identifying compulsory heterosexuality (comp-het) for lesbians and those questioning their sexuality

DISCLAIMER: comphet is NOT a universal experience. every lesbian will experience it in a different way depending on external factors- some lesbians don’t experience comphet and it doesn’t make their experience less real.

if you relate to any of the things in this thread, it does not automatically mean you might be a lesbian, we just get a lot of ccs about identifying comphet and i thought listening some common signs might help some people.

this thread was run by other lesbians and bi people to make sure it wasn't invalidating anyones experience. if you have a problem w the thread please just let me know.

lgbt people, specifically women, who like men are NOT less valid. additionally, i ask that no one quotes this thread trying to tell bi or pan people that they’re lesbians. i’ve seen it before and i don’t condone that at all.

here is an easy to understand definition on comp-het from this wonderful google doc that has helped many lesbians https://docs.google.com/document/d/14MiPVvdXl2ICg41aFHcfUktxX4DO-058ZXg6v6W_Jg0/edit?usp=sharing

alright, pre-info out of the way, heres some common ways comp-het presents itself in lesbians.

only liking men who don’t know you exist or you have no chance with.

- only “liking” fictional men
- only “liking” famous men (actors, artists, kpop idols)
- only “liking” gay men or men who aren’t interested in your gender
- only “liking” older guys or “popular” guys

only being attracted to men who have feminine traits or express themselves more femininely, some examples of this:
- men with long hair
- men who wear makeup or paint their nails
- men who wear typically “feminine” clothes

choosing who you like
- if you look at a man and go “i think i should have a crush on him”
- in elementary/middle/high school- picking the guy everyone else had a crush on and liking him too

seeing someone as attractive without being actually attracted to them. just because you think a man is attractive doesn’t mean you have to want to actually be with him emotionally or sexually.

“but i feel really strong feelings for my best friend/a man”
- society engrains in us that women’s feelings towards men must be romantic or sexual- since that is the way we can “serve them”.
- if you have really strong platonic feelings for someone, you might mix these emotions u

liking the idea of being with men, but not actually men
- you might feel desire towards having a husband because it would make you feel like you’re living up to society's standards.

acting differently around men
- acting differently doesn’t mean you have a schoolgirl crush. you might just want male validation- especially if you have issues w men in your past/family

once again, COMP HET EXPERIENCES ARE NOT UNIVERSAL! you might experience some of these and genuinely like men- you might not experience comp-het and be a lesbian. you might experience comp-het differently and still be a lesbian.