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I was talking to a friend the other week & they mentioned how when having issues with a friend in another friend group, it hurt them the most to watch other close friends never call that person in when they were being harmed.
& I was so taken aback, in the best way possible.
& I was so taken aback, in the best way possible.
I have gotten so used to friends & family members watching me be harmed, and “let” me “handle it” because I was “strong enough” to do so, that I needed to be reminded that their close friends not holding other friends accountable was a unbalanced & unsafe predicament.
I think I didn’t first recognize it as further harm because I am so used to being in that space. It’s normal to me now.
I no longer get stuck hurt by others not wanting to deal with “my conflicts,” or rather I compartmentalize that hurt, because I expect it. (which is a problem)
I no longer get stuck hurt by others not wanting to deal with “my conflicts,” or rather I compartmentalize that hurt, because I expect it. (which is a problem)
I have been in numerous conflicts where bystanders (read: close friends) have said “I didn’t want to deal with it,” or said nothing, as a response to watching me be harmed.
& I get it. I understand anxiety too.
But also, think, did they/I want to go through that conflict alone?
& I get it. I understand anxiety too.
But also, think, did they/I want to go through that conflict alone?
I want to name that, I know everyone has their own comfortability in conversing around conflict & addressing harm.
& I recognize that I am a very direct communicator when in/around conflict, & I am very protective over my community of defined close friends & loved ones.
& I recognize that I am a very direct communicator when in/around conflict, & I am very protective over my community of defined close friends & loved ones.
I am usually the friend, or family member, who pushes for conversation when harm has happened & who pushes for accountability.
Often times I get labeled as a “bitch” or “difficult,” because my whole life I have spoken against systemic & interpersonal harm. Which I’m used to.
Often times I get labeled as a “bitch” or “difficult,” because my whole life I have spoken against systemic & interpersonal harm. Which I’m used to.
With that being said, I can’t stop thinking:
How could my friend trust the other friends in that group if they were willing to watch them be harmed & say nothing? How could those other friends value my friend’s needs if they weren’t willing to negotiate their comfortability?
How could my friend trust the other friends in that group if they were willing to watch them be harmed & say nothing? How could those other friends value my friend’s needs if they weren’t willing to negotiate their comfortability?
I think people see women & femmes advocating for a lot of things/people & assume that we also don’t need/want other people advocating for us to be treated better.
Especially when we’re black.
Especially when we’re queer.
Especially when we’re trans.
Especially when we’re black.
Especially when we’re queer.
Especially when we’re trans.
Which to me is like “
?!?!?”
Even the idea, the concept, the reality, that people think this way makes me feel subhuman.
Makes me think that women & femmes, black trans women & femmes in particular, will have to consistently battle to be treated tenderly & with care.
?!?!?” Even the idea, the concept, the reality, that people think this way makes me feel subhuman.
Makes me think that women & femmes, black trans women & femmes in particular, will have to consistently battle to be treated tenderly & with care.
People carry this myth that black women & femmes are constantly suppose to endure.
& Furthermore, I think people carry this myth that by being a black trans woman or femme you have “chosen” a life of (dehumanizing) “strength,” “endurance,” & needing to be “brave.”
& Furthermore, I think people carry this myth that by being a black trans woman or femme you have “chosen” a life of (dehumanizing) “strength,” “endurance,” & needing to be “brave.”
Though these are myths, I think we are all socialized with these frameworks that lead people, like me, to believe we are meant to assume these roles.
I have to remind myself constantly that I am not meant to simply endure. That I am not “difficult” for speaking up when harmed.
I have to remind myself constantly that I am not meant to simply endure. That I am not “difficult” for speaking up when harmed.
Maybe my silence around this hurting is because I’m tired of being disappointed in the people I love?
Maybe I don’t ask for better or more from some of my close friends because I only trust myself & few chosen family to fully consider how I internalize harm?
Maybe I don’t ask for better or more from some of my close friends because I only trust myself & few chosen family to fully consider how I internalize harm?
My friend knows that they would never have to worry about this with me. In my opinion, they should’ve never been made to feel like their needs should not be prioritized. Especially when dealing with continuous harm.
I love my friend & they deserved better. We deserve better.
I love my friend & they deserved better. We deserve better.
