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im about to wade into the ace disk horse for a Brief Minute please look away
i just saw some posts. and i also went on the slovak lgbt social network where i saw a convo between like 5 people completely misunderstanding what asexuality is and i have been Thinkin
i feel like. idk i feel like a lot of the refusal to acknowledge asexuality as a thing even when it's not in response to the push to be included in the lgbt community comes from like. not understanding what it is
fairly self-explanatory that everyone has a different sex drive etc and there can definitely be a degree of ~acting superior~ from ace people that makes it seem as if the only two modes of being are Sex Obsessed and Celibate
so i understand that part of ppl going on the defensive because there's a subsection of Ace Culture that's like weirdly sex-shamey and definitely not just toward hetero people and obviously you're not about to be condescended to just bc you have a sex drive that's nonsense
but then i think that's where the biggest misunderstanding occurs bc it's like. that........is libido. asexuality isn't about how high or low your sex drive is it's not "i'm not interested in sex for x reason" (altho asexuality and low sex drive often correlate)
but it's the absence of sexual attraction. that's what it is and it's entirely possible im being too specific about words which as we all know shows up often in the Discourse but like. it Irks me bc i think the actual experience of asexuality as the lack of sexual attraction
is the foundation on which a lot of the culture of condescension is built. growing up it's not so much that there are All These Dirty People Having Sex And Clearly We’re Better
and more that Sexual Attraction Somehow Sneaks Its Way Into Absolutely Every Avenue Of Life And I Don’t Know What The Fuck It Is so i have trouble relating to and interacting with my friends my peers pop culture and other stuff that’s made for people Not Like Me
a lot of it can just be pedestrian stuff like ppl calling a body part attractive and you’re like……. ? but then you’re friends start talking about things and you’re like why don’t i feel this. why can’t i conceive of this the way they do
u know? like what’s literally wrong with me. and i feel like that can turn outwards and turn into “why is everyone so into this thing i Do Not Get when there are better/more interesting things” or whatever i cant phrase this but u know.
and i do think that's an experience that's Fundamentally ostracising. but if it's as impossible for people who experience SA to understand the way i view other people as it is for me to understand the way they view other people then i can kind of Get why
there seems to be such an aggressive divide. i think for us it’s just a continuation of nobody comprehending wtf we are and that doesn’t lend itself to being constructive obviously
there’s also common ground in like. people assuming you have some deep-seated past trauma to make you the way you are and assuming you can be fixed. ppl assuming this or that thing will somehow fix you bc you can’t possibly just b like this.
and obviously everyone belonging under the lgbt acronym has experienced and experiences discrimination on a systemic and often society-wide level and those are largely absent for ace ppl in the west at least
but i kind of question the argument that's like..admitting ace ppl under the umbrella or whatever then dilutes the message/makes it more difficult to fight for the groups that are already there and struggling to be heard? just because ace people are like.......very fringe
there was a media boom a few years back when a bunch of articles were written but certainly asexuality is not on the genpub's radar in any way. and obviously i'm happy to admit my limited perspective but the ONLY place i ever see this discourse is tumblr. that's it
and like i already said growing up asexual in society the way it's set rn is understanding without a doubt that something in you is Broken and that you can't relate to anyone near you and that definitely seems like an lgbt-adjacent experience
so i think even cishet ace ppl are maybe just....searching for a community that can understand the experience of being an Other sexuality-wise and then finding themselves the Other of that other
and like i get that a lot of Ace Culture is yikes. everything related to dan savage is yikes. a lot of what happens on aven and ace tumblr is yikes.
