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tw //
ahhhh loneliness is the worst if you ask me
if you& #39;re sad, angry, frustrated,,finding someone who can stand by your side and help you through it can make the issue seem more solvable
but sometimes, feeling like that& #39;s not an occurring option for you is just exhausting
ahhhh loneliness is the worst if you ask me
if you& #39;re sad, angry, frustrated,,finding someone who can stand by your side and help you through it can make the issue seem more solvable
but sometimes, feeling like that& #39;s not an occurring option for you is just exhausting
that you have to be yourself while playing the role of a supportive parent, a protective sibling, a caring friend all at once like some one man play. it just feels heavy. it doesn& #39;t mean one is alone,,, I& #39;ve people around me, mostly online but, it doesn& #39;t help, not always
it seems wrong to me to even think like this- ignorant sounding but it just won& #39;t go and I& #39;m tired of keeping everything in.
my irl always told me it makes her worry for me,, and saying this yet Idk how to tell people sht, how to say hey this happened it fcked me up
my irl always told me it makes her worry for me,, and saying this yet Idk how to tell people sht, how to say hey this happened it fcked me up
there& #39;s an entire year long secret I& #39;ve kept from every single person ever, no one knows and while it helps me act like it never happened because everything seems so fuzzy looking back, like a dream, it& #39;s just tough to explain myself or feel like I actually connect with people
like some sorta liar, fake. but I just can& #39;t. disappointing myself, feeling disgusted and revolted by my own self is enough, I can& #39;t imagine others joining in. because I have so much,, doubt and disgust in myself, because I feel so fake by acting all happy, I feel like a burden
there& #39;s no way someone dealing, with me, /that/ me won& #39;t feel that way. I& #39;m sure so many people do now despite not knowing the worst of it. it causes me to doubt the way people feel about me, that without constant daily reassurance, my brain says see? they hate you, all of you
that I should stop talking to them or do smth to make them so annoyed at me that they can do the distancing themselves, and then it would feel like I& #39;ve proven what my brain suspected and I feel satisfied in some way and even more hurt because now I can say I was right
it& #39;s a never ending cycle and fighting it back is just exhausting. other times, I& #39;m so traumatised by everything, that at this point even I don& #39;t know all my triggers, the simplest thing can set me off into a mess of memories and flashbacks and I just relive that /then/
it feels like I escaped nothing and I know I haven& #39;t, I& #39;ll be tied to it as long as I& #39;m alive. because it has such a big effect on me, on my actions and words and train of thoughts, I& #39;ve unconsciously made it a part of me, it makes me hate myself more
I& #39;ve given someone else the power of my entire being by doing so, and funnily enough they don& #39;t realise the extent of it because they never gave a shit. I digress but basically it& #39;s so easy for me to feel like I& #39;m there again
if I hurt others while I& #39;m there, i can& #39;t even fucking explain myself. what am I gonna say? sorry, I thought it was 2017? sorry I thought you were someone else?
sorry I forgot for a while there who and where we are, lost touch with reality that I couldn& #39;t catch cues or process info because I was too overwhelmed with the anxiety and the feeling of someone stepping on my chest to notice I& #39;m not acting like the me you know?
oh I& #39;m so tired
tw //
I think,,, mum voiced my thoughts best when she said no one will give a sht if you d*e. that they& #39;ll shed a few tears and move on with their lives. what she meant was no one will care for you like you will for yourself but I think, it can also mean-
tw //
I think,,, mum voiced my thoughts best when she said no one will give a sht if you d*e. that they& #39;ll shed a few tears and move on with their lives. what she meant was no one will care for you like you will for yourself but I think, it can also mean-
that I really have so small of an impact here, maybe all of us do, to some it doesn& #39;t matters and to others, so heavily reliant on just,,, some simple reassurance because they& #39;re that pathetic, it& #39;s destabilising
it just says hey no one cares. and if no one cares and I go to them, im a burden then
the only person ever who has made me feel so, so incredibly needed was amal, idk how she did it but I always felt needed and loved and like I could do more than I think, that I mattered
the only person ever who has made me feel so, so incredibly needed was amal, idk how she did it but I always felt needed and loved and like I could do more than I think, that I mattered
even when I intentionally annoyed her for fun, I still never felt like a burden to her. she doesn& #39;t realise this either but at the time the whole,, thing happened she was my pillar through it. she didn& #39;t know her talking to me was soothing me like a little baby I wish I told her
I know she would never judge me, I think she& #39;s the only person I would feel comfortable enough to speak about that to, maybe I should& #39;ve when I had the chance
it really doesn& #39;t help the way my dad makes me repeat after him how I& #39;m nothing and will never matter every other week
the way he repeats it and then asks me to say it, goes batsht if I don& #39;t, the way he doesn& #39;t leave until he& #39;s made sure he& #39;s driven the point home
the way he repeats it and then asks me to say it, goes batsht if I don& #39;t, the way he doesn& #39;t leave until he& #39;s made sure he& #39;s driven the point home
this is gonna sound like the most pathetic thing you& #39;ve ever heard, as if this thread wasn& #39;t enough,that& #39;s if anyone is reading it, but I feel so frustrated keeping my thoughts in, thoughts like these,,
that I say and describe them to myself out loud, alone in my room as if it were another person listening. they& #39;re not thoughts I make on the spot, not a train of thoughts but more like, a memorized explanation, because I repeat it so much in my head in hopes of feeling better-
that at some point it feels like it& #39;s not enough. at times I like to think I& #39;m just rehearsing to talk to someone, to feel less pathetic, but that& #39;s a lie really. I wont be doing that majority of the time I feel this way, because again, that would be bothering people
I don& #39;t know what to do or where to start anymore I feel like I& #39;m drowning in people and thoughts and nothing and I don& #39;t feel like I can openly talk to anyone and I& #39;m just so tired of crying, my tears are never ending how tf have I not ran out
it& #39;s so easy to wish to have never existed, but it& #39;s more confusing to want people to ignore and hate me because I think that& #39;s exactly what I deserve, but also getting hurt as fck secretly when they don& #39;t reassure me they still care today and will tomorrow and cared yesterday-
when I annoyed the sht out of them and that that didn& #39;t matter and
idk I really donttt I& #39;m confusing myself and yet complain about being lonely as if I deserve the opposite, despite realising I can& #39;t handle my own mixed signals, how can I expect others? yet a part of me does
idk I really donttt I& #39;m confusing myself and yet complain about being lonely as if I deserve the opposite, despite realising I can& #39;t handle my own mixed signals, how can I expect others? yet a part of me does
I think I expect too much but then remember that really, a hug, an ily, them remembering something so mundane about me, them TALKING to me acts as a form of reassurance but others don& #39;t know that and idk how to ask w/o annoying them, like some hw, reassuring me
like if they magically don& #39;t hate me already, they will now, realising how annoying and bothersome I am
