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a thread: my mental health
/just let me rant, u can just scroll past this. thanks/
//but if u wanna read for some reason, disclaimer: im not an expert, nor was i tested or diagnosed//
/just let me rant, u can just scroll past this. thanks/
//but if u wanna read for some reason, disclaimer: im not an expert, nor was i tested or diagnosed//
today i woke up with a bad nausea. my head was heavy and i wanted to throw up. but i didnt. im actually still in bed as i write this. still trying to figure out how i feel today. for the past 4 months, this has been my normal: wake up, feel bad, find a reason why.
i was never mentally healthy. i was hella unstable in college and this lead me to a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms. i picked up smoking. i fucked around. it was all self-destructive activities masked by the idea that i was "young and free".
you know how when you& #39;re young, you can just use that as an excuse for everything. why did u try smoking? im young. why r u fucking strangers? im young. why r u not prioritizing the more important things in life? IM YOUNG
thats true for a lot of people. but it wasnt for me. i did all that in hopes to forget things (things i cant name now cuz clearly the tactic worked lmao). it was all vicious. cuz when u finally find something that keeps u distracted, u& #39;d never want to let go of that anymore.
i& #39;m a chronic smoker now, btw. not as bad as others but i finish a pack every day.
so anyway, that was me in college. when i got out of there, things changed. i had to force myself into adulthood even tho i was 100% sure i wasn& #39;t ready. but do i have a choice? no. but adulthood was kinda the distraction. and i hated it. as much as i hated fucking strangers.
((dont get me wrong. i LOVE sex. and i& #39;ve been with very wonderful guys who took care of me and got to know me. its just that...i knew hooking up wasnt healthy for me personally))
i hated adulthood. i hated myself. i hated my job. i hated everything. but thats okay, i have to keep going, right? i need a job to finance my needs and my wants. plus being busy with work is a good thing to distract me from the terrible things in my life.
but nah, im stubborn. i quit my job. feb 2020. to be fair, i was in the middle of another application. lol. then the lockdown happened. and man, i never thought there would be anything even lower than rock bottom.
it started after a few weeks of lockdown. i felt the things i felt when i was in college. that feeling of helplessness and vulnerability. like you don& #39;t know what to do. you don& #39;t have any plan. you don& #39;t have any energy. and it just went on and on. and it got worse and worse.
i wasnt always sad. tho its still difficult for me to describe how i feel specifically. there are days when i cant even bring myself to get out of bed or take a shower. some days i eat so much or none at all. it was weird and i know something& #39;s wrong.
i have 2 main moods tho. anxious and horny. lol. and i guess both of these emotions need to have an outlet but since im locked at home, i cant do anything about it so i just always end up hating myself even more.
at this point of writing this, idk what to say anymore. 
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😝" title="Squinting face with tongue" aria-label="Emoji: Squinting face with tongue"> i just wanted to get this out of my chest. i cant tell my friends cuz im embarrassed altho i know i shouldnt be. but i guess thats it. just tryna verbalize the struggle ive been having for the past months.
take care of yourselves, people. all love.
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