ppl who want to be like im asexual and that makes me actively oppressed on a daily basis the same way you are is...kind of yikes. ppl actively acting superior is yikes
(fully admit to having done this and sometimes im still like.....hm it seems like life with sexual attraction is so much simpler which means i somehow have to work harder at that aspect of life which makes me Better THAT'S A VERY NOT GOOD WAY TO THINK RIP)
but it's also...........really not like aces are trying to Drive The Community Apart as tumblr would have it seem. every letter has a complicated history with sex in terms of how the general public views it
and there’s a real need for spaces where sexuality and sex can be discussed in the context of its communities and not the cishet majority and nobody should get to come in and demand that it change
and i’ve seen conversations like that which is. no. but at the same time the lgbt community - while it’s important that it genuinely stick together in fighting for the rights of everyone at once - has subsections
and i do think lgbt spaces can help ace ppl find other ace ppl who can then form a subsection? but then is that Enough? but then does there need to be an Enough? bro i don’t know
there’s….so much of the systemic and institutional that’s not necessarily been aimed at asexual people and obviously i dont think aces should try to somehow co-opt centuries of specifically anti-lgbt discrimination
and one of the arguments is that there isn’t a shared history of that and so asexual people don’t belong in the lgbt community but i just find myself just Chewing on that sometimes and Not Knowing
there’s also an assumption of straightness in everyone who wants to be part of the community as ace and doesn’t define themselves by any other word but that’s just straight up assuming everyone’s hetero until proven otherwise
i also......like dont stone me but i think part of why the multi-attraction model exists and is getting more aggressively fragmented is 1) aro/ace people want to respond to gatekeeping with gatekeeping and 2) it's a way to potentially be admitted into the fold
without having to compromise what you feel is still an integral part of your identity. i fully just went to saying im gay because at first it was complicated and uncomfortable to explain to regular people and then i actively became ashamed of the label bc of discourse reasons lol
and i guess here you run into the argument that there's no point in using ace as a label because what difference does it make in the end - if you want relationships the way you want them is hetero or gay or bi and that's how everyone around you is going to understand it
and i GET THAT but it's also........Not the point......idk. like im not trying to equate these but if all that matters is the end impression then that reminds me of how bisexual people are perceived as having "chosen a side" whenever they get into a relationship
or having been either gay or hetero all along which obviously. is not the case. and they're not the same thing in that one stems from centuries of bi- and homophobia. but don't........bi people identify as bi because of their lived experience? like they're the only ones
who can actually know who they're attracted to and even if they get into a relationship that'll be perceived as hetero they're not taking off the bi backpack and ceasing to be bi bc that's just. not how they experience the world.
like why doesn’t a woman who marries a man and has a bunch of kids and a picket fence life just stop identifying as bi u know. it’s bc she knows who she is and she doesn’t stop being attracted to other genders just bc she married a man.
so we…..dont stop being asexual just bc we’re in relationships that suggest such and such other sexuality. and if we cede that and just call ourselves straight or gay or bi or whatever
(which im doing yes im Part Of The ProblemTM) wouldn’t we just…be contributing to it always being a struggle
i understand this is a different situation with cishet aces obviously. but like Now at present there….is discrimination against ace ppl. not as deep-seated and historically loaded. not legislative and rarely lethal and i wouldn’t ever try to argue w that
we benefit hugely from the religious glorification of celibacy. but rmr that uk govt poll that literally showed that asexuals are the group of cis ppl least comfortable with coming out to their loved ones. i literally just
don’t ever want to talk about it unless approached first especially within the lgbt community bc i’ve seen what it’s like. it’s just Sad lmao bc i remember being so happy that i found the word and so comfortable with it
it’s funny bc (this is another breakdown i have coming sometime in the future stay tuned) for as much as i call myself gay gender doesn’t…….matter all that much to me i call myself that because my lack of sexual attraction to anyone leads me to pick ppl
based on other things (obviously they might be pretty but how much weight does that have. not Much) like being able to imagine a life w them and a life w a man, for Societal Reasons, just seems so much more complicated that im , not interested
im aware that it’s about the finding the right person to fit w u but there’s so many assumptions it’s difficult to weed out right off the bat bc starting a conversation w someone with “im looking for a long-term relationship and i am absolutely not giving birth ever”
is. Intense fdshkj women are just. more of a clean slate. you meet on more equal predetermined standing and things like kids are conversations you actively need to have as opposed to just kind of an expectation that one party might bring
fdshkj all this to say idek what’s ever going on romantic feelings-wise and my asexuality is the only thing im actually certain of and that’s annoying when the label itself makes u kind of Shrink bc you never know who’s going to have a problem with it
will this thread ever end? idk bro. idk if obvious from the waffling but i dont feel qualified to pass definitive judgments bc i think both sides have points and i realized i was ace and a wlw right around the same time
so i always felt entitled to be a part of the community based on my, u know, liking women. but i also Dont…think excluding asexuality for what it is always in every circumstance is the Move. u know.
idk no real point to this probably just Thoughts. i hate tumblr very much
