Read on Twitter
Well, friends, tonight has been a weird one. As an exercise in processing my thoughts, I’m going to break it apart and analyze. Feel free to scroll on by- just talking/venting over here. cw// mental health, suicide mention
I don’t have a lot of bad depression days anymore. I haven’t actively wanted to die in almost two months. I have been taking my meds and using healthy coping mechanisms. The last time I had a downswing, it lasted less than 24 hours. For the most part, I’m well.
Tonight I wasn’t actively depressed. I didn’t lie in my bed and eat junk all day (or forget to eat at all.) In fact, I helped my friend’s kid set up a slip & slide and played on it with her for hours. I ate two meals and a slice of pie. I painted, I watched a documentary.
I picked up a friend from work tonight and took her home, then got very sad for no apparent reason. Not depressed per se. Just sad. I started driving, my only destination being “not home.” I drove for four hours.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about where I want to be, who I want to be, what I want to be doing, who I want to foster relationships with, who it’s time to let drift away... I played loud music in my car. I sang along at the top of my lungs for the first time in a long time.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m honestly just trying to make sense of where the sad is coming from, and where it will go from here. I’ve finally found where happy is inside of me, but I don’t think I’ve found it outside of me yet- geographically or otherwise.
I have a two year goal. But I don’t have anything planned for the meantime. I don’t know how to meet that goal or any others. My goal two months ago was to rediscover myself and find what made me happy. I’ve done that, so now what? The answer wasn’t on my steering wheel.
It wasn’t in my dashboard or in the park I stopped at three hours into my drive. But I’ll keep searching. I know it’s out there and I know I’ll find it. There isn’t a point to this thread other than to say that I don’t know how to navigate sadness when it isn’t accompanied-
by an all-consuming depression that takes every ounce of me away when it comes. No, I’m still here. And I want to be here so terribly much that I couldn’t have imagined this feeling two months ago.
My cat is sitting on my chest while I’m lying in my bed now. And for some reason that I can’t pin down, that reminds me that I’m going to be okay no matter where I land. Maybe it’s that for so long, this cat was my reason for staying alive.
Where I go, she will be, and we will conquer the sadness in stride while I conquer life on my own. This vicious little ball of fur has my back, and as lame as that is, I think that’s pretty damned wonderful.
@andreagibson said it best- the most important thing I have ever built in my whole life is the trust of this crochety old cat, and I’m so grateful for the confidence she gives me every day with her little not-quite-purr-not-quite-snore. I’ll figure life out. Thanks for reading.
