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For anyone who’s not able to read that "Where have our great female novelists gone?" article in The Times due to it being behind a paywall, here’s a summary of the main points. Thread.
The article itself is a shocking exposé of the current practice in Scotland to sacrifice young female writers to the old and obscure Celtic god, Boireannach a Agrìobhas Gu Math, with the piece featuring interviews from individuals responsible for these rituals.
It seems these interviews took place at Arthur’s Seat during the waning October moon, when the veil between worlds is thin enough to let through dreadful spectres; faeries, demons, njuggles, communism, the bone-chilling wails of the Fringe Festival’s silent disco troupes…
It should come as no surprise that the origins of this practice are founded on an ancient prophecy, dubbed the ‘Caledonian Anti-Syzygy’. The lore around this is fairly complex, but here’s the gist of it:
Where most prophecies call for human sacrifice to occur during the alignment of celestial bodies, in Scotland such rituals can only occur when there is NO such heavenly configuration taking place. As such, blood sacrifices in Scotland are carried out on a near-nightly basis.
The ultimate aim here is to bring about the return of Boireannach a Agrìobhas Gu Math. According to sacred literature, there is a pre-ordained mortal body worthy of her spirit. Once this vessel is found, it is said that Scotland’s females will find literary glory once more.
(One interviewee stated her belief that the ideal vessel would be ‘like Sally Rooney, but with a nondescript and unthreatening Central Belt accent. So you can see the challenge we’re up against.’)
This conspiracy runs deep: ‘Let’s just say, the mystery of the brochs is no mystery to us.’ It would seem the organisation’s influence also extends to modern infrastructure, with Glasgow’s subway system built to optimise the flow of sacrificial energy.
However, the power of this ideology has recently been on the wane, with many members now questioning the long-term sustainability of ritual sacrifice on such a regular basis.
Attempting to quell such concerns, the parameters around what constitutes a “young” female writer have been narrowed, though remain ill-defined. What is it, under 35? 30?? Who actually knows???
As for the profoundly barbaric nature of this organisation’s activities, the response was resolutely unapologetic:
‘Listen, it’s just another way maintaining the literary culture, isn’t it? In London they have networking events and exclusive industry dinners. In Scotland, we have ritual blood sacrifices to an ancient and fearful deity. It’s really not that different when you think about it.’
