother with ZERO redeeming qualities
Most delightful moment: Getting the hair from the gay werewolf
Most anticipated for the sequel: Goblin boy not being such a weiner

6. Phantom of the Megaplex
3/5
Best performance: Jacob Smith as Bryan

Takes way too long to get where it’s going, but is ultimately pretty exciting if you’re into customer service.

Also, try to convince me that Mickey Rooney didn’t improvise all of his dialogue. You can’t!

7. Luck of the Irish
0/5

I hated this. Don’t talk to me about this movie.

8. Now You See It...
5/5

Ahead of its time in its totally-separated-from-reality portrayal of reality television production. Aly Michalka's deranged performance is beautifully balanced by Johnny Pacar's barely-there acting. A near-masterpiece of the form.

9. Cadet Kelly
4/5

Who says movie heroines can't be totally insufferable? Not Hillary Duff, whose titular Kelly is obnoxious in every way but somehow deftly avoids making this the military propaganda it easily could have been.

10. Cheetah Girls
5/5

Every line out of Raven’s mouth is poetry. And the music? I’m gonna get canceled for this, but... Destiny’s Child wishes.

11. Cheetah Girls 2
4/5

Pivoting to full musical-movie was a confusing choice, but it gave us some moments. Where's Belinda's Emmy for her work as Marisol?

12. The Even Stevens Movie
3.5/5

A little broad for my taste, and with one of the most odious main characters I've ever seen, but wow, what a premise.

13. Get a Clue
5/5

Lindsay Lohan is an all-timer, and this movie doesn't get talked about enough as top-tier Lohan.

14. Pixel Perfect
4.5/5

Suffers from some faulty internal logic BUT is way more existential than whatever sad-ass movies you’re into, Craig. Also, great performances across the board.

15. Teen Beach Movie
6/5

Operating on an entirely different level from any DCOM I’ve seen so far: it’s twice as funny and six times as horny. With slightly different packaging, it could easily pass as a comedy for adults.

16. Cow Belles
2/5

I forgot to tweet about this one when I watched it weeks ago, but I recall manic performances and a hint of anti-union sentiment.

17. High School Musical
5/5

Very obvious why this was such a game changer. Charming from top to bottom. It’s a travesty that Ashley Tisdale didn’t have more career longevity.