Zaddies of Musical Theatre Ranked: A Thread

You can hardly throw a stone on the subway platform without hitting a Zaddy right before someone yells at you, “Hey, why are you throwing stones at that Zaddy?”

It is truly the Zaddy Renaissance. A New Zawn, if you will.

Theatre People have always venerated Zaddies (sexy men of a certain age who look like they have a cedar chest devoted to shawl collar sweaters & also probably wouldn’t shy away from throwing you around a bit)

We just call them Baritones. Or Anti-heroes. Or Brian Stokes Mitchell

10: The Phantom of the Opera
Is he a stalker? Yes. Does he gaslight the ingenue into thinking he controls her voice before dragging her down to his basement apartment where he forces her to scream high e’s? Also yes. But that cape! That hat! That pipe organ. Plus he owns a boat!

9: Daddy Warbucks
I know what you’re thinking: war profiteering is so unsexy. But somewhere within Daddy Warbucks beats a heart as shiny as his head. Not to mention he altruistically employed dozens of dancing maids and butlers during the Depression!

8: Javert
Everyone deserves someone who loves them as much as Javert loves The Law. While he might seem high falutin' what with his fancy coats & bad poetry about stars, he is down to earth, having devoted his life to Justice for Bread, which I find to be very relatable, tbh

7: Persephone
That’s right, anyone can be a Zaddy. It’s called Femism... ever heard of it?? Anyone who can believably deliver a number in which they repeatedly ask “what’s my name?” deserves the title of Zaddy. And that voicceeee bb.

6: Sweeney Todd
Listen, there is no rule that says you need to be a good Daddy to be a good Zaddy. Just because one murders people and bakes them into pies and then almost kills their own daughter because she’s wearing a hat or whatever doesn’t mean they don’t fuck.

5: Jefferson
Hamilton is a veritable Feast of Zaddies. But only one guy elicited an “It’s happening!” from me when he entered at the top of Act 2, & that was Jefferson. What was happening, exactly? Why did I punch my friend in the arm? I couldn’t tell you, but @DaveedDiggs did it

4: @RaulEEsparza in anything he’s in rly
Like many other Theater People, the first time I heard Raúl Esparza sing “I’m your new commander” on the Rocky Horror OBC recording, I instantly became a woman.

Actually, sidebar.

When Raúl took over as the Emcee in Cabaret, my Dad went to the box office to get tickets and he was all, “Listen, is Raúl Esparza going to be in this tonight because I have a 14 year old who’s pretty much a ball of puberty and it frightens me.”

Well, guess what fam?

Raúl called out and I sat in the middle of Studio 54 weeping, blue Claire’s mascara running down my face. Now, I watch old episodes of SVU on Hulu, tweet some fanfic about Barba singing “Trouble” to the jury and wistfully whisper, “Oh Zaddy, what might have been.”

Anyhoozle...

3: Coalhouse Walker
“What does a Zaddy sound like?” I hold up my phone & play Ragtime in its entirety. “Why don’t you spring for Spotify Premium?!” You cry. “The songs aren’t even in the right order!” Again I’d press my finger to your lips “Shhh.” I whisper. “Zaddy is singing.”

2: Emile de Beque
Waves crash onto a moonlight beach. “War is bad,” you whisper to Emile de Becque. “Oui. War, eet eez pas bien.” He replies, tightening his embrace. “Zaddy, eet sounds like a French word, non?” he asks you. “Oui.” You answer. “Oui” he says. Then you make out.

And finally...
1: CvT, bb!
Listen, I’m no sociologist, but I have a theory: Captain von Trapp is the original Zaddy. He sits at the top of the Zaddy tree: the source from which all other Zaddies spring eternal. Captain von Trapp is Zaddy Pangea.

In Pre-K, I didn’t know what Nazis were, but the lizard part of my Jewish baby brain saw Christopher Plummer ripping that swastika flag in half and went, “Yes. That.”

“You may call me… Captain.” Um, okay. That smolder. That uniform. That whistle.

This strict military man hires a musical virgin and, after a couple of months, he’s transformed into a goofball that likes puppet shows.

BTW. The puppets in The Lonely Goatherd are actual goats. What are the implications there?)

There are 2 types of Theatre People: the type that fall in love w/Captain von Trapp when they are young & impressionable, & goddamn liars.

All hail Captain von Trapp. Our One True Zivine Zaddy.

Anyway, my quarantine is going just swimmingly, thank you for asking.