Seeing as @QMagazine is ceasing publication, let's demonstrate why I'm not a music critic by having a listen to what they called "the best new music of 1997".

We'll be the judge of that, eh?

First, here's the edition it came off, starring Paul Heaton of the Beautiful South as the love child of Ken Dodd and Hayley Cropper off Coronation Street.

I'm also slightly alarmed by the description of Reef as "New Sex Gods!"

They weren't all that much even then...

...and they don't look much better now, having apparently spent the last twenty years drinking Special Brew down your local bus stop.

Right, having been unnecessarily rude, let's move on to Hello! I have dim memories of playing this quite a bit as a kid.

Hang on, phone call coming...

I'll switch to tweeting live as we go through this.

First up, Mansun...

Okay, so that's pretty much as I remembered it. Lush strings, doesn't really go anywhere, not as good as Wide Open Space.

Their debut album also had lost George Formby track "Stripper Vicar", which has now dated awkwardly. Kind of glad that wasn't here.

Mansun had already hit number one in the album chart by this. It wasn't exactly an act of brilliant crystal ball gazing by Q to pick them out.

Anyway, 6/10 for this?

Next up, Sneaker Pimps.

Remember, I'm listening to this so you don't have to.

All I know about Sneaker Pimps is they came from Hartlepool, which presumably explains the weird sonar noise as they try to locate civilisation.

Cripes, it's another one that doesn't go anywhere. I probably thought I was really cool listening to this, because I was an idiot.

Feel free to stick this thread on mute.

Wish I could.

Okay, so another slightly 'meh' track.

Another 6 'cause it's not worse than Mansun, and that's all the praise it's getting.

Eels!

Now look, I love Eels and I listened to the Beautiful Freak album obsessively for about a year. I'd forgotten Guest List had a harmonica solo though.

No wonder E was always so sad.

This is one of the weakest songs on their debut album, unfortunately, and being third on this compilation does it no favours.

Still, it's one of my favourite bands and I'm scared the girl on the album cover will hunt me down if I don't give a decent score, so 8?

Right, what's next?

Oh FFS.

Christ almighty but this is shit.

Crap pun, crap sound, crap band name.

Naturally I've seen them live twice.

First time they were better than Cast, who they were supporting. This was not a high bar.

Second time was at the Phoenix Festival where they threw a strop because only about a dozen people turned up to see them and then quit music.